The last few days have been up and down. I finally got some meds for my ADHD and I feel like it's definitely helped me keep myself on track so that I can finish things. I didn't realize how hard it had gotten just to have a conversation, or to watch a film. I'm used to pausing things ten times to go do something else because I just can't keep focus.
It doesn't help that I constantly think others are trying to use me or manipulate me. I'm on edge whenever anyone walks up to me. I purposely put on a show of indifference so that people think I'm stuck up or not worth talking to. I don't know if it's the haircut or what, but lately in town, there have been two guys who won't leave me alone. I go to both places frequently, and while normally I have no problem being very assertive or even getting into arguments with others, I don't want to have any kind of problems at these particular places because I'm there multiple times a week.
I haven't gone to one place in over a week, because the guy there purposefully goes out of his way to talk to me and ask me invasive questions. Where do I hang out, do I have any friends? What are my hobbies? He's new to town, do I think I could show him around, etc.. I've made it clear I'm not interested, but each time I go to that store he makes yet another attempt. I don't want the trouble of talking to a manager or making a problem. I want to get my stuff and go home.
I hate situations like this. I feel like I'm either completely passive, or in a rage. I am worried I will completely lose it and tear into him like I had done to me so many times as a child. I want to say awful, hurtful things, then smile when he gets upset. But I am truly trying to be better. Finding a middle ground is hard, and it takes practice.
He's just a stranger, doesn't even matter, but it bothers me. I hate that it bothers me. I hate that I feel trapped because I'm trying so hard not to be that person i used to be. It sucks.
I know exactly what you are talking about and I hate those situations too. I use to live in a city and always had various people try to talk to me or ask for money or just engage on any level. I always was polite and even when I had my headphones on listening to music just trying to have some alone time I would talk for a bit and do my best to be friendly. I gave to others what I could. But some people pushed the boundaries past my comfort zone and politeness didn't work. I know this inner rage you speak of at not being respected. It's so frustrating!! But you have the right to feel frustrated. What I try to do now even though I struggle ALOT with what I call my BPD light switch is when I feel this side of me that I don't like emerge I just don't judge myself. I do that DBT skill of just observing without judging. I have recently discovered that in the past when I got the rage part of myself boil up inside I would start the inner critic with what a bad person I am and then it would just snowball into feeling powerless and trapped but when I stopped the inner critic and judgement I could find my way back to the middle again.
Actually the inner critic is the part that keeps us all trapped. It sucks so much!! You are right to feel upset when you are not respected and you have the right to take care of yourself. I'm sorry today was a hard day for you. You are not alone with your experiences. You are doing great!
@AllthesethingsIhavedone What you wrote is basically a perfect description: a BPD lightswitch. I definitely need to work on using more DBT skills. I feel like I’m at the stage where I’m only using it for basic things, but can’t quite hold it when things get rough. I’m also glad to know I’m not the only one with these problems. It feels like such a fine line between trying to be polite and trying not to explode. I like the headphones idea a lot, and I think it might help with some of my outings, so thank you! I’m always looking for ways to make my life a little easier/less stressful.
You are not alone in this. I was so bad that I moved countries because Jamaican men were so disgustingly invasive and persistent. This may be controversial advice but I don't think you should hold it in (just don't get arrested or harass anyone haha). In Eastern nations, BPD is considered a spiritual gift for reasons such as these. If you're good with your words as weapons, wield them in self-defense. This makes you uncomfortable for a reason and that reason should be made known. Who knows? There may be other people going through the same thing. I recommend teaching him a lesson aka giving him the gift of enlightenment :)
@GreenAaro if you don’t want small talk or too invasive of questions find a Finn or go to Finland as small talk and conversing with strangers is a looked down upon. And for heavens sake don’t speak in the sauna unless you really know the person. Finns are quiet and reserved almost to the point of rudeness for outsiders. Explains why I am so darned shy around actual people. Just FYI. Although…when I visited Finland for the first time I got question all about American education and English language compared to British English from one too curios friend of my cousin. Thankfully he drunk himself into a stupor on his home made vodka. (it was a holiday). Never felt more at ease as I did while i was in Finland-and that was 17 years ago.