I am unhappy with myself and the things I cannot change. I abuse intoxicants as a result. It’s getting worse. Why must I be the way I am? I just cannot accept myself. I have family who love me and it’s amazing. Sometimes I wish I didn’t though because it would make ending it all so easy. I don’t want to be here anymore. They don’t know my pain. I stay here for them. Bitter, sweet. It’s so hard.
1 Heart
Please please don’t! My husband took his life in 2006 and you have no idea how much pain this causes the people you leave behind. In addition, there is a huge amount of guilt. What is it that you want to change that you can’t? Maybe I can help you.
2 Hearts
I spent a long time where you are now. I know the pain, the cycles of self-hatred and substance abuse, the suicidal ideation. It’s lonely and scary. But I am living proof that it is possible to heal. The only way out is through. I won’t lie to you and say it’s all flowers and sunshine because healing hurts and it isn’t the east way, but it feels better than the downward spiral. And healing is not linear; there are ups and downs, good days and bad, good weeks and bad. You can’t really put it on a timeline because everyone’s healing journey is different.
Staying here for the people who love you is very kind; you obviously know the repercussions of unaliving oneself. It was the reason I couldn’t do it to my family and loved ones. Staying here for them is a great start, but I hope that somewhere along the way you can realize that the person you need to stay for is YOU. Because you are valid. You matter. You are enough. I know it’s impossible for you to believe it right now, but it’s true. You’ve already made the decision to live, regardless of how painful it is; now you must take steps to make the living less painful. The most important piece is learning to love yourself enough to keep living and keep trying. But you can’t just wake up one day and love yourself; it’s going to take some effort on your part. Step 1 is simply accepting yourself. You don’t have to love or even like yourself right away. Just accept you. Every part of you. The dark, the light, all of you.
I urge you to seek out a support group. Having the support of people who are going through what you are makes it a little less lonely and a little less scary. You won’t scare them with your big feelings because they have also felt them. If you can’t physically meet up there a groups that have Zoom meetings. I would also recommend checking out NA meetings for additional support (also can be down through zoom if you don’t have any near you). You will be in my thoughts 
Below are some resources:
https://www.bethedifferencescv.org/suicide-prevention-support.php
3 Hearts
Thank you for reaching out and sharing. I’m sorry for your loss. I hate the idea of leaving the ones I love feeling that way… I suffer, miserably, silently and beyond, to where no words can really express, with same sex attraction. I simply cannot stand it! I feel as though I have a lifetime sentence caged up, invisible to the souls I find myself attracted to, separate from everyone and unable to live a normal life. It’s utterly lonely. I feel so sick of it and the feelings of dread are so deep that my head hurts and I wonder if it’s going to cause a brain tumour or aneurism.
This means a lot to me. Thank you.
1 Heart
I have been where you are and even the bright sun seemed dark. The anguish was unrelenting and the worst almost happened. I was saved by a loved one and the way out for me was to get out. I changed jobs and location. I had to remake myself a little at a time. It was not easy but the more I changed my habits the better life was. Still not 100 percent happy but who is. Make a plan and act on it. Go find yourself and then become the new you a little at a time. This worked for me and hopefully you find something useful in these words. You can feel better and you can find joy.
2 Hearts
I am very unhappy also but I don’t have anyone, I could die & no one would find my dead body for months that’s ok but my concern is my pets, if I had someone there to help & care for me that would be so special but I don’t so think yourself lucky to have someone there who cares as I DONT
2 Hearts
You/re in my thoughts too. Reach our anytime. I have a grown son, so suicide is ot an option for me. I just couldn’t do that to my son, leave him to pick up the pieces and wonder the rest of his life why his mom chose to do that. Chin up, girl. And know you have lots of company occasionally thinking the same thoughts. Reach out anytime. I’ve a BA in child development and know about trauma. Not much but an ear to listen. Sending love and light, Susan
Hey, Reach out anytime. My father sent me inappropriate texts while i was in the guest house resting and recovering from taking care of my mother in ten hour shifts, she had dementia. The day I left she was fine, but I got a text from my father that she died the night I left. Personally, i thing my father smothered her but I can’t prove it. My father sent those incestuous texts and I faced him over the dinner table until the next day when I snapped out of my shock and snuck away. I’m pretty much over it – he was my step father since i was two years old. I think he just never bonded with me though I trauma bonded with him through his physical abuse my whole childhood. I’ve forgiven his because the anger inside was killing me. Hang in there. It gets better but slowly. I care about you, as do others on this forum.
1 Heart
You don’t know what you’re supposed to have in life so why do you feel what you have/don’t have etc, are not supposed to be part of your life?. The same goes for everyone else.
We are not born with a handbook and so everything you think you should have, want and don’t want, are all imposed/influenced by external sources (other people and culture).
Your state of unhappiness is 100% created by you, in your mind and in your mind only. The same goes for everyone else.
In addition, you are the only person who can stop feeling as you do and you have all the tools you need to be able to do that, if you really want to.
There are many things that a person can create in their mind that results in a state of unhappiness, so giving you advice is not helpful at this time. I think I know of a couple of things that you are probably doing to yourself already, but if you really want to change your state of mind, you absolutely can and I am willing to help you.
But you must want to change before any change can take place.
2 Hearts
There is no truly good and bad in life for humans.
For everything that happens or we do ourselves, something good or bad can result from it and then the subsequent things that happen from those things, and then on and on until we are no longer living.
There is often more than one good and bad consequence at a time too.
Example 1: You inherit/win lots of money.
Good - you can buy whatever you want, go where you want, stop working, give some to other people to help them, pay off debts, etc.
Bad - other people will probably want some of your money. Other people might try to steal some of it or steal what you bought. Your new car might get scratched or stolen, or you worry about that happening. A new car can attract attention. Undesirable attention can cause anxiety, worry, fear, conflict.
If you give some of the money to others, perhaps one or more them might question why they didn’t get more. Some people might begin to resent you for having money. One or more of these people might come back later to ask for more - what will you do?
If you move to a nicer home, you might worry about burglary, so you need to buy insurance, get alarms, security, fencing, monitoring. When you have money, you might find that you need to, limit/shorten what you say or write to some or most people, as you won’t know what they might do with what they hear. Money can trap you rather than freeing you, as most people would think it does.
Example 2: By some method, you become famous.
Good - you are liked, you get invited to stuff, offered money making opportunities, you get lots of attention, lots of opportunities to meet people, which can lead to lovers or a spouse.
Bad - You soon find you can’t live wherever you want, with any neighbours, go to any store or place, or just walk or drive around wherever you want to go. You’ve lost anonymity. You can become trapped by your popularity/fame and you can only socialise with similar people or those in the same state as you are in. You might have to wear disguises to go out. You might find obsessive fans stalk you and/or bombard you with letters, emails, etc. You might have to live with tall gates, fencing around your house and alarms, security, etc.
But bad possibilities can lead to good effects/outcomes, such as meeting people that you would not have met had the bad consequence not happened (think of a car crash and the person in the other car, or if you end up in hospital and the other patients in the ward with you, or nurses, doctors, therapists).
One or more of those people might turn out to be helpful, valuable to you, or they become a friend, or they become a lover or spouse, or they introduce you to other people or to books/knowledge/experiences, again, things that you would not probably have had otherwise.
Those good things can then bring about both good and bad effects, all over again. It’s like a fractal pattern, with both good and bad things branching off from every occurrence, action, event, choice in your life, in a never ending sequence.
The way I think of this is that something unplanned/unexpected diverts you slightly onto a different path and so you see things you probably would not have seen. Like a bus journey that has to divert because of some road works or other reason, or a plane gets diverted to a different airport. The only issue is being able to accept these changes and not to become irked or scared because it wasn’t what you wanted.
The issue for 95%+ of people is they never see that this is going on, all the time, and they usually only respond to the initial good or bad thing.
1 Heart
@1122845Trosenthal Sometimes the pain inside must be acknowledged and unpacked with the help of therapy before it can be healed, maybe not ever completely, but healing is a journey, not a destination. We are so glad you are here and getting the support you deserve. -SG
Welcome to the site and thank you for this insightful and lovely support, we could not agree more that until we want to change and truly commit to changing nothing will ever change or stick. -SG
Welcome Susan, thank you so much for your excellent support, your trauma due to your step father is atrocious, we are beyond sad you had to go through this again while caring for your mother through her last days. We are very glad you are here. -SG
My cousin took his life last year and I am not sure his family will ever truly heal. He left a major hole in their hearts.