Annie all of us sometimes want that QUARTER BACK off that rollercoaster ride & you my friend dodged a bullet in time you'll see/feel it, remember you'd mentioned he said you gave 110% he only gave 50%, had you stayed in this one sided relationship you would of lost yourself & been very resentful towards him & that opens up a whole other can of worms later on in life. He probably would of taken you to all hes hangouts/haunts & you would of seen things that you truly did not want to know or see that would of stayed in your head for a long time.
As Maria mentioned meditation is very good even when one feels like CRAP, do it anyway. I run a small fountain that I bought at Walmart & light t-lites to watch the glowing it casts in the room & would walk my dogs if & when I could & feeling up to it, eating is difficult so I drank Slimfast & did my best to eat a little something even if it was cereal or some cheese.....its all a process & it all takes time.....keep letting your thoughts out here with us we're listening.
Big hug
April
p.s. have to add 12yrs. without marriage is way too long, my daughter in law told my son after 8yrs (which I thought was too long) if he didnt commit then she was gone...they were married that year & I have a 1yr. old grandson ;)
I agree that 12 years is way to long without marriage. I had convinced myself that I did not need it because we were happy and it wass just a peice of paper. These are his words and I took on the same attitude but that is not who I am. Thank you for the helpful words of encouragement. I can not wait for the day I can look back and laugh about what a fool I was to let myself be so depressed.God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
I understand as I too have lived w/men years ago, I looked back & figured it was not the best path to take & learned I DID dodge a bullet back then & I agree w/you that WE can only change ourselves & no one else :)
The girl that I found out my ex is seeing is now his official girlfriend. He is taking her on double dates with what used to be "our" friends. I feel like that country song, "Thats my house, thats my car, thats my dog in my front yard". She has my life. Then I think to myself he is her problem now! He was emotionally detached from me throughout the whole 12 years and he is not going to change. If I wanted to talk about my bad day he would ask me if I had a friend I could call to talk to about it. He never held my hand but instead walked 10 feet in front of me everywhere we went. He still has not found a job and is now living off his savings. These are no longer my problems but they are hers. I have to keep telling myself this until I beleive it.
Good for you Annie,
And remember that you will find yourself someone to love that will pick you up in ways you can't imagine. And it will just be true love.
Feel whatever you need to feel, be it pain anger, upset, get it all out. Take care of yourself, and we are all here for you.
Annie,
Your story and mine are so close, almost to the day of your first post. It seems like you are getting stronger, I don't feel that strong. The emptiness and loneliness of being left for another woman still consumes me. He still calls me, I believe it's just so he can ease his guilt and he even plans to spend Thanksgiving with me and not his new girlfriend because he's not ready to meet her whole family. I know I'm being stupid and should just say "NO" but I can't - 8 1/2 good years and now he's moved out and gone, I'm not coping well. It's been 2 weeks today - I'm still not eating or sleeping. The circles under my eyes are getting worse. I know what I should do but I can't get myself to do anything. I actually have my 21 year son staying with me in the evenings (babysitting me) because I can't deal with the emptiness. How sad is that? Please let me know how you are doing and what you are doing to move forward.
I am doing better as time passes. I get alot of my strength from here so keep posting here. I also surround myself with positive friends and family. I am spending today with my family then staying the night at a friend’s house to watch movies. The holidays are tough being without him but I have other people who love me more. My ex is being selfish and it sounds like yours is also. It is selfish that he expects you to spend the holidays with him so he doesn’t have to be alone and then after the holidays where will he be? It has been a month since I talked to my ex and with each day I realize this is my time. I am not looking to date I am looking for myself and friendship. There is reason for everything! I have to figure out the silver lining under this dark cloud and when we both do we will see that our misery was not worth it. It is your turn to be selfish and take care of yourself and not him!
Hey Phoenix,
I think you have to tell him that it's not ok he spends thanks giving with you. I know you may find this hard, but I have a feeling it is something you will come to regret long term. He made his decision and as hard as this may sound i don't think he's making the transition any easier on you by being there in the background. And if it for his benefit, then that's not fair and very selfish of him to think it is.
Sweetie I really do feel for you in so many ways and if there were a way I could scoop away that pain I would.
You sound like you've a wonderful caring son there, congratulations on raising such a giving person. Do you have any friends/family that you could visit? It would get you out seeing the world a little which would do wonders for you.
I know Thanksgiving is a bad idea, I know he is just hiding from his girlfriend's family because he is uncomfortable with the age difference (26 years) but nevertheless, I can't let go. He really has been a loving partner for the last 8 1/2 years - what he's doing now is so out of character for him, it's self-destructive. He has never abused me in any way, he's always been supportive, understanding, giving and very loving. I keep thinking he's gonna wake up and I'm afraid to shut the door because he won't come home. I'm so weak - I die a little bit everyday because I can't be strong - I'm doing everything wrong!
Sweetie, you are not doing anything wrong. You did nothing wrong…at all…by caring loving and being there for that man for those 8 1/2 years, you did a wonderful thing.
And now because he doesn’t want to be alone over thanksgiving he expects you to pick up the pieces for him? Believe me he sees how completely selfish that is…and never ever be afraid to say “NO THIS IS MY HOLIDAY I WANT TO ENJOY IT WITH MY FAMILY”…I don’t even know why he thinks it’s ok. And it’s perfectly fine to turn around right now and tell him you are not interested in having him over for it…so need for guilt in that either, ok:)
I can’t answer about him wanting to come home, but I can from my heart tell you this, if you leave that door open you will regret it. You are handing him over all of your power, and I do understand how lonely and confused right now, but there is a point where you have to say no…he has taken enough…did he actually expect you to sit and listen to him talking about the other woman over dinner or something???
Sweetie keep talking
You are a strong woman, believe me a lot stronger than you think
Phoenix I'm w/Moon, as you'll prolong the process necessary to eventually feel better within later on instead of going in a vicious circle of mights & maybes. I too find solace w/my older boys 18 & 26 but will be spending Thanksgiving alone (gonna be weird) as their working that day so we decided to do it on Saturday. Maybe you could just do thanksgiving w/your son & as advised tell the ex your busy that day celebrating w/your family & let the ex lay in his creation & BE UNCOMFORTABLE w/her family instead of YOU GIVING him an out & cleaning up after the mess he made, maybe he'll learn something out of it & really reflect on what HE really want in his life. Your NOT WEAK, your just emotionally drowning right now so dont drown further by torturing yourself MORE.....TELL HIM YOUR BUSY.....your gonna be ok if you start NOW, dont be an OUT for him.....
Moon,
I told him I would wait for him - stupid huh? I know his actions speak loudly, he's with her as I sit in 4000 square feet of emptiness. I even watched him Sunday pack more of his belongings and walk out of the house - how can a heart still hang on? I'm trying to remember he's not perfect, how could he be with what he has done but somehow my heart still clings on. And yes he does expect me to listen - I'm his best friend and greatest lover he respects my perspective. Funny - he doesn't listen when I say he's making a mistake... Anyways, I feel a little more strength today as I was able to walk in the house without crying - maybe I'm just getting use to not seeing him. I hope this is just the beginning and that everyday from here on out I get a little stronger. I know I have a long way to go and Thanksgiving is going to be a real test - right now I don't think I have the strength not to see him -I only hope that I don't loose any ground that I've gained today. I know I have to close the door, I have alot of healing that needs to take place but my family keeps telling me that he's going to see his mistake and come back - maybe they're just saying what they think I want to hear maybe they believe it - I know I want to...the holidays are so hard, being alone while he is with her just rips out my heart - now I'm crying...
Phoenix,
It's ok cry, cry your heart out, if you need to. And rest yourself...you need to start caring for yourself.
I know you said you'd wait for him, but sweetie I don't think you have it in you to make that kind of commitment.
You need to start caring for yourself, and telling yourself good things. You deserve someone you can trust and someone who will love you and give you stability.
Maybe your family are saying what they think you need to hear, and it's understandable you need their support. I think you should definitely spend the holidays with them, leave him to zapp up his own dinner if he must, why should enjoy the fruits of your labour, take from your joy, then head away home like it's ok to act like that...because it isn't.
And this is your life, so don't live it waiting for him, live it by taking care for yourself realising you are a whole and wonderful who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.
Please believe me when i tell you this...things will get better...just be gentle with yourself...
Moon,
I only have my youngest son (21) in town, my other two children live cross country and won't be able to make it home for Thanksgiving. Our family is still suffering the loss of my mother - everyone is a mess this Holiday. I can't believe he did this - I can't believe I'm alone. I don't think I can ever trust anyone ever again - I loved and trusted him like no other and he heartlessly ripped out my soul. My youngest tries his best to console me but it's not really fair to expect him to be my only source of support. My oldest son, said if I feel like I can't be without him for the holiday I shouldn't go out of my way and cook but go out to dinner instead...what do you think?
Being Really honest, and this may not be something you want to hear, but i think you should spend thanksgiving with your youngest son. Enjoy that day together and let that idiot stew on his own...let him reflect on what he is missing out on.
I know, and completely understand, why your soul feels ripped out. But you have offered this man enough, you need to stop and think about yourself.
What are you thankful right now? Think about it? I'm sure there are loadsa things? And his complete destroying of your heart would not be one.
Be kind to yourself hunny...and I am telling you...giving that man thanksgiving cos he is uncomfortable about spending it with whats-her-face, is not being kind to yourself...it is being extremely kind to a man who is completely undeserving.
Excellant idea Phoenix going out to dinner w/your son. Try it even if you feel like crap or rent movies to watch w/your son & get some snacks to munch on, it can be movie night.
As Moon said YOUR considering someone thats NOT considering YOU.
Ladies Thanks -I know I'm sick I want to defend him - how bad is that? I know he's being an idiot right now and I guess I should be basing what I should do next on his last cue - moving out. But I keep thinking about how good he has always treated me - maybe I just can't remember the bad times. I'm the real idiot here; I just can't get my heart and head inline. I only hear from him when its convenient for him to contact me, I wait for him to call, text or email like a puppy dog, I'm willing to take crumbs. What's wrong with me? I'm so confused I really should be angry and I'm not - I want to defend him - I thought I was feeling a little stronger now I'm not so sure. I'm listening - you are right and you both make sense - the only one that doesn't make sense is me. I'm sorry I'm such a basket case.
It’s ok to want to defend him, I think that is a natural reaction with someone who has been part of your life for so long…as time progresses you will begin to see him for who he really is. And as for him being in contact with you, I think if he wants you to move on and be fair he should stop, he’s not being much of a man, by moving out, but keeping you lingering on like that, it’s not fair and he knows it.
The anger will come hun and try not call yourself an idiot hun, cos you aren’t one, you are just really hurting right now and you have a good reason to.
And you are not a basketcase, sweetie I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Just tell yourself today I will be gentle with myself, in whatever I do, i will not rush, I will not wait, I will not tell myself bad things, cos I am a wonderful kind spirited person who deserves to feel good, and I want you to really try ok.
At least your aware of what your doing & creating for yourself so thats half the battle & progress, it'll make sense later. I protected/defended mine to, probably longer than I should of & as most of us do.......now I kick my butt for it & learned by it. I also lost weight got down to 112 & felt awful, but not anymore. You'll get there honey when your ready for it.
I'm having a really bad day. I can't get him out of my head. My chest feels like its going to explode. He called off sick again today. He never calls off sick. I found out where he is living - I want to drive by so badly. I don't know why I had to add this to my crazy emotions - I guess I just wanted to know where he's laying his head. God I'm sick! I just want to go to sleep and wake up without all this pain. I felt better yesterday...