I have a problem: I can't stop not helping or auto fixing everything. It's a bad habit. Something is dirty? I clean it up. If someone is near, I ask all the right questions to find whars challenging them and support them with it. At this point Im not doing it to be a good person, or make friends, or get anything in return. I'm just doing it because it's there and thats my role. I dont know how to operate any other way. I hate myself for it. Yea it comes from childhood trauma, parentified child of mother with narcissism bla bla bla textbook. I cant stop. Who cares if I know why Im doing it? The fact is Im doing it on autopilot. I have no identity outside this.
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Look for new things to try out to see if you will like it. You need to start somewhere, right? So for example, if you have never planted flowers or any kind of plants then that's something new to get you busy and thinking about new things. If you have never joined a group of some kind, you could look into that. Maybe learning some kind of sewing even if it's something very basic, cooking or baking, buying and selling something, working in a vet office or volunteering there or somewhere else.
I believe you can retrain your brain at least make a huge difference. Start thinking about doing different things warm up to the idea.
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@Fohb460 Those are great suggestions, Ive been doing a lot of new things and it does help. But I still struggle with not making all conversations about other people, and constantly caretaking. To the point that I dont know how to interact with people. I dont know where the balance is.
Blueberries Maybe you are just a giving, caring person. I don't feel happy, fulfilled or even whole if I'm not helping someone with something. I have a need to be needed.
There's nothing wrong with that. I know I'm a good person and why shouldn't I help others if I have the ability? It's not exclusively who I am but it's a part of me. You should accept who you are and look for a profession that would fulfill your need to help others.
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@mmadlecl If it’s a part of who you are and you love it I think that’s wonderful that you enjoy helping others. I don’t know if my post communicated this very well, but it isn’t that I have trouble accepting this part of myself, but that it’s something I do as a result of childhood trauma and I can’t stop. It’s distressing to me, becajse I can’t just be happy and interact with people like normally. I just automatically take care of them because it’s what growing up with a narcissistic parent sort of trained me to be. I dont want to be in a helping profession, that’s the opposite of what I need, I don’t want to help anyone. I have been doing this my whole life since before I was 7 years old and cant stop. It’s hard to explain. I was already in a helping profession because of the pressure to “be a good person” and a need to help and fix and otherwise feel useless and not good enough, I constantly listen to people’s problems and support them in my last job. Or I try to make whoever Im talking to feel heard, and try to be what others need. I dont know how to watch and do nothing. or have normal conversations that are deeper intimacy that isnt based on trauma or being their therapist. I have no connection with people, I am just trying to figure out what they need and I am invisible. It’s like no one SEES ME.
That's a lot to deal with as well! It's tough for me to relate more thoroughly to this kind of thing because most of my "autopilot" behaviors are vastly different from what you experience. Granted, I think helping is always a good thing, but the fact that you seem to feel "it controls you" and not "you control it" makes me understand more how you feel that it is your identity. However, don't discount the other, more subtle parts that also make up who you are. You seem to have an easily approachable demeanor that is very disarming. I think even that could be considered a very significant part of one's identity.
I know you're not asking for advice, but perhaps something you could do to not FEEL as much on autopilot is to either journal all the good things you do and/or force yourself to consciously acknowledge what you are doing and why you are doing it before every time you have an autopilot type of behavior. Sure, it's harder than it sounds because for you they are on "autopilot." But I think just taking a tiny bit of "pause time" before each activity/behavior to just acknowledge it in your head, not only may make you feel better about what you are doing, but make it less automatic and more purposeful as well.
I really hope it helps and that I've understood the full (or mostly full) context of this post.
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@jonthecomposer Thats so kind of you to say, I appreciate you saying that I can be ‘disarming’, it’s always nice to hear how others perceive you, well if it’s nice lol It’s good to see this post, because now Im reflecting on today and I can say I made some progress. But I just did my autopilot thing with someone who asked me for a looney. I actually didnt reply to them, for once in my life I did not just say yes to someyhing I wanted to say No to. I ended up telling them the bank will give them loonies though hahaha So I did my autopilot thing, but at least I did maintain some sort of boundaries. Thank you for your helpful suggestions, advice is always appreciated by me. Again my autopilot is to always give advice. thats why I really struggle NOT to tell peoppe what to do. I always had to do that as a kid for my mother (give her advice, suggestions, take care of her emotions, guess what she needs because she will use passive aggressive ness to punish me, or have tantrums so my anxiety was linked to alleviating her anxiety). It’s all related to trauma conditioning, so thank you for your patience as well. Funny how we all tend to over explain. hmm gee I wonder why… 
i'm sorry you are feeling all of this and it does sounds extremely difficult. Does it feel like you are disassociating to a degree when you are on autopilot?
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@JayBlack now THAT is an interesting question… do you think, being on auto pilot is a form of dissociation? I think sometimes, yes. Like working in mental health, I used to be in “put out the fire mode” when some client was angry. So I was half shut down in my responses. I was in a highly anxious mode and just in “fix it” mode. I used to dissociate with some people yes, esp thise who I felt could behave with anger directed at me for not being able to make them feel better or say or do the right thing. I think I do come onto this site and often support people, both as a way to dissociate from myself AND while in a dissociated state. so it’s a kind of self soothing, to avoid my own emotions as a coping tool, but also it serves to keep me in a triggered state yeah. geez. my mind is blocking me from thinking more deeply about it.
@CKBlossom omg you sound like you are holding it all together with great skill somehow… that’s amazing you can do that, and Im happy you habe extended family who is able to offer you equal or reciprocated effort… so important!! Such an important contrast to have. But yea it’s exhausting, reading people’s emotions, and the hyper vigilance of reading the emotions of everyone in the room. I think it’s very common if you’ve experienced parental neglect or emotional abuse to become highly intuitive. Regarding your sister. it sounds to me like she is in a triggered state and needing that “parent” in her life, maybe you guys had emotionally absent parents to some extent. But ywah, I think NOT smoothing things over, but allowing the discomfort to hang there, may be what you BOTH actually need. She, to be able to fully feel her emotions without someone fixing it. She probably has a lot of anger, and she needs to feel it completely… and for you, to not people please as a trauma response. If I have understood your situation correctly. But the thing is, practicing doing nothing is a really goos thing, and Im getting better at it. But it also serves to help your sister, because sometimes we give people a fix to their situation, but the actual “thorn” is still inside them. It’s like giving someone a tylenol when they have a brain tumor for their headache. Bad metaphor but yea. I think allowing slmeone to fully experience the depth of their anger can be helpful, and then still being thwre for them at the end of the tunnel—but not letting them injure you either, that’s super healing and can help model healthy boundaries and secure attachment love. Funny you mention siblings. You situation is helping me put someyhing together about my sister and I too. Thank you for sharing your situation.