I dont know anymore. i always feel numb and when i smile i g

i dont know anymore. i always feel numb and when i smile i get mad at myself because i feel like i dont deserve to be happy. im going into therapy but even telling my parents i need help has been so stressful. i cant even count all of my problems and i just want to run away. my parents say that they udnerstand and support me, but they always yell and shout and scream at me and tell me, "do better", and "do you know how much sh!t we do for you in this house?", and "get a life", and "fxcking lazy". i know they still support and love me, but sometimes they dont realize how much the things they say can affect me. the other day, my mom asked me if i was embarrassed to be around my sibling, calling them a sl*t when they wore what they wanted. i can't deal with this anymore. i dont know what im feeling and i dont know how to get better. therapy just causes more anxiety and makes me hate myself even more. i c*t myself every night and i hate it. but i feel as if i need more, more scars, more pain. i'm just a kid. i hate this. i want to run away. i barely have any lifelines left. i hate it when people worry about me because i feel like i'm a burden. it would be better if i just went away. i'm having trouble just counting all my problems. the people around me try to understand, but when i vent to them or tell them i need help they just go away. this is so frustrating. i want help, but i can't keep living like this anymore. school is starting and it's about to make it worse. i always set high expectations for myself and the workload is piling up. now the only thing i do is stay in my room listening to music and browsing the internet. i just.. i really dont know what im doing with myself or my life. but i cant keep using the excuse, "i'm just a kid". everyone else seems to have figured themselves out, while im just here, a mere seventh grader, still trying to get my sh!t together so i can live a happy childhood. if i even deserve it, that is.

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I use to cut. For me it was an attempt to relieve extreme emotional pain.
There are better ways. When things get overwhelming now I write letters. Nobody has to see them. You can write them to yourself or someone who has hurt you, or a friend. Since you aren't giving the letters to anyone you can say anything you want. It gives you relief.
At your age you are going through many changes. Stuck between being a child and growing towards being an adult. You have hormones which play a role in those changes. They cause chaos. Nobody really understands it but we all live through it.
There are things to help you cope, therapy, medications, just having a friend to talk to can help alot. Your family probably loves you very much but they might not know what to do.
From what you have said you seem to be searching for your purpose in life. That's pretty profound for a seventh grader.
Maybe you could help dogs or cats at a shelter. Or get one of your own. They help with anxiety.
Please call the hotline at the top of the screen.

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@Inmylittlerroom thank you for the advice! this really helped.

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So glad to see you back! -SG