I am new to this support group and feel like I need to vent as well. I have been with my husband for 15 years, but married this October. In 2016, I was caring for my father in home on hospice. I was alone and my husband (then boyfriend) claimed he was always busy (he owns a diner) so I believed him. A few months went on and my father was dwindling away and I was so alone watching him die and my boyfriend was no where to support me at all. The day my father died I called him for support, he then tells me I found someone new and she’s great. So then at that point I’m not only in shock of my father dying, but numb from what I just heard. A few months go by and he reaches out and I mentioned her and he said “we only talked and had coffee!” My trusting self believed it. Long story short a year later he professed his love for me after I moved out of NJ to Ohio (heal myself) and he was destined to bring me back to NJ to make it right!! Something in my gut told me ask about the coffee chick. I did and he still denied anything happened. I was in an accelerated nursing program and finished this summer and he proposed to me in January and set to marry October 2021. I sat in a chair and felt that gut feeling like ask him again. He kneeled before me, looked me in the eyes and said, “ Holly I swear on my sons life that nothing happened sexually with the coffee lady.” I though he swore on his sons life he has to be telling me the truth. I got married and still after I was married I was reading his body language his body was shriveling over In guilt. Something said to me “seek the truth” (I was opening up to GOD more) so I lied and said Sam I talked to her (coffee lady) and she told me the truth do you want to tell me the truth now. That had to be the one moment in my life I thought I nearly fell to the floor. He told me everything: while my father was dying and I was dying watching him die, my bf:
1. Sam matthews was having coffee at the Hibernia diner talking about her ex and me
2. Meeting her and going to bars with her
3. Bringing her back to his elderly mothers house (he’s 59 and still lives with his mother) and had sex with her unprotected multiple times (put me at risk for many diseases as this woman is dirty (Tina iskra, Rockaway NJ)
4. Said he had sex her specifically 3 times
5. During all this he was still talking to me here and there and driving my daughter to school
I would like to add the entire time we were dating he used condoms with me as I am younger I guess, which doesn’t make sense because he could have gotten a disease from her (she was 59 and I was 35)
His response to this:
- i don’t know why I did it
In the meantime im broken right now and don’t know how to process this. I feel like when my father was dying he could have broke up with me and call it a day. No he went and took advantage of my vulnerability in caring for my father while he was dying to sleep around. Im lost any advice would helped
Thank you for listening
I'm sorry you have been put through something like that. That's really weird how he was never supportive and then dumped you for someone else the day your father died? Even IF he didn't have sex with her he still dumped you for someone else. She probably dumped him and that's when he begged you to come back to him. How do you think the relationship has been since you have been married? Has he been supportive, has he done anything else that makes you suspicious? Get a notebook out and write down all of the positives about him in one column and the negatives in another column so you have it to look at and think about things. Make a list of what you want and expect in a marriage/relationship. Look at that and ask yourself if you have that or feel like you two can communicate about those things and work towards improving your relationship. Think about what the deal breakers are for you, if you don't have any then that's a problem within you. Do you want to feel loved and supported, and feel like you can trust him (now)? Ask yourself questions such as...can I forgive him for cheating on me before we were married? Does he show remorse? Does he say he's sorry? Has he made a lot of changes since then? Does he act like he wants to make changes about himself? You need to look at everything about the relationship and not only the cheating before you got married. Do you think he's willing to prove to you that he is trustworthy now? It's not only what someone does it's what they don't do as well. As you said back then he wasn't supportive but maybe he is now and has been for a long time I don't know. Try to weigh everything out. Think about what you need and want that is your starting point then take it from there.
@Littleturtle1000 Thank you so much for all those great tips. So when I thought he was working before my dad died, he was running around with her. I think what is making it hard for me is I was there for him when his father died and when his mother had cancer. The one time in my life I needed him… it’s the past and the other thing. The other issue i have is that before I got married this October 2021 he swore on his sons life he did nothing and looked me in the eyes and lied to me. So I feel like there were the last two years of him trying to be a better person but I felt like I was still correcting his behaviors often. Examples, during covid I came in for breakfast at the restaurant I was eating with him and his waitress came up behind him and started massaging his back in front of me…. I froze and was speechless (I have ptsd ), another time he took me to an engagement party and his face was in this ladies boobs while sitting next to me (he doesn’t know how to remove himself or avoid these situations), another time his friends wife was invading his personal space and putting her feet on him and I’m sitting there like are you going to tell her to stop (I froze again) , when he takes me out to dinner he isn’t mentally at the table with me he is constantly looking at women (in which he has a preference which my self esteeem is shot). One thing else that makes me unsettled is that ge moved me into his mothers house so I could finish this accelerated nursing program and this is the house he had his affair multiple times in. Lastly, he has a horrible and twisted relationship with his mother (he hates her, tells me how he wishes he could kick her down the stairs, he has explosive outbursts with her, and then there are times he walks around in his underwear when she is near him- he has been living her the last 20 years).
I feel like since I have been with him so long I created a baseline for his behaviors and any time he deviates from them I know. He creates patterns without knowing but I do and I got to a point I feel like I have been his life coach, his mother and therapist all these years all at my expense. I put him first and myself last and I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of the I’m sorry s and then the behaviors go back to same as they were before
Thank you so much for all those great tips. So when I thought he was working before my dad died, he was running around with her. I think what is making it hard for me is I was there for him when his father died and when his mother had cancer. The one time in my life I needed him… it’s the past and the other thing. The other issue i have is that before I got married this October 2021 he swore on his sons life he did nothing and looked me in the eyes and lied to me. So I feel like there were the last two years of him trying to be a better person but I felt like I was still correcting his behaviors often. Examples, during covid I came in for breakfast at the restaurant I was eating with him and his waitress came up behind him and started massaging his back in front of me…. I froze and was speechless (I have ptsd ), another time he took me to an engagement party and his face was in this ladies boobs while sitting next to me (he doesn’t know how to remove himself or avoid these situations), another time his friends wife was invading his personal space and putting her feet on him and I’m sitting there like are you going to tell her to stop (I froze again) , when he takes me out to dinner he isn’t mentally at the table with me he is constantly looking at women (in which he has a preference which my self esteeem is shot). One thing else that makes me unsettled is that ge moved me into his mothers house so I could finish this accelerated nursing program and this is the house he had his affair multiple times in. Lastly, he has a horrible and twisted relationship with his mother (he hates her, tells me how he wishes he could kick her down the stairs, he has explosive outbursts with her, and then there are times he walks around in his underwear when she is near him- he has been living her the last 20 years).
I feel like since I have been with him so long I created a baseline for his behaviors and any time he deviates from them I know. He creates patterns without knowing but I do and I got to a point I feel like I have been his life coach, his mother and therapist all these years all at my expense. I put him first and myself last and I’m so exhausted. I’m tired of the I’m sorry s and then the behaviors go back to same as they were before.
@16holly77 Do you think your life would be healthier and happier without him? What keeps you from ending it with a person that has done nothing but deceive you and cheat on you? Think about that. Sometimes we need to do what’s best for us even if it’s scary and unknown. Do you feel he has been abusive to you in any way such as emotionally, verbally, mentally, physically? I would suggest you find a women’s group in your area you might have to call several places to find one but that’s the way it is sometimes. Do you have any family for support? The person your with has a lot of serious issues, while it’s true many of us do have some issues as long as we aren’t hurting our significant other then that’s a different situation. His issues are extremely unhealthy for you and I don’t think anyone should be with him. Consider getting out of there.