Hi everybody,
I have had a gradually developing alcohol problem since I was 15. I'm now 33. I think it will kill me. I drink up to a bottle of wine and ten beers a night. Almost every night, but sometimes I manage not to. I'm gaining weight. I can't think about anything else. I am nervous and anxious and I can't sleep without alcohol.
I hate myself. I feel like a despicable person who deserves to die. That's largely because I lie to everybody I know. My wife lives with me and has no idea how much I drink. If she knew she'd leave me. I want to stop. My life is out of my control. I work from home, but my work is suffering terribly now. If this goes on I will be completely useless at my job.
It doesn't seem possible for me to stop. Life without alcohol doesn't seem worthwhile. I am terribly awkward socially, and depressed, with a family history of anxiety and depression. I only feel temporarily relieved when I am drunk. I can drink twelve beers and people can't tell I'm drunk. My body is going to fail soon. I can feel it. I am moving inexorably toward death. I don't want to die. I know it's up to me, but I do not feel strong enough. I have tried to believe in god, but I cannot. I have tried and tried. I simply cannot believe, and it's not something I have control over. I feel guilty for even writing this. I don't want to burden anybody. I would like to help people. But I am in no shape to help anybody. I feel deeply ashamed. Always. And I don't know what to ask for. I need help, but my life is a horrible tapestry of addiction, deceit, and misery.
Well, thanks for reading.
Ashburnham welcome here, and it is very brave for you to write about yourself and your struggle with alcohol. You should be proud that you admitted all that. It seems that you do want a life without alcohol and you want to not be addicted, and so with a lot of hard work i know you can beat this addiction.
I think you need to start being honest. Are you sure you can't talk to you wife? You can't do this alone and you will need someone to be there with you, and asking for her help may be what you need, so think about opening up to her. If not find a counselor or AA meeting that you can go to, take your wife with you.
You are not a bad person you have a bad addiction. Don't beat yourself up but start looking for ways that you can help yourself. I think talking to someone who can help you is the way to start. Either talk to a doctor for a recomendation or find an AA group in you area.
Good luck and stay strong. I know this will be a hard struggle but remember all the positive things you can have without alcohol.
Thank you, Victoria1981. Reading your response made me feel better. I did not drink last night and I got some good work done today. I will not drink tomorrow. Your response meant a lot to me. Thank you.
Hi Ashburnham, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . I can so relate to what you have shared about drinking. That is the way it was for me. I went to AA http://www.aa.org/ for help. Have you ever gone to AA? If you haven't, then I suggest finding a meeting and going to one. There is hope and help for you. Please keep sharing with us and letting us know how you are doing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))
Ashburnham great job on not drinking the other night, you have to take it one day at a time. Also keep writing here, you will find more and more people who have been what you have been through and bluidkiti gave some good suggestions. Stay strong, it will be a slow process but you can do it!
Trust me you do not want to die of liver failure. I am also 33 and have been drinking heavey like hard everyday since i was 13 and my liver counts r scary and i have to make a choice now too live and change or die with the bottle. not only that my brother is 41 and at this moment he is dying in a bed at the hospital because he drank too much. he has very little time and is so much pain he can not speak anymore or walk not even move his body. i have never seen anything or one so yellow and helpless. Dr's told us yesterday 2 make a choice soon we have very little time.We pray for a miracle now. take it from me go get checked out because once you get hep you have 30% chance and thats that.
eva4ever i am so sorry for what you are going through. and thank you for sharing your story here so people understand the seriousness of alcohol abuse. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can get through the situation ok. My thoughts are with you for your brother. Please let us know how things are.
Eva4ever, thanks for responding. I am so sorry about your brother, and about your proble, too. I am terrified of dying like that. We have to stop drinking. I went three days and completely failed yesterday. I blacked out. Now my stomach is killing me. We need to stop, and I'm sure that we can. I will not drink tonight. Like Victoria1981 wrote, we have to take it one day at a time. If you choose to live and stop drinking, your brother's illness will have at least had one positive outcome. Thanks for writing and please choose to live.
Ashburnham
Just try to remember what you were like without alcohol. Try to think of the good times you have had while you've been sober. Sometimes when I think I have to drink...I think back to a really fun day and it takes my mind off things. I am really socially awkward too, so I understand drinking to take the edge off, but try to remember alcohol is not a personality trait. If people only know who you are when you're drunk...then they never get to see the real person you are. Recently I have realized that my friends aren't my friends...they are just "drinking buddies." You can beat the odds of family history! Just take it one day at a time. I know sometimes it is hard to believe in God. I have gone through those times too. What you have to believe in is yourself. If you have faith in yourself anything is possible.
Hi Megan,
Thanks. That's goof advice. Last time I didn't drink for a few weeks I felt amazing. But since I was fifteen I've known that alcohol has a strong hold on me, and it has always been the dominant factor in my life.
Since that age I've seen everything through the lens of alcohol, whether I was drinking or not. I went out walking the other night and it seemed like the whole world revolves around alcohol. But that's just the way I see the world.
If you feel like you're friends are just drinking buddies maybe you can try to find some friends who don't drink...? And keep talking to people here! Being in grad school is so hard and stressful, but there must be people around who don't drink. My performance in grad school has suffered because of drinking. I'd be in a much better position now if I'd been addicted to work, like so many other grad students. I hope you are doing better. I am not drinking tonight and I am determined to keep it up.
That sounds great! Let me know how you're doing.
megan you are so right about the friends. I had a couple of friends that i partied with a few years ago, because i was young and living in a city where i was going out often. Now i am over that phase and the partying and realize when i meet them for dinners out i have nothing to say to them. I know they are good people, but they are still in party mode and i'm not there anymore. I am lucky that i have found a great group that i can connect with on a different level. With a new friend we started running together and training for a half marathon. Its nice to have people that you can do different activities with and it doesn't revolve around drinking.
Ashburnham - stay strong, don't worry about the black out, its so early on, i know it will take you time to get through all this. and soon your 3 days sober will be 3 weeks, then 3 months. you can do it!
Wow - you making this step is awesome! I lost my best friend to alchol a year ago - he was 28. I never knew until it was too late that he had a problem - he too kept it in. I really look up to you for seeking help and this site is awesome! It's for us - who can't socialize and the tought of picking up a phone or talking to someone in person is WAY too overwhelming - its a beginning.
About the whole GOD situation - I consider myself a Christian but my fiancee isn't. I don't think he believes in God and he is a reformed Alcoholic of 2 years now. I do remember him saying during the first few meetings of AA that it was discouraging because they focused on God a lot - pushing it. So he found another group that focuses on a greater power vs. 1 spiritual figure. I really feel for you and have you ever considered talking to your doctor about it? I really think you need to go to your doctors and get your liver checked out bud. I HATE telling people what to do but with my medical background - you need to make an appt. for next week or something. I know this is super hard but it's time to tell your family that you have a problem and you need the help. I'm not suggesting you are going to die because you can reverse most of this - but just so they can be there for you. This addiction is very difficult if you don't have actual people in your life that can help you daily. You will be a pain in the *** when they try to help you - but they will understand. Just think of it like this way too - we've all heard wife's, husbands, children etc. LEAVE the home because of a drunk - but have you ever heard of them leaving because you are in recovery??? GOOD LUCK and you need to keep in touch.