I am 27 years old and i have been married for 3 years now.My wife is a very spiritual christian women. We met in high school and i have been the only man she has ever kissed or had sex with. I have had a sex addiction for years going all the way back to when i was in high school. In high school i never viewed it as a sex addiction because sex with as many women as possible was just the thing to do. I had alot of negative friends that i hung around and everthing was always about women, sex, more women and more sex. When i met my wife, it was love at first sight for the both of us. She was so perfect and godly and pure. I loved everything about that women and she only knew the good side of me. She had never seen the bad evil creeping with women late at night side of me. I never told her about my past or the amount of women i had slept and fooled around with. I thought that it would make her hate me and not love me as much if she knew the bad. You would think that a man who has met the perfect women would just stop and love her and only her. But no not me i just could not stop. The entire eight/nine years i have been with this women i have been unfaithful. She caught me many times and i cried my eyes out begging her to stay. The good women that she is she always stood by me hopping and praying for me to change. Though everytime she took me back her i lost things that i only wished i could have back. Though she still loved me she was less affectionate and less sexual. I told myself i would stop many, many times and try and recreate the bond that me and her once had. But i always felt guilty inside and i deflected my sexual problem as being her fault. I made myself believe that it was her fault and i would tell myself " she does not have enough sex with me, that is why i still do it. Or she is not affectionate to me anymore, that is why i still do it." But that is not the problem it was me all along. This women was so good to me that she tried to tell me many, many time to just be open with her and tell her everything. She was willing to help me through the process of recovery after everything i put hr through. But everytime i would just continue to lie and lie and lie becuase i did not want her to see how bad i actually was. She would find out something that i did and i would swear that was the only person i was fooling with. Though if i had told her the truth i would have a add a few more womens names to the list. So i would lie and lie until finally my walls came down after she had investigated and dug until their was almost nothing left to find. When i heard the pain in her voice on that day, that is the day i decided i really and truly needed to change. I have tried to change many times before but never on my own without her. I guess that is what i desire for being so selfish all of these years and not being loyal to my wife. We have a beautiful daughter that is 1 yr and 7 months old. She is pregnant right now with our son and she is due in Feb 20th. I should have never put my family though this pain. My wife moved out and took the kids, i am scared and alone for the first time. I miss my daughter so much that i think i am going to having a nervious break down. The only way i am to get my family back is if i change and prove myself again. THE PROBLEM IS THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. I need to pick up the pieces of my life and change for myself before i can face them. I need that real deal expert/support or someone who has hit rock bottom like me and got back up again to show me the right direction becuase i am lost.
cochranj.. You already took ur first step in the change , whice is realizing that it is the exact point you have to change , and not only for yourself and your good wife , but also for your kids .. :)
Now , you have to prove to yourself that you HAVE changed , you need to stop this addiction , erase every memory of this stage of your life .. Like changing your phone number , erasing those women's numbers from your list .. And whenever you think you're gonna break down and fall again , remember your good wife and your daughter , and your son and how much they need you in thier life
Beside that , you should find a hobby or something to relax your mind even it was a chess or pool game , like ANY hobby ..
that's for now :) .. hope it gets better soon :)
I am in a similar situation with my significant other of 3 1/2 years. I found out he has held this addiction since high school and has been "found out" by past girlfriends, always claiming that he'd change. Although I have since left him - I am working with him, from a distance, with the intent that if he can truly prove he can and wants to get past this, I will start over, not pickup where we left off, start over with him.
Understand your wive's pain. There is a whole side to you that you have never shared with her, while shes put her entire self into you. Take it from me, that probably hurts her more than the cheeting some days. You need to know that there is hope to your problem - you don't always have to feel this way. There are experts out there that can help you deal with the urges and feelings you have on a day to day basis.
You need to do away with the inclination to cheat. Deleted contacts, web accounts, etc, even changed your phone number. Open yourself up fully, asking for help. It hurts a great deal for me to see the messages, phone calls, names of people my friend had written to, acted on and been with, but knowing the whole truth is part of the healing process for the both of you.
You need to understand that your wife loves you, but you have hurt her, and you by no means deserve forgiveness. She may choose to forgive you, she may even choose to be with you someday, but you should not expect it, because even though you have suffered through this problem alone for so many years, she has suffered through it to - she has shared her entire self with you, and you have chosen to hide a very large part of yourself. You need to get to the point where you can be 100% honest with her, and share yourself with her and only her, because its what she deserves.
The biggest thing on the to do list is seeing a counselor, specialist, etc. You need to see a professional, because you need to do more then just say you're not going to do it anymore. If you don't know where to go to find one of these specialists, go to a church, ask a pastor for help. They usually have contacts and can help. It might also help to talk to the pastor as well. He can give you the confidence that your wife cannot offer right now because she is hurting so badly.
Know that no one is strong enough to kick this addiction on there own. I've heard people who speicalize in sex addiction compair it to a heroin addiction because it releases the same "feel good" chemicals in your body. And you need to seek this help, not to "keep" your wife, but to become better. You need to do it for the right reasons, or part of you will never change, no matter how much you love her - because its an addiction.
Seek and you will find friend. I will keep you in my prayers, and I hope you, and my friend, will find the help you so greatly need.
I am sorry that things have gotten bad enoughthat your family is falling apart and your wife is going through this pain. I do know from present experience that being sorry does not constitute change. It is however a wakeup call as your mind is now able to no longer able only to see the pleasure in your behaviour, but now you can see the negative aspects of your behaviour. Take your time and make sure that you are mindful of the steps you are taking to break free. That you are not just doing things that you think are the right thing to do just because they seem to be. Out of guilt its not difficult to throw away numbers, but it is more important to do so because you truly want to stop, not just in response to her leaving you. If she were to return and you get comfortable again with your marriage thats when you want to be sure you wont fall. If you get any advice that helps in your journey, please share, good luck
At this point you both need space. If you can be on your own for a while and remain faithful to her without any physical contact with anyone what so ever,and "save yourself" for her then you will know you are ready to be a husband to her once more. You said she is a good christian woman. Go to her pastor and confess. Don't try to rush and get her back at this point. Work on yourself and committ to being a "re-virgin", and go from there. Ask your wife for a date. Send her flowers. Court her again and hopefully you will both heal and be together as a family once more. Don't do it to end your lonilness, but embark on this journey in an effort to truly know yourself and whether or not you can be the man that YOU WANT TO BE.
Good luck,
Love and time heal many wounds.
M
"Life Sucks! Don't Give It A Straw!"
cochranj, get involved in self help group and see about some counseling. "M" is right you are going to have to rebuild your relationship with your wife. There are no easy answers.