Hi! I’m trying a support group for the 1st time in years but I don’t know where else to go. I’m seeing a therapist and have been for a while but I need more of a support system and unfortunately I do not have one near by.
I’ve been married for 8 years, my mom and closest friend in live passed away 5 years ago from battling cancer and soon after her passing my husband started cheating on me with a friend of his. Situation that I didn’t know for about 3 more years. I was grieving my mom’s death and my “shoulder to cry on” was my husband… until one day… the woman he was having an affair with sent me an email with their 3-year conversation transcripts… I went down into a hell-spiral of emotions ever since. I didn’t have the courage to kick him out, I’ve tried many times but I always give in, we went through couples’ therapy, he has shown lots of remorse and has donde a lot of things to try to show that he wants to “fix” what’s broken but regardless all his efforts… I just can’t forgive and move on, I am constantly feeling very depressed, wondering why I stayed and wishing I would have never gotten married in the first place.
There are good days but most of them are hard… I dream constantly of finding someone else, but I also don’t want to leave and I am just going crazy with all of these… it’s been 2 years now since I found out and I have no one to talk to. A handful of friends know but they don’t generally feel comfortable talking about this and I have no close family left that I can open to… is it normal to feel still so depressed, did I make the wrong decision staying?, should I just pack and leave?, would I ever be able to love him again? Do I even really want to? Can a broken marriage be really fixed? Thoughts are very appreciated…
I think its perfectly normal to not accept what he has done. Cheating on your spouse is unacceptable in my book. There really is no way to know if they will do it again and why should you have to worry about that for the rest of your life. Maybe some people can overcome that but I think its totally normal to be done once you find out your spouse has cheated. My ex cheated and that is the thing that made it possible for me to leave her. I'm actually glad I found out because it broke the spell she had me under and I could see how horrible she actually was and let her go. There is nothing wrong with saying that he crossed a line and you have to move on with your life for your mental health. I hope you can recover from this and find happiness.
First slow down and just breathe. Depression is normal from this. Your are going through a form of ptsd. The other questions I can't answer for you. For myself I gave myself timelines so not to put anymore pressure on myself. Yes marriages can be repaired but it is a long hard road.
Yes, marriages can be fixed. Like @kas1966 said, it's a long process and not an easy one.
Having said that, it doesn't mean repairing the marriage is always the right choice for every person or situation. And doubtless, if you choose to stay and reconcile, I think it's natural to question your decision.
I decided to stay with my wife. One thing that I found that helps is that when I have doubts, I tell myself that I made the right choice and need to move forward in life. Sometimes this helps to quell the doubts... Sometimes, I just have to wait it out a bit.
In my opinion, 3 years of cheating is unforgivable and unfixable. It's been 2 years since you found out. Do you have kids?
@Fohb460 It is a long time… no we do not have kids. Fortunately!!!
What is your reason for not wanting to leave or do you know?
@Fohb460 you know… it is a good question I’ve been asking myself. At first, I was scared and shocked and I just didn’t want to rush a decision. Afterwards, we went through therapy and he opened up and said that he felt very unseen and not valued in the relationship and that he just started putting focus somewhere else where he felt “needed”. So I felt partially responsible for the broken relationship and wanted to give us a chance. It’s just that I cannot get over the feeling of betrayal and I don’t seem to find a way to regain trust. But part of me… does not want to leave just yet… we have built a home together and after my mom’s passing… he became my only family and I don’t feel like I want to go through another loss but I also don’t seem capable of forgiving and forgetting
Forgive me if what I say sounds harsh, it is not my intention.
You were grieving the loss of your mother, for your husband to say he felt "unseen and unvalued" is incredibly selfish, did he try to console you at all during that? You should in no way feel responsible or take responsibility for his actions while you were grieving, he is the one that made the choice to seek "solace" elsewhere. Depending on how close a family is, it can take decades to get through a death, some people never do. From what you say it seems like he wanted you to just get over it and move on. I understand what you are saying about wanting to hold on, sometimes it's easier to take the path of least pain, but it can end up causing more in the long run. If you forgive him and stay together, you may be enabling this to happen again. If you do not have children, it might be a good idea to at least separate. To be honest though, I'm having trouble getting past the 3 year affair but I'm trying to be objective, but I understand. My wife recently told me she wanted a divorce and has been seeing someone else. I'm absolutely crushed by it, but at the same time this has given me the opportunity to get my life back on track.
@Squaccoon great to hear that you are getting your life back on track. Sounds like she checked out awhile ago.
Hi @LindyCR I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the painful aftermath of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. I know from my own experience that it does take time to heal from this kind of hurt but healing does come. Have you considered counseling for yourself apart from couples therapy?
Personally I found IC beneficial as it helped me get to a stronger place emotionally and I was able to understand that choosing to forgive my H was important for my healing journey. Going through the roller coaster of emotions then was very hard but when I chose to forgive him, it brought me some peace. It did help that my H was really remorseful and doing all he could with his words and actions to rebuild the broken trust.
I do believe a broken marriage can heal and there can be reconciliation but it takes two fully committed people working on the relationship.
The truth is no one can tell you if you should leave your marriage, only you can make that decision for yourself.