I found out my husband was cheating on me a few weeks ago. I

I found out my husband was cheating on me a few weeks ago. I’ve been out from work for almost 3 weeks now. I can’t function. I am really struggling with the depression. I have no motivation to do anything. My husband is remorseful. He was meeting up with married men and masturbating and watching porn. That’s how he was able to justify his behavior because he wasn’t actually having sex. I don’t know if I believe that or not, but his behaviors show he is remorseful. Initially, he was upset because he was caught, but there has been such a shift in empathy that I think I want to believe him. I really do. I love him more than anything. I keep telling him the pain is great because the love is great.

I can’t stop crying though. I want to go back to work, I don’t think it is healthy for me to stay home, but I’m also terrified he will go back to his old habits once the wound has started to heal.

I don’t trust him. He has manipulated me so much that I don’t know what’s true or not. I am so confused. I am so angry. I feel so alone. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone because people can be so judgmental of cheaters and I don’t want anyone to think of him differently. Even if. I did talk to someone about it, I don’t think I could share the whole truth because he was spending time with married men. I know and accept his bisexuality but others may not.

I just feel so incredibly alone. We have a marriage counselor, he is seeing an individual counselor, I know I need to see a professional as well, but I can’t afford it. I am a social worker and have worked as a mental health clinician, I know everything I need to do but I can’t f***ing do it.

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to not feel like sh*t about myself. I feel so terrible. I feel like someone who loves you couldn’t/shouldn’t be capable of this. How can someone love you and hurt you like this. How can I ever trust him again. How will I ever feel good about myself again. How do I learn to feel like I have value again? I am so humiliated. I am so humiliated. I am so humiliated. When is this going to feel less painful. I don’t want this pain. I don’t deserve this pain.
Someone please tell me how to get better, I am so lost.

1 Heart

Welcome to the site. I have so much to say and don't know where to start. I was on here A LOT when dday hit. I was so so angry. About the injustice, I felt personally attacked by someone I didn't know and someone I thought I had my back. I did a lot of research on affairs, I journaled I got a punching bag because I had to hit something. It is a trauma and your mind NEVER shuts down. But my husband was there by my side taking all the hurt and anger I had. No it wasn't easy and I wouldn't wish this upon anyone (except my husband's AP) yes I don't wish anything good upon her but I really don't think about her much these days.

1 Heart

@Kas1966 thank you for your love and support. It helps to know you’ve been able to get through it. I’m pretty sure my husband and I will get through it, at least I really hope we do. He’s been demonstrating his remorse and has done everything I’ve asked of him, and then some.

I just wish the pain would go away. Today it’s more than I can bear.

My husband cheated in his ways also. And I will never know if he actually had sex. But he used the same excuse it wasn’t cheating because it wasn’t actually sex. And that’s not true. It is cheating. You have been out through a world of hurt and you will have to heal in your own time. No one can tell you it has to be tomorrow or the next day. It could be years and nothing wrong with that. You have a lot to deal with. Love is a crazy thing. We want the best for everyone because we care. Have you thought of therapy for the both of you or individual to help you deal with your trauma? It may help some. I never got past not trusting him. My ex had patterns and was very manipulative also. Give yourself all the time you need. You have the right

@Tropicalstorm we are doing marriage counseling. And I’ve asked my husband to do individual counseling. I was handling things better than I thought I would at first. Now, not so much. I have reached out to my trauma specialist and I am waiting for her to call me back.

I am struggling most of the intrusive thoughts. It has started journaling, but the pain I feel right now is so exhausting. When I do journal, it usually takes a significant emotional toll on me because I realize so much more. I just can’t wear any more pain now.

Oh my! I feel for you so much! Honestly do
Please believe me you are not alone in feeling this pain.. I am one year in to this dreadful pain and humiliation.. The best advice I was given on this group was not to make any big decisions in the early days.
Yes I am still riding this emotional rollercoaster and they are still bad days but there are good days too.. please keep talking And venting it does help! It doesn’t matter who or what sex cheating is cheating.. but I think it was the lies that hurt me the most.. even though you’re hurt you do sound like you are understanding too
I found it hard and embarrassing to talk to family but I had some really good friends it’s true what they say when times are tough you find out who your real friends are.
Please lean on them and talk to us on this wonderful group any time.

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@KatieCrunch I just had a whole message typed out and the internet froze.

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My wife cheated on me for 8 months. I found out about it in April so it’s still fresh. It was during Covid and I was working at home. She was a homemaker so did not work and it drove her crazy that I was home everyday. She did not like that I started participating in tasks for the kids like making their lunches, getting them off the bus, etc and on calls all day in the house. It affected our relationship because she did not communIcate her frustration and a tension between us built up. This affected our emotional and sexual relationship. As the others mentioned I believe she looked for that emotional support elsewhere which ended up being another man. So I know how you feel. But you can’t beat yourself up about it because I know I was living my life the best I could and supporting my family, and it was she who had the issue and didn’t try to fix it by working on our marriage or try to resolve it. She is very anti-therapy which is part of it. But at the end of the day she did something very unethical and selfish that ruined our family and it’s because of her, not me or you

3 Hearts

@kxg3146 I’m glad you recognize you were being your best self and did nothing wrong. Thank you for your love and support.

I understand the humiliation, the hurt and the anger. Thinking of you.

1 Heart

Hey it’s been a long time but how you doing?

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