I just found out a week ago, that my husband had slept with another women. Someone we knew, someone I had questioned about previously. I warned him that she was developing feelings for him beyond friendship. And it turns out I was right! There were messages between them both declaring their love for each other. Then there is was the message that tore my heart apart, sex was great last night (according to the other women). Then I discovered messages from another women back in April, then that stopped and he never replied. He can’t answer my questions “how, why, how long was it, was it better than me etc” I can see in his face he is remorseful. What is surprising me most, is I can’t stand to be away from him and it’s like I have fell in love with him all over again! Obviously I am having bad days, and those days I can’t stop thinking about what went on and that really messes with my head. I am not throwing away 17 years, he suffers from anxiety and I think there is a possibility he may have depression as I did also see some messages about suicidal thoughts. This is not an excuse but helps me try and understand a reason. We are so very close (well so I thought) he is my best friend and we are both hurting.
I’m so sorry I don’t know what to say!
It’s a similar story to mine! 17 years and my best friend and then I found emails booking an Escort! Don’t know which is worse an affair with feelings or paying for sex!
This group has been great for me it’s been 2 1/2 weeks since I found out and lost my mind!
I can only say take one day at a time! I’m still riding this rollercoaster of the most horrendous emotions! We have started counselling! And he’s desperately sorry.. but it’s me and my decision do I throw it all away because I don’t think I’ll ever get over this?!? Think about counselling.. and there’s a lady on here called Kaz and she sent an amazing piece to read for ya cheating spouse! I’m sure she will send you the same thing!
Please keep talking on here it does help!
Take care and we do care for you and your situation. x
@KatieCrunch many thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your story to. I wrote him a letter as I thought that might help him understand how much it hurts and what questions run through my head every minute. He said he made him feel worse than he is already feeling and burned it. He actually has an appointment with the Dr’s, I think once he has a few sessions about his mental health then I’m hoping I will get more answers. X
I’m sorry you find yourself in this place. We all understand the devastation you are currently going through. This is an excellent article to give your husband to read so he starts to understand the trauma his choices have inflicted on you. https://www.emotionalaffair.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Understanding-Your-Betrayed-Spouse.pdf
There are also excellent videos available on YouTube from the affair recovery video blog series that cover many of the struggles that come up post infidelity discovery. I encourage both you and your husband to take a look. Glad to hear he is in counselling. That’s what really helped my husband understand the deeper issues behind his choices and how to change how he responds to challenging emotions and situations in life.
@devastatedinptbo thank you for those, I will take a look. I do truly believe he does love me, and that he was in a dark place at the time. Thank you all so much for taking the time to write back to me xx
It isn't unusual for your feelings to be confusing. After learning of my husband's affairs I felt both completely disconnected to him and then oddly attracted to him at the same time. I think to some degree there was a desperation in saving our family. "Hysterical bonding" often happens after finding out about infidelity and then the intimacy of trying to work it out. Often, this is the first emotional intimacy spouses have had in a long time. One caution I would give is trying to compare them to yourself. There is no comparison and they don't tend to be helpful. And, the infidelity has 100% to do with him and 0% to do with you.
Sorry you had to join the club. My marriage is 15 years and we are heading for divorce. Right after I found out I went on a road trip to figure out the least painful way for my kids to go through there parents getting divorced. I came back determined to save my marriage. I really thought it was possible. She said she ended it and had cut all contact with him. She agreed to go to couples counseling. We seemed to be doing better. Then 2 and a half months after d-day I found out it was all a lie. She had never ended it. She was still seeing him. That was when divorce became the only option. But there is still a big part of me that wants to save the marriage. Despite all the lies and betrayals I have gone through it is still there. I was even on here last week posting that maybe I should try 1 more time. My point is wanting to be with him is normal. Take your time and figure out what is best for you. You are going to change your mind a thousand times and that is okay. Breathe and know you can get through this. We have all gone through this. The circumstances might be different but the pain is the same. Just know you have come to a good place.
I am so sorry to hear your story. Thank you for taking the time to read mine and replying. I cannot imagine (at the moment) a life without him. My love just doesn’t stop because he made a huge mistake. It’s such an emotional rollercoaster! This group is really helping me xx
@Piglet4147 Hey dear.. I feel you as well.. I can empathize. I feel incredibly drawn to my husband too.. We have a deep connection that I sometimes wonder is the "Twin Flame" I hear so much about. I am 7 months out of this recent DDay. It's a real rollercoaster. What has helped me was doing a relationship inventory to really help me look at the relationship objectively. It asks for you to list any good or bad qualities in your spouse, to write 5 good things or special times, but then also 5 terrible times or situations, the good that comes from being with them, but also the bad things in your life. It also has you look at any of the things that you may have contributed negatively to the relationship, not to take ownership for their bad behaviour, but to look at any ways you can improve yourself and take accountability. What I did notice is that there were a lot of areas he wasn't measuring up to my needs and therefore I had negatively contributed some bad things to the marriage and pulled back. It will never justify what he did, EVER. But it has allowed me to separate myself from this bad version of him and realize he no longer aligns with my values.
@Jayabroad thank you for your reply, it hurts so much! He is my best friend. Struggling today xx
Got a email for this website to say it was updating so it brought me back here!
2years and 3mths from my D Day and still together doing ok but still have my dark days!
Just wondering how you and your husband doing and if you made it through?
I reread a few posts and remembered yours.
I’ve made a great friend for this group from USA and I’m in England but she’s been a great source of strength for me even tho she and her husband didn’t make it and are now divorced.
Hi there, I wanted to ask you about your “dark days”, have they slowed in between? I am 8 months to the day from D Day and I feel it’s getting better for sure but it still slips back in my mind…
You have attachment issues, if someone cheats on you, lies to you, and it makes you want to be with them even more. You’ve dissociated, and you need to see a therapist if you can to sort out yourself. This guy could literally give you a disease that is permanent, and he would feel “remorseful” but would not stop.
Hi there JenMomof3
I’m glad things are getting easier for you and they will continue if your other half continues to put in the hard work!
For me dark days are few and far in between now but it’s been just over two years!
My husband has and is still trying very hard I have to give him that…
but it’ the triggers for me… story line on a tv show… someone chatting about cheating at work etc it takes me right back there!
And I cry and cry before I pull myself together…
it takes time and I’m not gonna rush it
I write myself notes all the time.
please message me if you would like to chat
I’d love to be able to help