My story - married for 8 1/2 yrs together for 12 years. We had such an incredible soul connection and he was the love of my life. Now he has fallen in love with another women 15 years younger than him, and has left me to pursue this relationship. The leaving process lasted about 6 weeks during which time he vacillated about what he wanted, several times deciding he wanted to make our marriage work, but continued to see her behind my back using deceptive measures. Finally I threw him out a week ago, and since then he has emotionally disengaged from me. We have 2 kids together aged 3 and 6. I am utterly heartbroken and devastated. How long will I feel this way. I cannot sleep, I have lost a stack of weight and feel like I don't want to live any more. I just want to know will this pain ever end? I have never felt pain like this before. I have been keeping it together for the kids but feel like I am dying inside. Please help me.
Tricia_Strong,
I am so sorry you are going through such pain. I am here for you and will support you and try my best to help you through it. I am kinda in a similar situation, 25yrs married and now told by husband he doesn't know what he wants. He denies that there is another,actualy swares there is not.By his actions I find it hard to believe there is not someone else. How do you not know what you want? I do not know which is worse, it is just me or that there may be someone else. I am living with a stranger after all these years. This is such hell to live through. I can relate to felling heartbroken and devastated. Fortunatly my kids are grown, but one is still living at home with us in his last year of college. I as well am trying to keep it together for him.
I believe all things happen for a reason. There is something we are being taught that will make us better and stronger in the end. I do not know how long the pain will last, I still struggle with it. I had to get put on medication for it. I just started taking anti-depressant and an anxiety med. They are helping a little to at least let me be able to think clearer. Please message me back and maybe we can be a support for each other. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope to hear from you soon. Till then take care of you!!
Hugs,
Lily
I read somewhere that love is like war, easy to start but hard to stop. I have found some comfort in this saying because like Tricia I was in a 12 year relationship. It was so easy to fall for him but him leaving has been very hard. I started reading the book Eat,Love,Pray. It is way better than the movie and inspirational to anyone having a hard time moving on. God does not give us anything we can not handle. It is just a matter of figuring out how to handle it in a productive way.
You are in my prayers,
Anniebanks72
I think you should seek professional counsel, and also keep tuning into the children. As I know it's diffult to practically impossible for you, think about how it is for them.
As far as your husbands vascillating, I think it's more a matter of having the best of both worlds for as long as he could play that out. Sad on his part.
Keep in mind, this man doesn't define you. Merging your life with someone is most always done with best intent, deatching yourself from it is always hard. I can guarantee you that this will not last forever. As days pass, it will get easier.
Tricia,
i know exactly how you feel and you are in the right place to receive support and advice here. Wow- our stories are similar at about the same time and age difference. Einstein is right- you should seek out a professional to help you deal with what you are going through and use this forum to vent. In time things will get better. You do need to focus on yourself and your children that will help speed up the healing process. As far as your husband vascillating is because as Einstein stated he has the best of both worlds- he has the excitement of the new relationship but the emotional comfort with you so he has everything he wants. As far as him being disengaged from you, there is nothing you can say or do to change any of this- I know because i tried- it made me look desperate and weak and it only drives them further from you and in his/her mind validates this new relationship. Use this time apart to focus on you and what you want out of this marriage and whether you can accept this man for his betrayal of your trust. You did not make the choice to be with another- he made that choice and you are feeling all of this heartache and pain for something you did not choose. You need to love yourself first, only then can you love and be loved.
Lily- Sorry I haven't been keeping up with your posts been dealing with alot of my own issues. Hope all is well with you.
Newbie,
It is okay that you have not been keeping up with my posts. I do not even think I have really been posting much, just kinda replies back to some. Things are kinda stable for me right now, on my meds, and they are keeping me a little more held together at least.
What has been going on with you? Are you okay? I am thinking of you and praying for you that today is a better day for you. Know that I am here for you anytime you need a friend.
Take care of you!
Hugs,
Lily
Lily,
That is definitely good news. Glad that you are keeping it together. Things with me are okay- not where I would like them to be but its out of my control. Thanks for the well wishes, prayers and support. Know that I too am here too help you. While it may not be great advice- will do my best to help you. Best wishes.
Newbie,
Thanks hun for your sweet reply. All any of us can do is try our best to make everyday better than the last. Keep staying strong and this to shall pass. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.
Take care of you and know I am here for you.
Hugs,
Lily
Tricia_Strong
I feel your pain. I too am going through an excruciating loss. My soul mate and the love of my life, called me 9 November to tell me he had slept with another woman and that he intended to stay with her. He did this on the phone, he never came home. We've been together for 8 1/2 years, I never saw it coming, as a matter of fact I thought we had resolved all our issues and were finally ready to get married. Adding insult to the injury he made his announcement 6 weeks after the death of my mother and if that wasn't bad enough his new girlfried is 26 years his junior. It's been a week, I can't eat, I've lost 5 pounds and I can't sleep (the TV stays on constantly as it is my only companionship). My work is suffering because everything makes me cry, I can't focus or concentrate. I haven't seen him since as he has moved in with his girlfriend as he avoids physical contact with me. I've accepted his decision, at least in my brain but my heart is slow to accept the emptiness and loneliness. The pain is not only overwhelming but devastating. I have no friends as I have always put his needs above mine - I have noone to share the pain and I go nearly crazy knowing he is being consoled by another woman. I have started working out at the gym to release some stress and that helps as long as I am there but the pain comes back as I enter the house. I've also enlisted in a new dance class 3 times a week, and have offered to volunteer as everything I have read has said to engage and socialize but the bottomline is when I finally go home - I go home to an empty lonely house and I suffer endlessly until the next day. The pain is so intense, I just pray for daylight! Please let me know if you find a way to make the pain go away.
tricia_strong,
hang in there. i am sorry you are experiencing this. i am told also that the pain remains only for a while, not forever. its totally intense and with you having kids you need to keep hanging in there. try to see a therapist and even include your kids in it. they might also have issues from the split you might not be aware of. i am here for you also.
For all of us who are hurting today, reach out and know that God is there:
"I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me" (Psalm 142:5-6).
Lord and Savior, the intensity of my emotions is unbearable. Hold me in Your strong arms. Comfort me with the comfort that only comes from You, and guide me in taking one step forward each day. Amen.
Thanks Phoenix,
I so needed to read that right now…I am trying so hard to get through this day. Hope things are going well with you and your children.
Hugs,
Lily
I too was married to my bestfriend, soul mate, and love of my life. I can't even tell u when we started to fall apart after 10 years of marriage and several years of friendship. We had infertility problems. I became depressed and felt like a failure a woman and wife. My husband is like every man, wants to fix the problems. I'm sure he felt helpless, and his frustration came across as anger. We both changed into different people. I never even saw it coming. My husband was in the navy. He had to leave with his ship, while I remained behind working with the infertility doctors. While he was away I was informed that I would never carry a baby, are only option was adoption. My husband had voiced his opinion that he wanted a child of his own. He was afraid to adopt. I was devastated. I remember leaving the doctors office and just being is state of awareness that I was going to lose control and that I didn't want this to happen in front of the office staff or the other patients I held it in until I got safely to the privacy of my car. I called my sister in law, and I remember not being able to breath, I just whispered what the doctor had told me, like if I kept it quiet it wouldn't be real. I cried and asked her how do I tell her brother that I would never be able to carry our child, and that I couldn't even provide a egg for another to carry for us. I told him that night, he claims that he tried to take emergency leave to be with me, but it was denied. For weeks I held it together, with the promise that he would be home soon. We talked several times a day. Then one day w had talked in the morning and later that afternoon he would pick up the phone. I became worried! When I finally got intouch with him he acted angry by ny call. Our calls were limited and always cut short. A few days later I was grocery shopping when I had a horrible feeling come over me. I left the cart full and walked out of the store. I made it home, luckily it was a short drive from the store. I suddenly felt like I could not breath. I laid on the floor in my bedroom, trying to breath. I called my husband, he answered his phone like he was annoyed, I told him I needed to talk to him. He told me his phone was going to die, I told him to please charge it and call me back! He told me go call one of my girlfriends, that he was not near the ship to charge his phone and hung up! I called my sister. I was crying and trying to take a breath. I kept telling her don't let mom know Im on the phone. She started to freak. She asked what was going on. I told her Howard is going to leave me. I knew at that moment my life was going to change. And it did! I went to the doctors in the morning because I couldn't stop crying. I really had not eaten since my appt weeks earlier. They said I was having a nervous breakdown. They wrote me rx for a antidepressant, a sleepaid and anxiety med. On the way home my husband decided to call. I was angry and asked why are u calling now? I needed you last night and you were not willing to talk to me when I needed you the most. He asked what was I doing? I said driving back from the doctors. He asked what was wrong? I started to cry and told him they said they think I was having a nervous breakdown and had sent me home with medication. He he said well I dont know any better way to tell you this! But that be was being deployed to the Middle East. I started to cry even harder and asked when he was going? He said he would leave in 30 days. He then said, Kristina I can't do this anymore I want a divorce. I started therapy. He went to a attorney. He kept changing his mind. First he wanted the divorce, then only wanted a trial separation. I decided to move home with my family since he said he would be overseas for two years. I was on the east coast and he came to the east coast for training prior to his departure. We signed legal separations. I visited him at the base for weekend getaways. Our love life was never more active of stronger. We were not longer on a Ovulation schedule! I thought we were on the road to recovery. He wrote me love notes, that included statements that he was "falling in love with me all over again". He left a week before Christmas. I took care of everything on the home front. Paid the car payments, insurance, sent care packages, and inspirational notes and photos. I got phone calls, flowers, emails always ending with I love you! Was so excited when he said the two years was shortened to six months! Then the phone calls started to come less frequent, emails no longer ended in I love you! On my birthday I received a email, I believe by accident between him and a friend. It contained information about our separation and that the divorce would be final by the time he returned to states. He had contacted the attorney and had her convert the separation to a divorce! Again my heart was split in two! 5 months later the divorce was final. 6 months later my ex husband informed me that he was getting married. His girlfriend was pregnant! I still feel he pain everyday! It doesn't go away. It will be 3 years this September. The thing I miss the most is the friendship I lost. The marriage was a bonus?, luck?, a Miracle? I thought once that I had everything figured out. Now Im lost and just can't move forward. I need to understand how somebody can change and be so cruel. To play with my emotions, my heart and my mind. How do I move forward?
O
Tricia,
It is amazing how many people share the same stories. It depresses me to think of all the people who do not take marriage seriously. I am in the same situation. Married for 11yrs together for 17yrs. He is now with a woman 16 yrs younger. I have split custody of our 4 and 6 yr old which is the hardest to deal with; when they are with him. I am on medication, see a counselor once per week and surround myself with friends and family.
It has been 6 months since he officially asked for a divorce 8 months since he stated he was questioning the marriage. I do not cry as much. I can even go a couple of days without crying. The pain is still intense. Feels like I am dying inside. And sadness follows me like a black cloud where ever I go...so I am out of the no eating stage, cry all day stage, I cannnot work stage but am not in a stage where I am happy in my life again. I am grateful for my life, kids, family and all the support I have in my life but only really feel happiness when I am with my children. I have to find a way to be happy when they are not around though. It is not fair to them for me to depend on them for happiness.
Keep me posted. You are definitely not alone.