I'm 49 years old, separated, unemployed and living with my mother. I use to have a house in nice neighborhood with my wife and daughter. I ran a successful business with over 10 employees. Before I started my business I always had a decent paying job. My business was a casualty of the recession and I've gone from **** job to doing handyman work to try and keep up with my bills and child support. Moving into my mother's home has been very demoralizing. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for having a roof over my head, because I couldn't afford to do it on my own now. It was supposed to be temporary and has been 4 years now. After 2 and half years of struggling to find any employment, I was able to land a great job that was going to be my come back. Great pay, benefits and even a car. What happened? I was found guilty of DUI which was pending prior to my employment. I had the job for 2 weeks. I have been in a downward spiral since. Yes I know it was 100% self inflicted. I can't forgive myself for being so stupid. This loss put me back into depression even further than I was before the opportunity was given to me. All the suicidal thoughts have been coming back. My daughter is probably the only thing that keeps me going. I went back to drinking and using weed to cope with the hopelessness until recently. I've stopped using to try and learn how to deal on my own. It's not easy. I can not get rid of the anxiety or depression and feeling of worthlessness. I have gone through all my savings and have maxed-out my credit cards just trying to keep up with living expenses. I've taken myself off facebook because it's hard to see everyone living there lives normally, the way it's supposed to be. It makes me feel like a complete loser. I cover up my real life from everyone. No one outside of my family and closest friends know my situation. I am too embarrassed to let anyone see my real life.
I have been sending my resume to every position I'm qualified for, and all the jobs I'm over qualified for. I feel I am losing my skills and ability to do the jobs I used to. I'm running out of any hope of being able to support myself or my daughter let alone having any type of retirement. I can't stop the self loathing.
I also find myself getting angry. I consider myself to be passive, but I want to fight anyone who looks at me the wrong way. I always make the effort to be kind and polite, but that attitude is diminishing with my hope for any kind of future.
I now how you feel. I recently lost my job for doing something totally stupid at work. It was a great paying job with excellent benefits. Now I have nothing and 4 kids to support. My ex and I split a year ago and he stopped paying on bills that I consigned for him on so now my credit is ruined. I'm in the Accounting field so good credit is a must and employers check it before they hire you. I'm sure I won't be able to work in that field again until I clean up my credit mess but with no income now it will only get worse. I've applied for everything and the only jobs coming my way are jobs nobody else wants with half the pay I had before. I took 2 jobs and will now have to work about 16 hrs a day everyday just to keep a roof over my kids heads. I will no longer even get to see them. So yes there are days when I just want to check out and if it wasn't for my kids I probably would. Life just keeps getting worse and worse with no end in sight.
@San43 Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I feel for you. Having your kids with you should help keep you going. The only time I feel somewhat normal is when my daughter is with me. Not living with her makes me feel worthless. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice except to appreciate your kids and know you do everything for them and hopefully they will appreciate you for everything you are going through. The separation from my daughter is like adding insult to injury.
I know what you mean when no end in sight. I thought I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel a number of times only for it to fade fast. I honestly have no real options and no direction at this time and it’s completely consuming of my thoughts, hope and any optimism I may have had. All I can say is the standard “hang in there, it will get better” and thanks again.