I don't know if I'm really transgender but there's no other

I don't know if I'm really transgender but there's no other group where I can seek help or advice on this so I'm sorry if I offend anybody by assuming the wrong things, I don't wanna do that, I just want to calm my mind I hope that's okay.

I was born a girl and since I was very little, I very distinctly remember being completely out of the norm when it comes to my gender. I've always been a tomboy and was more boyish and never really liked spending time with girls until I was much older and more comfortable and I loved sports football (soccer) mainly and I always wore all the clothes my brother outgrew (it wasn't really my choice since we were poor but I still would much rather have worn a loose shirt with Spider-man on it than a dress or a blouse, this is still the case) and I actually got bullied a lot for being this weird sort of girl. Boys all around the school called me "penis-girl" to indicate I look like a girl and have long hair like a girl but am actually a boy.

Just like most women, I thought I'd be better off as a boy, and for a while, it was just that, just me thinking I wouldn't get bullied if I were a boy but then it progressed to me actually wanting to be a boy. There was a programme on TV once about transgender people and I watched that in complete awe because these girls got to be what I wanted to be. For a while I'd set it straight for when I grow up that I would go through the whole phase, HRT as well as SRS.

This need for change faded away when I reached puberty because I just connected it to my BDD and thought I was just uncomfortable in the body I came in and wanted to change it. Of course this IS true but the need to change has started to resurface about a year back just a bit differently.

I'd surpressed it as much as I could because I didn't want to think like that anymore simply because I knew I'd never get accepted as anything other than Biblical norms so I shoved the thoughts away even though it was gnawing at me every day.

A few months ago, around September, was when it got bad. I was on soke level convinced that I was s gay man trapped in a woman's body and that that needed to be changed, it needed to be fixed. It went on for a few weeks of me quite vividly imagining and at one point oddly feeling a penis on me even though I don't have one. And then it just vanished one day. I woke up and I didn't feel like that anymore but it was in the back of my mind still.

So then I went on a couple more weeks, feeling unusually comfortable as a girl before it struck again, not as hard as back in September but it was incredibly confusing that my mind jumped like that.

I'd told an online friend about it and she'd suggested that maybe I was genderfluid. I didn't know what that was at the time so I researched and things started falling into place, it started to make sense to me, I started believing that maybe that was the solution. I don't know if it is yet because I don't know what I am.

I asked this question on another site as well where I just ridiculed and made fun of and people said that there's no such thing as gendrefludity and that was most of the responses but one of them just confused me more because they said I'm a "transgender FTM" and I researched that was well and things AGAIN fell into place. It felt right to look in the mirror and say I'm transgender but it also felt right to say I'm genderfluid and right now I'm crying, absolutely confused out of my bloody mind and I don't know what to think. I don't evem know who I am anymore.

If you can help me/give advice, then go ahead but if you want to make fun of me as well then please don't, I can't have that again. If I offended you by assuming wrong and thinking I could just be whatever I wanted, I'm sorry it wasn't my attention.

Thanks in advance I guess and I'm sorry this was all so unneccessarily long.

2 Hearts

I think you are still discovering who you are and it comes down to you, not how others view you, but how you view yourself. You can dress how you want or look more seriously into transition, but you have to find what you want and who you are. I think you are really on a journey to figuring this all out, so glad you are here.

2 Hearts

Hey, I am so happy that you found the strength to reach out for support. I understand how difficult it is because I have very similar thoughts, feelings and frustrations. In fact, only last night, for the first time in my life, learn about queergenderism, where genderfluidity is a category within it. And yes, it is very much a real thing. You are not alone. I am not alone. This is probably new to both of us. I hope I'm not too late in reaching out to you. I want to tell you, there is no right or wrong. Gender does not have to be one or the other. It is actually more than OK that we have both within us. Read about "two-spirited" people in the native culture. It might give a sigh of relief. Also, please feel free to reach out to me if you need. You are more than OK. You are you, you are unique and that is amazing.

2 Hearts

@keep.summer.safe thank you for this, it was really nice of you to try and help but it having been now almost two months since that post, I’ve figured out that I am, in fact, transgender and have probably always been, I just didn’t know dysphoria was a thing and I was afraid of admitting something so huge. Also, I didn’t know that trans people could be gay. As in, I didn’t know that if I was attracted to men now, that I could still be attracted to them post-transition. Again, thank you for reaching out and trying to help but I’ve figured myself out in the past month or so and I don’t remember ever feeling quite this happy before so that’s definitely another plus. Ehm, I wish I could somehow help you back but maybe we’re headed in different directions, i.e. I’ve figured out I’m trans whereas you may not and I don’t wanna force my opinion on you or try and “make you see the light” in the sense of tryig to help you transition yourself. Thanks again and have a lovely day/night.