I know I have been writing a lot but I just want to tell my story. Especially about my rape. I will have a few different posts about my other stuff I have been through but I am ready to tell someone other then myself about my story. Only my therapist has heard this! First off I have to mention that at the time I hung out with the wrong crowd and wa son drugs (was no addicted to the heroine and cocaine that I tried) but I was addicted to pills (oxy). Well one night I hung out with my friends and got way to comfortable. I was very comfortable in my body and was not afraid to show it off. Well most of the people I hung out with were guys but I didn't think of them as sexual friends/boyfriends. They were just like best friends almost like siblings. That night my friend Nate offered to take me home and I let him because he had before. On the way home he put his hands on my leg and rubbed all the way up to my thigh. Didn't really think of it as anything until he went higher. At that point I got extremely uncomfortable and asked him to stop. He did and we went back to listening to music and talking. But when I realized he turned down a road that wasn't on the way home I started to feel uncomfortable again. He drove me behind a parking lot turned off the car and locked the doors. Obviously I could have gotten out but I was more confused at the moment as to what he was doing. I and him where we were and instead of answer me he grabbed my hair and whispered in my ear to get into the back seat of the car. Let me remind you he was a couple years older then me and I only weighed about 90 pounds and he was a heavier guy. But as I went into the back seat he told me to take off my pants and if I didn't then he would. I did not take off my pants. I would not. So like he said he forced them off of me as I tried to push him off me. Of corse being as little as I was I did not get far. As he took off my pants he also took off my underwear and from there it got very disturbing. I begged for him to not do this to me. And as I said that he choked me (not hard enough to leave a mark but hard enough to scare me) and he lifted me up and slammed me against the door. Before he got started he went on to tell me that if I ever mentioned this to anyone he would find me and do it again until it killed me. Being scared out of my mind and continuing to say no he went on to do what rarest do and it was extremely painful and very traumatizing. After he was done he
Told me to out my clothes
On and get in the front seat. He went back to a dying like who he was before what he had just done to me. Had a smile on his face and turned the music up and started driving to take me home. One street before my house he turned down the radio and parked by the side walk. He told me to get out and walk the rest of the way. So I did and he drove off. My parents thought I was hanging out with a girl friend. When I got home I went into the bathroom and washed up for about an hour. I felt so gross and I cried all night. I went to school the next day and kept it to myself because I was scared what he was going to say or do. I didn't hear from him anymore after that. I didn't hang out with those friends anymore but I became more depressed. I attempted to kill myself at school and planned to do it there because I didn't want to hurt my parents. I overdosed on topamax and oxy. I told my gym teacher I couldn't breathe they sent me to the nurse who then called the ambulance. From there I was admitted to the psych ward after my stay at the hospital for treatment. I never ended up telling anyone until last year. This happened 6 years ago and I was just diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It has destroyed me as a person and I continue to have daily struggles because of it. And three years ago I met the guy I'm with now, got pregnant after 2 months of knowing each other and now we have an amazing baby girl. but after she was born we started to have issues, he started talking to girls and heating and I started to get bad again. I got pregnant last year and had an abortion without him knowing because I was scared. (Before that we got into a physical fight and called cops so I was afraid of him hurting me while pregnant so I decided to have an abortion that I did not believe in) I hate myself everyday because of it. And just recently lost my baby boy at 16 weeks in September. Since then I have been seeing a new guy who just told be he has HIV, I have been having unprotected sec with him for about 6 weeks and now I might be HIV positive and have a chance
Of being pregnant since I haven't had a period since before I was pregnant. My life is turning into a horror story! I am very unhappy with who I am.
This is a lot to cope with on your own, have you sought help, counseling, therapy? https://rainn.org/, 1-800-656-HOPE
I'm in therapy
Thank you!