I need some help/suggestions on how to stop over analyizing everything my husband says or does. It’s like I’m always looking for the lie, it’s exhausting. He is the 1 that had the affair but I fear I will be the 1 to cause the marriage to end with this. I am constantly fighting myself to look at his phone or emails.
2 Hearts
Do you trust that he has stopped? I know you are hurting, but you have to answer that, if you trust him you can stay married, if you don’t, then how can you possibly continue?
I struggled with this HARD! It is so unfair that he brought the doubt and the questions and now it hurts and it won’t stooooooop!
So, I got this great piece of advice and I’ve been working REALLY hard to live it:
You can spend 364 days a year waiting for something bad to happen on the 365th and then kick him to the curb.
Or, you can spend 364 days being happy and if he cheats again, kick him out on day 365!
You already know that you can survive the pain of infidelity so…if it happens again: DONE!
Judge Lynn Toler
3 Hearts
@ Happiertoday I want to really thank you for this, I am going to try and live this too. I go in cycles, I am fine and confident and then bam out of nowhere something triggers me and back to square 1. What a nightmare.
I trust completely that it has stopped, but it was all they lying & 1/2 truths that happened (I am confident that I know all the details, or at least all I need/want to know) that cause my insecurities.
I can totally understand how devastating that must be, but if you know and you feel he has turned around and wants to regain your trust, work on trusting him. Ask him to help you trust him. When he says he will be home, be home. When he is home, you are allowed to look at his phone, etc.
Not exactly the same, but when I find myself fixating I try to stop, say “This isn’t a healthy or productive train of thought”, and try to move on to something else. Overthinking is like quicksand, the longer you stay there the more likely you are to get pulled in.
3 Hearts
That is such a good idea!
I know exactly what you mean. I just cried through my birthday because I was thinking how “he was cheating on me for my last birthday. And smiled at me, laughed with me. This year, it felt like a sucker-punch to the gut.
Happy belated birthday. I am so sorry he hurt you like this, people that love one another shouldn’t be able to be this cruel.
I feel your pain. It is a constant struggle. Today I decided to check his facebook history. He is constantly checking on “her”, her sister and her ex husband. I am sick. I sneak the checking so not really sure how to confront him. He claims he “loves me so much”. I am physically ill
I cry through everything. I look at pictures of my kids and think was he cheating during this or that? It is debilitating. For me it’s been almost 6 years. I still think about it everyday. Does it get better, it can’t get worse.
It does get better, you just have to let it get better. But it won’t if you still have lingering suspicions, concerns, or evidence.
In your case you found evidence that he at least still “checks on her” and those around her. That raises concerns and rightfully so. If I had ever been in that boat, I would have gladly confronted my wife about it, and told her it was only on suspicion which I found were validated. Keeping track of an affair partner shows lingering feelings or desire to know what they are up to if nothing else.
If you confront him you get an answer. Maybe he does it out of habit, desire, curiosity, or continued feelings. But you should make it clear that such actions don’t promote trust, and make you question his integrity.
Even if everything is clear and out in the open it takes time, and most of us are still subject to triggers even if there are no indications that should lead to them. If the person that cheated really has remorse and wants to help you through it, they should understand that and be willing to talk on your terms.
6 years of knowing, or 6 years of divorce?
Almost 6 years of knowing the small details. 3 years of knowing a lot more. Still have so many questions, I will never get answers. Eats me up inside.
But you are still married?
I am. Some days are so good/ great. Other days I get lost in my thoughts and pity party. It’s sometimes unbearable.
If you can’t forgive him, why stay married, sorry to be so blunt, but I was raised by cheating parents and the relationship was so toxic it was painful to be around them. You either start again, work through your pain with him or it is like drinking from a cup with no bottom and complaining you are wet and thirsty.