Hi everyone. Haven't been on here in awhile. Things have gotten worse. Im so happy I found this site to vent my feelings, receive advice, support, when you have no one to vent and validate your feelings to. It just makes everything worse. Im trying to find a counselor in my area to deal with my situation now that i can finally afford it.
The story goes like this. Il try to put it as short as possible. My mother and I have had a rocky relationship ever since I can remember. When I turned 18 and moved out and it got worse. Partially or should i say mostly my fault bc as soon as i moved out i started a relationship with a childhood friend that became very abusive. Sexually, financially, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. My family distanced themselves from me during this time. I had no friends or family for support which only pushed me closer to my abuser. I went to a church for help after he tried to kill me by strangulation. After some time I got out and learned he had Antisocial personality disorder, diagnosed from a professional (his mother told me). I went through counseling for a short time where I discovered my participation in the abuse. Codependency. I also learned of my family's dysfunctional pathology which I knew about but never understood. The counselor was a family counselor my family went to when I was young. My mother was diagnosed with BPD but I never gave it any thought until I went back in my early twenties. Once I was out of the relationship and got my life together, my mother and I were much much closer. When I started a new relationship (too early really) to another man not abusive per say but definitely emotionally unavailable and psychologically abusive. Also many cheating scandals. He is similar to my father. Very narcissistic cold selfish man. I did not leave this one instead I got married and had children. My kids have a disability, Severe ADHD and a mild learning disability. I have no friends and am a student and stay at home mom. My kids are under the age of 6. I am always alone. My husband works all the time and when he is done for the day he dose side jobs or is at the bar, not recently. We literally see him on sundays only (sometimes if no side job) and if not working late or out around 6pm. When he is home he is distant and not engaged with us especially the kids at all. I am so overwhelmed by it all. My mother was always my emotional support and really my best friend since I got married and started a family of my own. She divorced my father when I became pregnant. Which the divorce was ugly and dragged out for 3 years. He is no longer around. Moved states away and remarried. My mom stayed in the home I grew up in and immediately got into another relationship as soon as my father moved out and before the divorce was finalized. the man mooched off of her for 6 years (he did not work or do any stay at home wife or husband duties). He was a drunk and a drug addict. Which she meet him at a local bar. When she finally got the strength to leave him I was elated! She is a very successful woman in her career and i think a good person who deserves more than what he was. He saw dollar signs. She deserved so much better. During all of this time we leaned on each other and helped each other. We talked everyday and joked about (We are in the process of looking to move ) my mother always said whatever you do please don't move more that 20 minutes away so we can be near each other and I can help you with your kids more (she lives 45 minutes away at the time). But then everything changed. When she was breaking up with the moocher, she started to changed. Reckless behavior. Overspending, drinking too much, reckless driving, and random sexual partners. I tried to help her through it and see if she would go to therapy even with me but she refused to see anything wrong with her behavior. I know why she was doing it but it was hurting her. Eventually during the 4 month break up process, she stopped talking to me. Not completely but to the point where we talked twice to three times a week instead of every day. Then I found out , out of nowhere, she had moved in with a guy and his two kids (15 and 3). She still had her house but went to live with him so she could pack up the house, fix it up, and sell it. She said he was an old friend (one of the ex es friends but not close at all, the one she just broke up with ) was just helping her out. They were not dating. She stressed this to me. Then two weeks after moving in with him she confesses they are dating, that it just happened. All I heard from that day on was how amazing he is and how he is everything she ever wanted that its like hes too good to be true. He knows her so well its like they knew each other forever. I was very worried about this bc she has a tendency to get with abusive men (same as me go figure). Not to mention she just broke up with the other guy and he finally moved out of her home, one week before moving in with this guy. A month goes by and my mom completely disappears. I still dont know where she lives all i know is its far way in a different city an hour and a half away from me.I talked to her one time in that month! i know this bc she is on my phone plan. Then she calls me on her way to work and tell s me that she thinks this guy is the one. She said he wants to get married and he wants to take care of her and give her a family. She said its so perfect bc he has a three year old who can play with my kids. It was very weird to me that all this is said in one month of knowing him! and I have never meet him yet! Remember i said she knew him from her ex. Well they didn't really know each other. She just meet him once at a party as he was the guy supplying the coke for her bf at the time. She said that was in his past that he has changed and lives a healthy life now. Well as you can see I was concerned but didnt say too much bc i didnt want to push her away further. Over time she still wouldn't talk to me. Only if she was alone on her way to work or if she did talk to me the guy (will call him bob) was in the background or I was on speaker and he would chime in. He still had never meet me but always had an opinion if my mom and i were having a personal conversation. Also he would get mad if she was on the phone for more than 10 minutes. When I blew smoke up her *** about him and how awesome he sounds (I knew he was listening) she finally invited me over. When the kids and I went to his house he wasn't there but his kids were. My mom was their new mom (their words) jokingly said. The house is very old and on a farm. When i went in the house it was empty except for all of my moms furniture and things from her house. Asking her where his stuff is, she said his ex, the three year olds mother, took all of his things when they broke up. Also i found out that he has a year to move out of this farm house bc the house was sold to a business right next door to the farm. So i asked her, oh so he is going to live with you in your new house when you sell the old one. she said yes but dont worry it will be mine and i will protect myself financially. Remind you this is 2 months into the relationship. I did end up meeting him for about an hour. He seems very personable and charming. What i found weird is he asked me a lot of questions about myself like he was analyzing me. anyways, Now about two weeks later my mom calls to tell me she's getting married!!!!! I freaked! I finally told her i UNDERSTAND THAT THIS GUY SEEMS AMAZING AND TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE BUT YOU DO NOT KNOW HIM WELL ENOUGH TO MOVE IN, START TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS, BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM, AND NOW MARRY HIM! I was shocked. I tried to tell her to at least just be engaged for a while before actually saying I DO. also I said there needs to be a prenup of some kind considering my mothers home when sold, she will come in a nice 6 figure pay day and already almost makes 6 figures a year with her career. Which she told this guy about!!! UGH! And he is an independent tradesmen not in a union which there is nothing wrong with that profession but he doesn't work all the time only when he finds work or should i say when he wants to work. So she said she will take my advice seriously and protect herself. Now 3 months in she tells me after a fight that we had, she wants nothing to do with me! I told her that my brother and I feel very sad and distant from her since she started dating him. She went from talking to me everyday to once a week for 15 minutes if im lucky. She also has not called to see how her grand kids are doing and has not seen them since the day i drove to her new place of residents. When i told her how we feel she told me im a selfish ungrateful child and that i should be happy she finally has a life and can be happy after all these years. Also explaining, the reason she hasn't been in touch is bc of her house being sold. I explained that I understand shes under a lot of stress but that doesn't mean she cant call me anymore. Then she said im selfish again for only thinking of myself when she needed help with her old house to sell it. I explained that I did clean it for her with her friend for a week while my kids were with me and i packed things for her on two different occasions. Its hard to do these things with little ones. but i did it. She said she needs more help and im selfish and ungrateful and consumed with only me and my needs and problems, for not being there for her. When i asked her if Bob was helping she said yes him and I and his 15 year old son are doing everything. That they are more helpful and a family than my brother and I. When I told her that her comment just confirmed our fears of feeling like she is replacing us with them or at least distancing away from us bc of them. she is starting over at 55 which is completely fine but to have a 3 year old, to be his new mommy as they put it and to not talk to us or involve us anymore hurts a lot! She screamed at me and said "so what i am his mother now. and too bad if you don't like it or any of them. We are a packaged deal especially bob and I. so if you dont like it then f u! then hung up on me. when that happened i heard bob in the background saying something to her RIGHT BEFORE she hung up so he was listening the entire time!!! After she hung up she texted me terrible things. Rubbing in my face that the 3 year old and her are going trick or treating something that her and i and my kids have done together for the past 4 years now, knowing how much it would hurt me. After we argued through text for a bit i gave in. Telling her what she wanted to hear. That I am selfish and that my feeling and perceptions are wrong and i should of known better. that i will get my head straight and change. that i am sorry. I asked her to please not stop seeing or talking to the boys considering she is all the grandparents they know and see on my side. that they are too young to understand if she wasnt there anymore. After i said all of that she texted me, "I cant talk about this anymore, Bob and I are in the car. Leave me alone. B!" I havent spoken to her since. Its only been 3 days but I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hurt and messed up by it all. I am not ready to loose my mother too as I did my father. Especially since we were so close. To go from that to nothing in such a short time with no real explanation is devastating. Sorry for the super long entire. It really helped to get it all out. Thank you soooooo much if you read this far!!!