Today I had a dinner date with my roommate. Chipotle- awesome 5 pound burritos that are so many calories I didn't even want to count. But we both had been craving it since we moved in and finally decided to go. So I had already decided what I could deal with, of course it was so many calories still, but I could deal with it. I mean its just a burrito right? There was nothing necessarily unhealthy about it- beans, rice, vegetables, tortilla wrap, and lettuce. Plus I probably could use the nutrients over the past few days of restricting-ish.
So we went, and I got what I wanted. I enjoyed myself! And I ate the entire huge burrito. I was hungry. I felt a little too full after though. I went to the bathroom after my meal and sat there staring at myself in the mirror considering doing the terrible dead- purging.
It told me I would feel better. I said only for a moment and then I would be upset if I did it. It told me it would get rid of the calories. I said that I had barely eaten all day! It was my calories- I needed them. It told me no one would notice. I said I would know and care! I decided No.
I haven't purged in almost 3 whole weeks!!! Yeah I may be full, maybe slightly uncomfortable but this is not how to feel better. I walked around with my roommate and went shopping a little. I feel fine now. See I didn't need to purge! Its gross and I hate doing it and it only leaves me in a horrible emotional scramble that I don't want to deal with. I stood up to my ED today and I am super proud :)
Alle that's such great news! I can't believe the leaps and bounds you're making! Doesn't it feel good? Empowering?
When I started getting better at resisting the purge I often found myself in the mirror situation you discussed. Sometimes for a long time, or just sitting on the bathroom floor thinking. But the greatest feat was walking out that door with my stomach still full.
My other strategy was writing out the conversation in my head, on paper. What the ED was saying and then countering it with MY thoughts. I found it easier to counter that way.
It is a fact of life that sometimes in life we may eat too much and feel uncomfortable, but that simply means we enjoyed our food and was hungry. It doesn't mean we need to get rid of it, because eventually the sick feeling goes away! It digests, and you get hungry again. You will always get hungry again.
Hold onto this great motivation! You are so strong!! I just want to give you a great big spinning hug (you know the ones where you lift the person of their feet and twirl? lol). You are an amazing inspiration for everyone here :)
allee...It's great to read your words, and to know that you are beating this ED down every single day!
Each time you choose recovery, it gets easier to continue...thinking of you...Jan ♥
that is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome! you're right. one single burrito -5 lb or not lol is not going to suddenly make you gain... it takes 3,500 calories and probably consistently.
great job today. super encouraging to hear. and you deserved it. i think life is meant to enjoy - which includes good meals.
WELL DONE ALLEE. You should be soooo soooo proud of yourself. It's so nice to read something as encouraging as that. Well done for standing up to the voice, and for not purging. Did you buy anything nice in your distraction of shopping with your friend? You sound like you have a very supportive room mate, that's good also!!
Writing is such a good release, I find it helps in many situations, and gets things out of your head so you don't need to focus on them so much. That's a good idea Paige about writing out the conversation, I may try that too.
Keep up the good work allee. Look forward to hearing more positives!!
let me just tell you first that you're a rockstar! seriously you are one very special girl and i love hearing from you always. You should be so proud of yourself. I think it's safe to say that we are all proud of you too. Keep writing. Stay strong and keep fighting. lots of love sended your way!
Thank you everyone for so much optimism and support. You have no idea how you all just make my day so much better! I honestly couldn't have made such progress with out you guys :)
I hope all of you are well :) and also that your having a good day