Ladies, let me speak to this as I am in the position as your husbands may be. Married 25 years to a woman who has suffered through this depression for most of her life. The marriage has been terrible with all the anger and attacks toward me when life didn't go as she wanted (I was always the scape goat). It went downhill when she was in menopause and continues to be not good. She is on meds and takes them faithfully because she realizes she cannot function without them.
What she does not understand is how to treat another person especially her husband in a loving and caring way and it sounds like Lily has a similar issue. I tell people I'm married but do not have a wife; only someone who I have to help to keep her life on track. I suspect you have a similar outcome from your menopause and really need to discuss those emotions with both your gyn and psycologist. If you withdraw from your husband in terms of showing him you desire him and the intimacy and sex, your marriage will fall apart worse. I'm at the point where I either have my wife back which I doubt or I have an open marriage or I will be divorced. Going through the rest of my life in a dead marriage without a companion just isn't possible.
It sounds like domestic has figured this out and remains her husband's partner; Lily, if you think you want to keep your husband, then always treat him like the man you love and want to be with and I suspect he will respond in a much more loving manner. Good luck
Hi Larst,
Thank you for your post from a man’s side married about as long as I am. My story is complicated as I am sure yours is. I have done a lot of hurtful things to my husband, unintentionally, and that has brought us to this so called stand still. I was always afraid of getting hurt so I never really gave myself entirely. I wasnt even aware I did this till lately. I am a big communicator and my husband is not. I always had to read into everything as he kept his feelings and thoughts to himself. He recently started to open up to me that years ago when I did not treat him very well, he just doesnt know now if he can live it. I am a different person now, I appreciate all the things he has stood by me for. I tell him this, I treat him much different, and still he doesn’t know now what he wants. My menopause issues along with my back disability are hard enough to deal with. I never thought in a million years I would have this issue on top to deal with. Life is so short and precious and I do not want to waste another second of it being severly depressed, scared and lonely. I just do not know what to do. Everyone says give it time, give my husband some space and focus on me. I am doing that but I just see us drifting farther apart. I do not want to live seperate lives, what is the point in being married then? You sound like a great a man. Standing by your wife even after being treated unkind and unloving… I realized when I was doing that to my husband and did a complete turn around. I actually made him my whole world. And now for what? I always kept a wall up to protect myself and when I thought I was safe to take it down it backfired. I do not know what to do from here. I can only pray and hope God will bring my husband back to me better than we ever were. Please message me back if you can. I would love to hear from you and get some advice from the other side.
Thanks again for reading this.
Take care of you,
Lily
LILY, IM SO SORRY YOUR GOING THROUGH A TOUGH TIME!TRY TALKING TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL OR TALKING TO A PROFESSIONAL OR EVEN A DOCTOR! I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS!
we have been together for more than fourty years, and to be honest its just as if we had started, we matured together and learnt how to live together happily, it didnt happen over night and we had some tantrums along the way but we made it this far.
and he gave me the most precious gift our children who inturn gave us the beloved grandsons all four of them.
i can feel for u but when did the communication stop? when did u look at your wife and think this isnt for me? i cant go on any longer?
im sorry that u were a scapegoat so many times and im sure it hurt u to be pushed to one side and feel rejected again and again.
we dont have a physical side to our lives now but still share kisses and cuddles but we share a lifetime of silly things that keep the bond strong, its not hard to indulge him where the grandsons are concerned they are the be all and end all of our days, we are priviliged to have them in so many ways its the best of both worlds. parents without the hassel of doing whats best thats the kids role for their boys ours to help where we can so everyone is happy.
domestic, thanks for your commets. The communication hasn't stopped, we still talk regularly and in depth. Also it isn't that I don't want my wife, it is that she just isn't there and to live life alone just isn't working. I need and want the intimacy, love, and sex that should be part of being married but isn't.
I don't want to take Lily's posting so I will start something else eventually so we can concentrate on trying to help her find her solutions here.
larst has some positive ideas for u to follow although i think u do need to put it all in context sadly this is not a one size suits all occasion but several grey areas inbtwn,
and dont forget that your husbands prioritys might not be the same as larsts u know this man better than we do so its up to u to lead us to help u in the right way.
Domestic, thanks for pointing that out. Yes, we are all different and one size doesn’t fit all. My comments are based on my life experiences and are not the same as others might have. We need to examine and sift through what others say to figure out what applies and what doesn’t.
I feel your pain. I have been married for a little over 19 years, and my husband takes me for granted daily. He works offshore in the oil field and between his schedule and our fighting when he returns home, its hard. He doesn't step up and support me as much as I would like with our children and I am really starting to feel a lot of resentment for him as well. *Our sex life is non existent*. He claims it's his high blood pressure, but I think it is more that he is bored with his wife. He tells me he loves me everyday, but I think it is an automatic response on his behalf because he doesn't SHOW me like I feel he should.
The options you have are a very hard choice. I guess it depends on if YOU still love him. I would recommend marriage council for you both or at the very least some for you. It won't solve all your problems, but at the very least you can get some ideas about how to proceed. Just remember this, you are not alone! I came from a broken home, and never had the experience of seeing relationships work over extended periods like ours, but I am SURE others go through it as well. Marriage is never easy.. it takes work from both partners to succeed. I hope I have given you something to think about and helped in some small way. Best of luck and Blessings to you.
i spent the first twenty years of our marriage alone just me and the kids so i developed my own ideas and lifestyle to a certain extent, he was playing with his mistress the sea and i was in some base doing the shoppin in strange places,seeing to the kids and keepin the home fires burning i agree it is hard an im sure if uve read all the posts here life wasnt easy in our earlier years but we survived,
we dont even have high blood pressure as an excuse for our non sex life we just dont participate it fizzeled out somewhere along the way betwn our gettin grandchildren and old age,
what u have to say about coming from a broken home and not having watched long term relationships could be part of the problem, i find my grown up children have happily settled into boring partnerships but giving it some thought they are like us, they are reproducing what they have seen in their relationships........ hmm thats quite worrying really..........wonder if its too late to be a sexy minx???/
Hey Domestic,
It is never to late to be a sexy minx!!!!!!!!!!!!!You go girl and imagine the unimaginable. I love you so and you are just to cute for words.
Hugs,
Lily
xo
Hi D,
Well the puppy search is still in progress. I saw a really cute one at the SPCA on Saturday on the website. It was to late in day for me to go there. Then Sunday I showed my Husband the pic of the dog and asked him if he would take me there. He kinda skirted around it saying He did not want a dog, we can’t afford it, etc. I said, I know but I NEED and want one. I said that was fine and I would go another time with someone else, just thought he might want a say in it. I then went out with my girlfriend for the day. We took a day trip to Broklyn. Ny together and had a great time.
Anyway, I will not give up on the puppy, soon it will happen. I just do not want to jump into anything right now. When the time is right, the right dog, will be there. As for things here, well I am feeling a little better. I am just taking things slow and working on me. Trying my best to take my focus off of my marriage and onto just me and what makes me happy. I know I have put a lot of pressure on my husband and with the raging hormones have made things much worse. I will be still and be patient and see what God has in store for me next.
Good news is my husband and I are taking our grandson on a train ride for part of his birthday present. My grandson has never been on a train and he just turned 9 years old. So I asked my husband if that was something he would like to do with us and join us. My husband said sure and so we are going this Sunday to the city and having a fun day just the three of us. I will let you know how it goes. I am glad at least my husband wants to go with us. I will take whatever I can get at this point.
Thanks for checking on me “D” and I hope you are well!
Have a beautiful and blessed day!
As always Hugs,
Lily
I think you should check out a book called "The Five Languages of Love." Everyone communicates differently and this book can help you learn how to effectively communicate with you husband. I don't feel like you are ready to give up on this! The human spirit is an amazingly resilient thing, and maybe you need to delve deep and harness that resiliency. No relationship is easy, but at the end of the day if you are willing to fight for it then it's not over. Hang in there!
Hi Clinem23,
Thank you so much for your offer of support. I will check out that book. Who is it written by? Any help I can get to make some kind of sense of all this is so greatly appreciated. I am so trying to hang in there. I am willing to fight for my relationship but if I am fighting a hopeless fight I am too exhausted to do so. I do not want to waste precious time I have left in my life on head games and bullshit.
Thanks again and I so appreciate your support.
Take care!
Hugs,
Lily
taking the grandson out might be a way to rekindle those early days of your relationship in a positive way, we have ours all the time as u know and its amazing the conversations we indulge in that begin do u remember when she/he was this age, but best of all its unconditional love for the grandson that is bringin u both to a shared activity
a train ride wow let me know how that goes, our youngest has found water!!! and no im not suprized he is nine and not been on a train they seem to be things of our childrens youth not this generation