I have nothing to hold on to. Im losing control. Im losing myself. I don't want to meet my meal plan calories. Too much, way too much. Its telling me to restrict, starve, youre fat FAT FAT. I hate myself. The mirror/ reflections shows how fat I am and its disgusting, revolting, everyone laughs at me. I feel so lonely since I am house sitting for my extended family. No rules, not obligations, no rules from others, no expectations.
I was alone and ate more than I wanted (more than my ED wanted) and I purged.... disgusting. I am so fat. I cant control myself. I think I have gained 20 pounds. Im so mad I purged though because I haven't in almost a whole month! I went to my boyfriends house after where he made me eat and eat and eat until my stomach was stuffed with more fat and disgusting food I didn't need. So when I got back to being alone I exercised. I am a horrible person. I don't deserve anything...
My parents gave me donuts when I visited them on my way back to the house. I cannot let myself eat them because I don't deserve them! I am not worthy. If I eat them I will gain weight and be even more disgusting! I would purge and I hate doing that. Why do I believe that one measly donut will make me gain? How can I not think it will make me gain? Ive lost control! I don't know who I am. Who is in control? I want so bad to follow my meal plan, to be healthy, to be normal, to eat the donut and maybe the cereal. To have a normal breakfast followed by lunch and dinner. I don't want to be normal. I want to restrict and become pretty and thin instead of fat fat FAT. I don't want to look in the mirror and cry or feel full Ever, or feel emotions. I cant deal with it. I want to scream and cry.... I need help.
I am sorry for ranting, I just have no one to turn to....
allee