Hi! I'm new here, and I am a closeted Lesbian. Sounds cliche but I've been this way my whole life, and just never had a label for it, or any way to articulate it or live my truth. I am in my thirties, married with children. I was so much on autopilot from the way I was raised that I guess I thought getting married and having babies would "fix" me, but since realizing it didn't, I have spiraled into a deep depression and sadness that I cannot shake off. And have begun falling harder than ever for other women. My marriage happened so fast, and I had children almost right away, so it wasn't until about three years ago I had a chance to come up for air and wrap my mind around what has been going on inside of me.
I was raised in a cult environment, home schooled, in the Bible belt. Always had gay friends, and always felt really good around them, but in my family being gay was simply not a thing that existed. I think my parents knew because there were many signs, and I've begun to understand that this is why they treated me differently than my siblings. Any time they would find a clue, they would treat me horribly, and threaten me with all kinds of psychological and emotional damage, but never actually talk me through it or give me any guidance. I am working with a therapist toward coming out, but due to the fact that I am a mother, this is scary and complicated. I gave up my career path and all of my plans when I got married. I don't want to be abandoned, and I'm really scared of being unable to mother my babies. But I do not think I can hide much longer. I think it is literally killing me. I have nightmares every night, and my heart hurts all day long. Anyone gone through this or have any support at all? I feel completely alone, and so sad it is almost unbearable.
welcome! we here accept you for who you are. not just on this board, but everywhere on the site. it doesn't sound like you are in the most tolerant environment, and im sorry. i hope you find all the support you need here and more.
@norseduncan Thank you. I am not sure exactly how tolerant my current environment is, but no until now, I definitely haven’t been. I just hope I don’t end up all alone under a bridge. My goal is to do this in a way that feels right to me, which means that I come out before acting on these attractions, which is getting so difficult. I feel the more I identify with my true self, the more this is visible to other lesbians, and some of them are understandably confused by the fact that I have this vibe that is not congruent with my present life. There is someone in my life right now, a friend, I am 99% sure is also gay, and I am 99% sure are strongly attracted to each other, but nothing can happen. I also have to keep our friendship distant even though she is an amazing person and we have a lot in common. I feel I can’t have close friends, because I’m afraid of falling for them, like I fell for a friend a few years ago. It was horrific. I’m not sure if she felt the same, or just used the feelings she knew I had to get a power trip. She came onto me really strong and then when I started reciprocating, she tried to make me look like a predator. I have learned that is actually quite a common occurrence with women who aren’t gay but just curious. Still, a shitty thing to do though, to lie to someone, break her heart, and them wreck her reputation. We do not speak anymore. I am still not over it. People were not meant to live the way I am living right now. I have to wait until I have had a minor surgery and recovered, and possibly all the way until September before I come out. I am really trying not to explode before then. I know this isn’t a mistake. Sometimes I think what I just stay in the closet? But I have finally come to understand, even if I lied and told my therapist and few close friends that I’m really straight… that wouldn’t make it true. It will never be true, no matter what I do. And I am devastated by that.