Hi. I’m new here and I’m in need of support. I’m going

Hi. I’m new here and I’m in need of support. I’m going to try to make this as short but informational as possible.
*trigger warning for sexual assault*
I am 23 right now. When I was 18 was sexually assaulted, I don’t like using the R word. He was a friend of my brothers I had just met and he had got mad when I rejected his kiss. He tracked me and forced me into his car and then that’s where he assaulted me. Some weeks go by and I feel absolutely awful, I found out I was pregnant, 8 weeks along. I didn’t tell anyone. At 11 weeks I went and told him and he beat me until I miscarried. It was one of the worst things I’ve ever been through. I wanted nothing to do with men after that. After about 4 years I started sleeping around because I wanted to get the whole situation out of my head. After about 4 months of this I became pregnant again at 22, and again I miscarried at 7 weeks this time. After that I stopped sleeping with guys and started therapy but I have yet to talk about that. I have childhood trauma, I was abused from before I was born. My mom did drugs when she was pregnant with me and then I was heavily abused by her until I moved at 17. Right now I’m struggling with the thought of going back to sleeping around. I know it’s dangerous for me but that’s where my head is. I need advice for not doing those things again and I also need some opinions. I have always felt horrible about losing my babies but I feel as though I don’t deserve to. I don’t want mothers who have lost children, while trying to get pregnant and start a family, to feel hatred towards me. I know this was a lot, but whatever advice and thoughts you have would be great. I’m really struggling at the moment. I’ve been having extreme flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks. The whole situation makes me stressed and depressed. I just don’t want to burden anyone with my problems.

3 Hearts

Have you ever gotten the help you deserve, you were abused, beaten taken advantage of, my heart aches for you.  This is not your fault, nor was it your fault, ever.  RAINN.org is a wonderful organization for you to check out.  Please keep posting, we are here for you.  

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@CKBlossom I haven’t gotten the help I needed yet. It’s very difficult for me to trust anyone in order to talk. I’m also super anxious and shy so it’s hard for me to even talk to people in general. I’m working on it though. Thank you for the comment and advice.

@zbuck I'm sorry that you experienced all of that and it's still affecting you. I honestly know exactly what you are feeling. It's hard for me too with the panic attacks, nightmares, and flashbacks. I hope you feel calm at this moment. I hope you continue to feel calm and at peace with yourself. You are very strong for getting through all yo have experienced. You get up everyday and you do your very best to be your best. This is exactly why we must be patient with ourselves. We can't beat ourselves up for having a panic attack. I feel like the best place to reach out for guidance is the universe. And when I say this I mean seeking out the exact energy that we need. The feeling of wanting to sleep around may very well be you wanting comfort. I could be wrong. Just something I have calculated for myself. I personally find comfort in my spirit by working on my self-care. Doing the things I like to do. Getting things for myself. This can easily be seen as a coping mechanism but honestly you just have to do what makes you happy. Just don't get so sucked in that you over indulge on one thing that makes you happy. Love your self and be okay with the you now and the you that you are working to become.

1 Heart

@Lovelifer26 thank you. It has definitely been a journey for me, and I do beat my self for everything thinking I could have done something different.

Wow... I'm so sorry!!! This all sounds incredibly painful and traumatic on so many levels... all of it. My family experienced CSA at the hands of our father, it was excruciating to live in a household where fear was a constant as well as having to pretend to be "normal" whatever that was at the time.... I get it! Abuse is abuse no matter what shape or form it comes in. It's still all an assault upon you that you never asked for and was put upon you against your will.
I'm glad to hear that you are seeking therapy, I would recommend you be as open and transparent with your therapist as possible, it's truly a great way to get through some of this stuff. The thing about SA, is you HAVE to open up to someone about it so it doesn't eat you alive with the toxic thoughts and memories.
Truly the only REAL lasting healing and change I've found is healing by giving all of my pain, heartache, abuse... all of it... over ti God the Father who created me and knows me best. I literally came to the end of trying to fix myself and to heal up by positive vibes and realized this was something that was beyond me. When I found myself in a "pit" of despair, I cried out to Jesus and said, "I can't do this on my own, please take this pain from me!" At that moment, I experienced extreme peace. I told God he could have my mess and in exchange I received his free gift of salvation from all my sins and I made a permanent heart commitment to allowing him to rule and reign my life, not me! It was the best decision I've ever made. He replaced the ashes for beauty, the pain for healing, the mental torture for pure peace, the happiness quest with joy unspeakable. Are there still struggles? Yes! But nothing like they were. I now have an advocate who is wise, strong and all knowing on my side. I'd love to chat with you more via messaging if you'd like. Sorry this is getting long. I pray for you my friend, I have a daughter your age... I get it.... life can be cruel and tough. Praying for you!!!!

1 Heart

@RoseyViolet Thank you. I may reach out if that’s ok. I’ve never really met or talked to anyone who’s been through anything like I have. (Not that it’s the exact same, though) this message has really change my mindset

Dear zbuck,

You are such an inspiration. We all have things in our lives that we could have handled differently but what he did was his own responsibility. I pray that you can work thru the emotions and responses and forgive but you will probably need help. Please share your pain with someone who will understand and be able to help you to walk on. You have done a great job of accepting all that has happened to you but there are people who are equipped to help you to gain a stronger foothold on life. Here is a list of numbers at https://bit.ly/3hPrOGp you can call for resources that will help you to live your life to the fullest. You are precious and I am so sorry that life has handed you so many difficult circumstances. I want for you to find the fullness of all God has planned for you. God will help you to find people who will support and encourage you if you will open yourself to that.

I don’t know why your way has been so rough but I do know that a little encouragement and help from the right people can be a blessing. I am praying for you and will be happy to communicate as you start a new chapter in your life. I will continue to pray for new hope, peace and joy to fill your life. God bless you and keep you in His care.

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@hsgramabrenda thank you! That means so much to me