I’m not quite sure what to do. (This will be quite long so, apologies in advance)
For starters, I’ve recently considered getting an autism diagnosis, I feel it will provide me with resources to better understand myself and navigate the new chapters of my life going forward. I’m not sure if this was the right move, but I asked my closest friend (going on 11-ish years) if they thought I was autistic, their response was kind of expected: not sure how to answer. I feel like this situation has created a divide somehow, not because they didn’t answer, but because I think they don’t actually think I am.
Anytime I bring up how I, or my family members, think I am autistic they avoid the conversation, or even in some cases tell me they don’t like my family members. Now, I somewhat understand where they are coming from (typically people don’t call others autistic in a kind way), but it also hurts. Both because I slightly feel like they’re disregarding my reasonings and because…well…its my family and no matter how terrible they may be at times, they’re still family.
As for why I want so much validation: doesn’t everyone? I want someone to connect with. Someone to tell me I’m alright. I guess you could call it imposter syndrome, even I don’t quite believe myself.
To slightly shift topics, this friend also believes they are autistic, and I would say they may be right in their assumption (not in any negative way, just because we both share difficulties that those in the ASD community experience). This only makes me hurt more because, while I do believe them, they don’t seem believe me. Even though we came to our conclusions in the similar ways (through others pointing it out to us, as well as personal research), they seem distant because of this (or at least I think it’s because of this), and maybe even unwilling to hang out with me (I’m not quite sure, but they keep trying to convince me that they actually like me, even though I never questioned if they did).
Instead of seeing me as a friend I feel they, along with my other friends, just see some guy they hangout with once a week. I never hear of any hangouts they plan, no walks in the park like we used to, no mall window shopping (even though I absolutely hate the mall, I am willing to go just for all of them), nothing. I see them post photos of their “weekend together” plans and can’t help but feel I am not even thought of.
Maybe it’s selfish of me. Maybe I should have done more to keep the wheels turning. Maybe I should have pushed myself more. Maybe…I should just let them go…its not like I need them right? It’s not like I haven’t made friends in 6 years, while they’ve all found new people. It’s not like I’m afraid of how everyone around me has grown and changed, yet I am still the same as I was in elementary school.
A part of me doesn’t want to tell them, I want them all to be happy and be better. I feel like an outcast among them, kept in a bubble of nostalgia. Why keep they one unmatched sock when you can buy a new pair, right? But another part of me doesn’t want to let them go. They’re the only people I’ve known, how can I let them go?