I have psychological issues that play into all of this. 1

I have psychological issues that play into all of this.
1.) self love or self loathing? Which ever one is in control.. decides whether I binge and consume endless amounts of cookies and ice cream.
2.) the wrong messages like binge eating is good and undereating means I have an eating disorder.
I thought that if I was under eating I had an eating disorder and that’s not true.
I was praised for binging as a kid because I had been an under eater up until 11. And that confused me.
I binged after that because I was subconsciously looking for the feeling I got when I was praised at 11 for binging the first time.
It never worked.
I just felt sick. But I didn’t realize this was what I was doing.
Eventually I was addicted to the food and I thought I was binge eating because I liked the food. And I thought I was binge eating because of the specific food that created this urge.
But I think the main reason was always because I was looking for the feeling I got when I was praised. Because the food did not make me feel good.
And if I was self-loathing, I would deliberately do it to “Punish” myself because I thought I deserved to feel bad. Like being punished by the parents because I was bad. (Some withhold the food for same reason) I did that too.
Or I would do it because it numbed me all together because I didn’t want to feel anything at all.
So the binge eating seed was planted at 11 and became a problem around 15. But didn’t manifest any outward sign until 27
And if I wasn’t overweight , I wouldn’t need to undereat. I have to undereat to get into a calorie deficit and burn extra fat I don’t need.
So what is healthy? In the middle!

I am thinking about this because there was a major shift in my self love to self loath when I moved here.
I started to internalize the self loathing my Narcissist sister has for herself and for me. Angry that I made the choice I did. Shame spiral and self destructive behavior began.
I want it to stop! :-((

I was an under water before 11 because I didn’t have an appetite. Even after binging that first time I thought food was gross. I didn’t like eating.. and maybe if I had been forced to eat things I could have become Anorexic. But my Mother never did that because it was done to her. I’m not sure what exactly.. I know her step father made her eat her whole plate of food at dinner but that’s it. I know she thought she was fat when she wasn’t and always dieted.
She didn’t want me to be like her and I wasn’t.. but now.. I don’t know. Maybe I am and maybe I need to figure it out. Because while I might have been doing good for 6 months.. life gets stressful and I need deep seated habits. Deeply ingrained into my life so nothing can shake it.

You have needing food for survival and then you have abusing food just like any other drug.
We need water for life and we can drown in it too!

1 Heart

I think it is best to look at food as fuel, not in terms of good food or bad food, treats, etc. Figure out what fuels you, what portions fill you without making you sick, eat food that excites you and even makes you moan because it is so good. I like to eat and I try not to fall into the thinking of, this food is a treat, if I want I allow myself some, if I am not hungry but still want something I make some tea. I have learned what is a good portion, I enjoy all sorts of food. I have seen eating disorders in my family and how some family still is passing this disordered view on to the next generation, it makes me sad.

1 Heart

@CKBlossom yeah… I like food as fuel. I will remember that.

Lolly. I try to think of balance and being healthy. I’ve had body dysmorphic disorder, bulimia (compulsive exercise and diet), and am 30 pounds over my best weight right now. I don’t look bad…I feel kind of thin/limber but I know I need to be thinner and healthier. I think I’m a “food is comfort” person; chocoholic
Sooooo it is always good to have the insight that you have as to your family and your Mom’s food issues, your whole family dynamic, and your own feelings about food. That’s a start
I try to be basic. Not like strict vegetarian or keto or anything. Try to eat grains for breakfast, medium protein lunch, smallish (?) dinner, fat free yogurt or low fat pudding every day plus 10-12 Hershey’s kisses!!! Obviously like if I have carbs… I try to be low fat carbs whereas my younger daughter loves to make pasta with heavy cream etc!!! Aaarrghh. I would not choose this! If I have baked potato, I have it with low fat margarine (she’ll use butter!) no salt, pepper, maybe a dollop of low fat sour cream! My other daughter loved bacon/another unhealthy food which you can have in moderation
I had a fitness trainer back in my bulimic phase who had me in best shape of my life; 1 hour on treadmill every day (twice a day sometimes) and 70 grams of protein a day!!crazy, couldn’t do it, and then work out upper body, lower body, then whole body 1x week each with pretty heavy weights/almost to muscle failure so I could build muscle as your body burns fat to maintain muscle. I watch the fat content of foods I eat even now and try to be very low fat—20-25 grams a day(?) which is below guidelines
Go online to a height and weight chart; ask your doc opinion on your weight as well as cholesterol, blood pressure etc and then go from there Read labels on foods also Like people have salad but load it up with high calorie, high fat salad dressing which ruins benefit of the salad lol
Balance. Balance. Balance.
Hope this helps Don’t stress. Don’t beat yourself up

1 Heart

@NCMom I know . It can get crazy … I left and went camping… I am currently at a park … feel much better.

Dont eat the cookies. I ate the cookies and ice cream and gained 60lbs and had to figure out to lose it!

2 Hearts

@Erikaudall999 right. The problem I have with those foods is because they are calorie dense … it is hard not to gain weight. One sitting will go over 1,000 calories without binging… and if it is a binge?!? Scary!
So … I focus on these high fiber foods as the filler… then I eat around it and I can’t eat much more. A potato… and then I’m too full for anything else. That works best for me… if you were someone who isn’t used to eating fiber, then you don’t wanna eat much at first. One small serving for a week and then add a little bit more and so on. When your body gets used to it, you can eat a huge amount of vegetables and you’ll be full but you’re not really bloated. It goes through you very fast. And it keeps you from being able to eat a lot of high fat foods. You may eat a little bit, but not a lot.

Yesterday while I was at the park, I steamed potato carrot and brussels sprouts. Organic. Always organic ‘ it taste better. And it was so delicious. First time for the Brussels sprouts. And they weren’t organic either. I can’t wait to try that organic.

I would suggest trying this for weight loss and just overall health.
My opinion is that veggies are good because of the low fat and low calorie… keeps your blood clean.
High fat food thickens the blood …