I need advice! I caught my husband and his coworker, by seeing a few messages on his phone. This lead to him telling me some of the truth. Now I get pieces of the truth as we talk. He hates to talk about it, but is very remorseful and we are working it out slowly. The problem is every time I get a piece of the truth it hurts all over again. Do I really need all the details, or just that he had a sexual affair with all the bells and whistles that go with it. Are there benefits to knowing it all? Can I just assume it all happened and begin the healing? Yes my women instinct wants to know when, where, times, ect but when he tells me, it hurts so bad.
@Gettingthere01 getting a new job has happened, although it took a few months. How do others get the whole truth? Every time I think I have it something new comes out. I just want the pain and hurt to stop. I hope your husband gets to the remorseful stage soon. Not sure it matters don’t think my husband will ever tell the whole truth. I think I will just believe everything happened and try to heal.
It would seem to me that of the "who, what, when, how, why, where" questions, the only one that is truly actionable, and therefore germane, is the question "why?" All human behavior is goal-directed; nothing "just happens". What were the causes and conditions from which it arose? Can they be ameliorated? If so, how?
Focusing on the sordid details only distracts you from addressing the only thing subject to change. The rest is history. No matter how you obsess over it, you'll never get the ink off the page.
I wish you solace and peace.
You are all right. The obsessing has stopped my healing. I think about wanting to know the details all day long. I will try my hardest to move past that and accept the fact I know the baseline and honestly that’s enough. He has told me the main parts and the details, the nitty gritty is not needed. Thank you all for responding. It does help to talk about it and feel heard. Now on to trying to get those images out of my head!!! Everyday something new to battle.
Feel like we never do. I stopprd asking. I feel uf my wife did not lie for a year after discovery we might be in a better place i belived her belived they went to hotels and had no sex i think i felt like such a fool until being on this group 2 years ago kas told me if shes in hotel with ex not rrading books. Our life was a bunch secretive lies
Honestly, I’m very biased and full of hatred towards your partner for cheating. I saw this yt video once where the social worker made a great analogy: “some of us walk around with a huge camera on our shoulders where we feel like we should or shouldnt do something (our conscience), and that I realized that some people simply don’t have that” (patrick teahan).
I know if I even start to think I could have feelings towards someone, I check myself and try to neutralize it, and share it with my partner that this person is getting a bit too clingy to me.
Other people just go ahead and deliberately flirt, dont feel bad at all, and treat them like they’re dating and then act all surprised when it’s now an affair—usually using their partner as a reason the other person feels sorry for them. Often lying. Sorry I just cant wrap my head around that behavior. So thats what I mean, some people dont have that conscience on their shoulder, nor can they really self reflect in the moment or CARE about consequences for their partner from their actions. It’s a lack of caring. I personally wouldn’t take it personally, he sounds like an absolute i dio t. I bet you do everything for him, take care of him, do his laundry etc. We live in a culture where people like him end up with godsend partners and they cheat anyways. So it’s a him problem: lacl of self reflection and empathy.
This is a very complicated old question for me.
Married or not, monogamous or not, cheating or not, the short answer is: We do not need all the details.
Remember: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” -I think by Sharon Salzberg
Myself, I don’t discount rivals. I respect them. I love Hillary despite some dishonesty but when Hillary said Monica was “Loony tunes”, I get it but I think that was very wrong and anti -feminist! Hillary has done a lot for women but sometimes it hurts when they attack you or threaten your loved ones.
However, a love one is not property.
In some ways, I like knowing things in order to be non-ignorant, and not a ditz, but on the other hand, do I really need to know everything? No! I feel sometimes our SO’s want to be found out and so we find out sometimes accidentally on purpose. But I never underestimate a rival.
That being said, it is a very difficult road to hoe because it’s annoying to my partner and it’s difficult for me. But it is the way of respect.
I can’t emphasize enough: We do not need all the details and sometimes when they give them, they are just doing it to assuage their own conscience, telling themselves they are honest when in true ethical non-monogamy(ENM) you ask beforehand whether the partner is comfortable with an adventure or relationship.
That said I wouldn’t have wanted to know beforehand for various reasons but while I knew he was probably screwing around at camp, I didn’t need to know details!!!
It is rarely beneficial to the relationship to confess a lot of details. Some things your SO may politely not tell you but sometimes the other woman/man will tell you anyway, sigh !
I would just assume that you will never, ever, ever have the whole truth. So stop looking for it. It won’t really change how you handle things moving forward, anyway. The reason you aren’t going to get the whole truth is because it is too painful for your partner to tell it and he knows that it will hurt you as well. The more important thing is for him to ask (and you to share) what he can do to help you feel safe and to trust him again. Its also important to understand how it got started and to prevent that from happening again. Talk about boundaries and when its important to disclose information that you would otherwise be unaware of. That’s my 2 cents!
Sometimes is seems like it would be easier if they said everything at once, just rip the bandaid off so it can heal all at once.
I understand your feelings completely, I tried not to want to know the details but I couldn’t do it, I’m not wired like that. It hurt to hear but in the end I actually felt better about it and I think my husband did also.