Hello!
I've been on a little trip back home to UK. I told myself that I would follow some form of 'meal plan' - I certainly ate different foods but found myself to be incredibly stressed and compelled to exercise more to maintain some form of control over the changes.
I returned to France the other day and restricted everything to try and get back 'on track'. My body went into the usual habits - starvation mode, depression, falling asleep randomly, no energy. I felt like I wouldn't be able to cope but that I couldn't seem to maintain a real 'menu plan' so I felt really down yesterday. This morning, I felt even worse. I barely had the strength to do my exercising and I fell asleep soon after. I went for a walk. I came to a realisation and I thought about a post Jan posted a while back about letting go.
I stopped off at the local organic shop with the intention of letting go. I was once a happier woman. I was never fat...the ED tells me I was but I WASN'T...Before I lost weight, I was never big. Reality struck. Do I want to live my life in a constant swing between satisfaction and depression or do I want to let go and get my personality back? My personality is what makes me, not my body. If I was never big, why would I ever be big??? I can control my weight but I don't need to lose weight. I can exercise but how can I enjoy this exercise with no energy???
I'm fighting this with a very big sword and I really think I can do this now. It's not about binging and then going back to the same ways...it's about totally changing everything and realising that I am doing this because I am (like all of you are) a very special person who deserves it. I'm going for it.
Mmmm... I'm reminded of something my therapist said to me this week... She said that I'm still thinking about the importance of excersize and trying to use it to balance my eating because I was once focused on losing weight. Today, however, that should NOT be my goal. I do NOT need to lose weight. sigh... I know she's right... I KNOW it... But it's very hard to let go of that thinking because doing so feels like a dangerous thing to do... Long ago I resigned myself to constant vigillance; that was to be my life. It's difficult to accept now that constant vigillance is not only unnecessary, but harmful in this case... As our understanding expands, so must our choices. ♥
Love,
Jen
Hey,
Oh la la that is a great realisation and it doesn take time to slow our brains down and say "hold on am i not in the same cycle?"
Your personality is truly what makes you. And i understand how consuming an ED can be. So it's all about shifting the focus away from food, exercise, weight, size and really focusing on you, as a whole individual.
It takes practise, I'm still learning and it really takes baby steps, it slow your brain down.
But stay positive hun, your on the right track.
Love to you
MG x
Jen, I really know what you mean about the exercising - this has totally destroyed my energy to the point where I never want to be in that position again.
I joined the gym the other day - I'm limiting myself to the tai chi classes (3 times a week) and some upper body light weights to build up some muscle - it's risky (as I've read) but for me, it's a way to enable me to keep positive, to be able to eat more and to control my exercising so that it's done in a certain environment. So far, it's going really well - I went to a Tai chi class this morning and did some light weights. As a result, I've eaten so well - even snacked on some nuts which I can't remember ever doing, eaten three healthy meals and haven't felt the urge to do any further exercise. I'm not sure if this is the right choice but I know I feel much better, more energetic and I'm eating and cooking again - I fogot about my cooking skills!!!
I've also taken up daily meditation - this isn't for everyone but it certainly is for me - it's enabling me to not panic when I eat, to keep calm and focused. I've also been putting on beautiful relaxation music during each of my meals, setting the table (even though it's just me eating!!!) and turning it into a 'special occasion' - this is helping me to 'look forward' to my meals and the cooking I'm doing is allowing me to think about experimenting with new things. So far, I'm enjoying this. I have set myself the challenge of eating one egg before the end of the week - this is going to be tough because (for some strange reason), I'm petrified of eating one!!! I'm still eating fat free products but I've introduced bananas, nuts, chicken, fish and cereal which I never imagined I would be able to do.
I've taken up reading books which are totally un-related to food and focusing on learning new things - this is helping me to not think about the changes I'm making too much - it's giving me 'time out' which is nice. I have to admit, the tai chi class was a real eye-opener because there were mirrors and I was shocked to see that (compared to everyone else), I looked 'too thin' - I've never seen this before...I think this triggered something in me. I don't know if what I'm doing is 'the right way' but so far, it's working and I'm feeling good.
Oh_la_la...I'm glad that yesterday 'felt' better to you. Are you seeing a therapist or a professional for help with this?
I'm glad you are exploring many different options to enhance your life. Wishing you the best...Jan ♥