I miss my husband

Mental Health Mental & Physical Abuse
1

The world feels like a "Twilight Zone."

I cannot believe he is gone. He was so alive. I just want to scream out his name, thinking that if I yelled loud enough, he would finally hear me and answer back.

He was so obsessed with me through our 28 year marriage...and through the 35 years we knew each other, that it is so hard for me to imagine that he will never be just around the corner of the house looking for me, or wanting to be with me.

How can I do this?

He wasn't the best husband...I considered divorce way more times than once...but I had decided that the best choice was to stay with him..since we had so many children and so much of a history. Life is not always sweeter on the other side of the mountain. I figured, men are men...why leave the one I have when they are all basically the same...and mine isn't really all that bad.

Now he is gone..and even though there were a lot of problems...I don't even have what good things I did have. Now I am completely alone. I cannot endure the pain in my heart, and head, anymore. It hurts so bad.

My kids are hurting, too. And I feel like I am failing them. I have no family to help me with them, so it is just me and my kids. I am drowning!

2

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I know that "twilight zone" feeling too...it's no fun :( I've been through it a few times...and am going through it again right now. All I can tell you is...it does get better. And you do have your children...and I'm sure you are not failing them...these things happen beyond our control sometimes. I was married for 10 years...and have had 3 relationships since my divorce that have ended in terrible heartache. Each time I felt like I was going to die...but it always got better...that's all that is getting me through this time. And my family and friends of course...and this group has been a blessing to me already. But even having family and friends..I still feel alone alot..because they have their own lives. Just know you aren't alone in how you feel. Hugs to you...hoping you feel better soon :)

3

thanks Wildflower. We do need to know that we are not alone. And I live in a small town. We don't have a ton of choices for support groups here. I do have my therapist, but I pay for her. Nothing in this world is free anymore. Thanks for your kind words.

4

Glad you found supportgroups & welcome. We're here for you & listening so please keep talking only when you feel like it. We do have to go through a series of processes mentally to be capable to continue, so please be easy w/yourself & take care of you. I'll be thinking of you.

April

5

kolob

welcome to support groups.

isnt it strange how we want to hang on to something that we know wasnt all that brilliant but was working not broken and didnt need mending, then death appears and suddenly we are tossed out alone bereft of any type of anchor and definition of our selves.

im sure you are doing a great job where the kids are concerned, the best way is to let them chat about dad when they want to and reassure any that are old enough to have questions, years ago i remember my youngest bro in law wanting to know if he would still get sixpence now "da" was gone, the silence that filled that gap was horrendous, but his "mam" explained no cos she didnt have sixpence to give that was "da"s job but if he did this and that he could get his sixpence, needless to say the rest almost ate him alive for his thoughtlessness.

trite as life is time does heal this wound

keep chattin and posting

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

6

Thanks domestic,

My baby - who's 8 - and her dad always had a little night-time routine. He would tuck her into bed, sit on the edge and they would sing "You Are My Sunshine" and then they would have a night-time prayer.

The first time she asked me to do it, we both nearly completely broke up. Now it is our thing, and that is special to me. She is young and she probably won't remember that it was Dad who started that, but I will never forget, and I will try to help her remember, too.

He was a good dad.

7

kolo

im so glad the routine is now yours and yes we sing that song to our grandsons as well.

my mum in law kept a little book for her youngest boy, she put things in with photos that "da" had done with him, like the sixpence tradition and how he always sat on the back door step to have the dregs of his "da"s tea

keep strong and chat when u feel like it hon

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

8

Hi Kolobprincess!

I've been away from this site for awhile. Came across your post when I logged on this evening. It caught my eye because I too know that " twlight zone " feeling. I just lost my husband in January. I'm so sorry that you're hurting! Grief really is a process and not everyone deals with it in the same way as I'm sure you know. I hope that you can focus on the good times you had with your husband. Be kind to yourself! Your children need you. You will be in my thoughts. Love to you my friend. Keep sharing.

9

i lost my dad, i was 38 yrs old with 4 children......i shut down for almost a full year........i overheard my kids saying moms crying again one day and i knew i had to for their sakes march on....it took me a full year to go back to work, but i did...it still hurts,,,,but i function and u will tooo.....push yourself to put his death out of your mind daily, stay away from people who keep bringing it up...make some changes in your life to keep u busy...it will get easier.

10

I am so sorry for your pain. I know how you feel though. I lost my husband almost one year ago. He was ill but doing better and then one day - one day he was gone. FOREVER! You never consider what that word truly means until you lose someone to death.

When I miss my hubby, I talk to his pictures. This probably sounds crazy to some, but it does seem to help. I know he is around me (maybe not all the time) but I truly feels he is listening when I'm talking to him.

I still have his cell number on speed dial and every once in awhile, one of my cats will step on the phone and amazingly they call him. I always take that as a sign he wants me to know he is near and thinking of me.

Please feel free to message me anytime. As the anniversary of his death draws near, I'm already feeling the heaviness of the sorrow. So I could use a buddy too!

Hope to talk to you later!

11

Hi I'm new on here. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and loss your children are experiencing. I, myself, just lost my husband of 10 years and father of my 4 elm.school aged kids in June of this year. I'm just reading and trying to get a feel of this. I really liked what you wrote and the honesty you used. I've been trying to paint this picture perfect marriage to people when in reality I too had thought about and almost went thru with divorce more times than I could count, but at the same time my love for him never changed. I hope we can chat sometime because it seems we may havve alot in common. Wishing you the best.

12

Hello. i'm so sorry to hear about your lost. I am going through the same thing you are. I lost my husband to bone and lung cancer 2 months ago, I am left with a 13 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. I feel like my world has been crashed down on me. All I can say is take it one day at a time. well that's what I been told by everyone. I know it's hard. I feel for you. take care, Alison

13

Thank you all so much for your kind words, and for reaching out - even in your own pain. I would love to keep in contact with you, too.

Pinkee, I know how you feel about trying to push away the feelings when they come. However, I have also lost a daughter 24 years ago, when she was 2 years old. She was run over by a pickup truck and her brains were splattered on the ground. Because it was so graphic, I tried to do what you just suggested - push it aside, and it has caused a ton of excess pain for me.

Through years of therapy, I found out that it is better to feel the pain when it comes, and deal with it then, because that helps the healing process.

Picture that all the pain and strife of a traumatic event is liquid in a barrel. And there is another barrel called healing that the liquid has to go into. There is a measurable amount. If every time you have some of the liquid pour out to the other barrel, you stop it and keep it in the pain barrel, it is still there. If you let it move to the healing barrel a little at a time, it is painful to deal with, but eventually the pain barrel will become empty. if you never let it out, then it will always be there. Eventually, the pain barrel has to empty, and it will just take longer.

That is the way I see healing. No matter how much you push it aside, there is always the same amount that has to be dealt with, and it will just keep coming back in different ways - even undesirable ways, because we just keep pushing it aside.

Because I have learned that through the years, I am trying to let the pain come, revel in it, cry with it, sit at the cemetery and lie across his grave with it. I am going with the feeling, because I don't want it to get bottled up and screw with my psyche like my daughter's death did.

14

kolo

u are so right that we need to deal with the painful to be whole again.

love the idea of pain being liquid, ive just come from the cemetery we went to renew the flowers of our first born who didnt make it, her new flower is called "peace" the last decade she had "hope"

as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

15

dear Domestic,

so sorry about your loss of a child. That is so difficult. I think that the flowers are such a great idea. I believe that the spirit lives forever, and I love to think that my husband and my baby girl are together in heaven and very happy, and waiting for the rest of us to join them.

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I am new at this and don't know what to do or how to get my pic and commets on here?

17

Well Alison,

I can see your picture and you just posted a comment. So I think you are okay. Unless you are talking about something different. In the top left corner of the page, there are menu items of how to get to your own profile account and you can edit and post a picture there. Make sure you are always logged in so that you can post responses and/or start your own discussion. You can send private messages to anyone by clicking on that icon on the bottom of their ID box.

18

Thank you so much! I will try that

19

Styx is coming to my town this week and I have tickets. Their song "Babe, I Love You" was the first song I heard on the radio after my husband died that I connected to emotionally. I like to think that he sent me that song, and I picture the lyrics coming from his voice.

Babe, I'm leaving, I must be on my way.
The time is drawing near.
My train is going, I see it in your eyes.
The love, the need, your tears.

But I'll be lonely without you,
And I'll need your love to see me through.
Please believe me, my heart is in your hands.
'Cause I'll be missing you.

'Cause you know it's you babe,
Whenever I get weary and I've had enough
I feel like giving up,

You know it's you babe,
Giving me the courage and the strength I need
Please believe that it's true - Babe, I love you.

Babe, I'm leaving, I'll say it once again.
Somehow try to smile.
I know the feelings we're trying to forget
If only for a while.

'Cause I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love to see me through.
Please believe me, my heart is in your hands.
I'll be missing you.

'Cause you know it's you babe
Whenever I get weary and I've had enough
I feel like giving up.

You know it's you, babe
Giving me the courage and the strength I need.
Please believe that it's true - babe, I love you.

Babe, I love you.
Babe, I love you.
Ooh, Babe....

20

Hello everyone,

This is new to me as well. I lost my fiance in April very suddenly. I can't find any support groups in my area that fit my needs, so here I am. I also dont know anyone like me to talk to. I am a young widow. I'm 38 years. The shock is finally wearing off and now I feel like im in the "twighlight zone". no one understands. they dont even know that im hurting. people think i should be getting over this literally because we were not married. I've actually had friends try to set me up on dates! I didnt get to make any decisions, i lost his social security that we were going to retire on. I cant believe that it doesnt occur to people that i didnt even get too start a life with him, and already I should get over it. I have an upcoming vacation that I promised my kids and i am having alot anxiety about it. it is something we would have done together. no one understands the lonliness you suddenly feel. your surrounded by friends and family but its not the same. its not intimate. I could go on and on, but i will save some for next time. Do any one have tips for the vacation?

Be Well, Holly