Im loyal to people who arent loyal to me. It's a me problem

Im loyal to people who arent loyal to me. It's a me problem.
When someone ignores you, it isn't because they have trouble communicating. It's because they dont know how to tell you they dont love you, they don't respect you, or value you. When someone hides who they truly are. I remember my ex said "you're the only one I want", but he said it sarcastically. I realize now, that someone with compassion wouldn't do that. When you tell them the thing that hurts you, they don't use it as a reason to gossip about you to their friends, and sarcastically put you down in person. When someone calls their ex "crazy", it's because they drove their ex to feel insane, because they did stuff to disrupt their emotional well being. When someone loves you, they dont try to tell you that there are a million other women around they could be with. I sort of realized, finally, that the last person I was with, 4 years ago, did not love me and could never love me, and finally I can see their cruelty. I feel sad, that I grieved the loss of this person so much that I stopped eating and developed fibromyalgia. I feel sad, that I allowed myself to be with someone who treated me like I was a replaceable person. Im GLAD I broke up with him. I just wish I had not given a second chance. Because it only went downhill. I should have known, from the first day, when he seemed dismissive in how he said goodbye. He was all about taking charge and being in control. He wasn't "ready to settle down," he said. In that moment I should have said, well, why are you with me? If I'm just a "right now" person for you then Im not in the right place. I should have said those things, but I was still not used to speaking at that time. I think the relationship's loss, taught me to be angry. And my anger taught me to speak. More than I would in the past. Even now I would not likely say any of that. But I would probably know deep down to stay away and not go back, I hope. A part of me says "people change". But the truth is that they don't. What I saw was the beginning of a narcissist. I dont know why I attract them, or why I fall for it. or why i give second chances or why they cant just pick someone like themselves to be with. Ive tasted every flavour of narcissism at this point. I dont believe that a good relatoonship is destined in my life. My career is down the **** too. My job is a narcissist. my mother is a narcissist. my exs were all narcissists to varying degrees. I am tired of being alone, but I know that good people are just narcissists in disguise at this point. I have trouble trusting people, they're simply a species of evil I havent yet experienced. I wonder how they will destroy me. I lose my appetite thinking aboit it, and dont eat. become weak. and once you lose your health you're just dead. So Idk what to say. Im so tired of the games on this planet. There is no honesty. there is no kindness. there is only stepping on people to get ahead. I dont want to be like that, so I am the one they step on. Im not doing well today. I need to get ready and hopefully attend class online. if th internet even works.

5 Hearts

I'm so sorry! You don't deserve ANY of that. It's difficult for me because I don't have the same understanding of your situation because (except for a couple of very short, non -relationship times) I've never had to live through it. I feel like the healthiest thing you can do is just keep an open mind. And if you have to, heal first before trying to trust more. Healing gives one resilience so the barrage of negativity, abuse, and letdown, can be processed better and dealt with better. You may not believe me, and that's ok. But hearing you say these things truly makes me sad. I truly believe you are a good person who is reacting to a lifetime of trauma. It's not your fault.

1 Heart

@jonthecomposer Im sorry if it makes you sad. If it helps I agree it isnt my fault, I dont blame myself. I decided to be around people today and print off stuff to study, honestly school is saving my life from depression. Thats all there is to it. I prefer work, to thinking about how horrible people have been in my life. I have much anger inside lol Not directed at any one on this site, you are all lovely, but truly just from realizing the b.s. I have experienced in my life. If I think about it like a lifetime of trauma, Ill turn into my mother, who is always a victim. All she does is regret her wasted time while she wastes each day complaining about how she wastes time. The infinite loop of her frozen life. God I hope I never end up like that.

My friends were kinda the same way, although not really in a narcissistic sense, at least, I don't think so. A lot of my long time friends that I've known since I was little and were all somewhat close to at some point, basically left me in high school. They made new friends and stopped hanging out with me or talking to me as much. I kept hanging out with them even though I knew I shouldn't have. Deep down, I had already cut them off emotionally. I realized they only wanted me around when they wanted something from me, other than that, they would always have other friends they chose first. I would often miss how they were before high school while I was in high school, but now, I feel like I don't really even care anymore. I feel like, more often, in these kinds of situations, people change in a negative way than in a positive way.

@KFH520. Yeah, that’s unfortunately a normal thing in highschool and middle school. I think in any life transitional period, Im realizing it’s normal to lose people from your life. You were outgrowing your friends in different directions. It must be like that in my case too. I remained loyal to them, while they outgrew me and basically stopped caring. It sucks when we arent as important to others as they are to us, or maybe they dont have as much attachment as we had. I guess Im happy for them. In your case I can confidently tell you, that no one stays friends after high school—unless you want to be stuck in high school mentality. Usually the people I knew from highschool who are still friends, all live in the same small town, and do the same things even now, 15 years later. The best looking kf them all lost their hair, some people ended up being gay, the “smart” girl who was extremely mean is a party gorl with no friends, and it’s all just really bizarre to see. I donf have any of them on my friendgroup, deleted facebook, ans my peace of mind has improved since no longer coming across them. So many of them got married and then divirced like a coupoe years later. none of it matter. Youll meet much better friends and people along the path through university .

First want to say that the guy you recommended on YouTube is great. The Narcissist father just tried to bribe me with money to come over .. yet he is the one who abused me most of childhood. So No!

1 Heart

I feel sorry about what you had to go through, very similar to me, people love to view my life as dramatic, so dramatic that it is exaggerated. it is not at all, we INFJ just can't stop narcissists to come at us, because, to them, we are super feeds to them, a battery to charge their narcissism. no one normal narcissist will ever let go of such feeds, NEVER. they will use WHATEVER means necessary just to feed on us. so i don't know about you, but i will not only cut them off, but also block them off, hopefully, don't even need to talk to them in real life, AT ALL. so i can not only have peace of mind, but also have a healthy mind of my own, and not some made-up bullshit of some narcissists A or B. who don't really give a **** about you yet not only claims otherwise, yet spread it to whomever you have around you, just to finally isolate you to you and yourself. but thank God, we have fellow victims of narcissism here, maybe to band together, or maybe to heal together. we can hurt as much as we can (it's a normal stage for/to reach a healing process) and comfort each other, while wounds are shown on our bodies. even with this, we victims will ALWAYS truly understand each other, much more compared to our families or friends. if i may claim it, i would say we are a family of our own here, in this support group. because we care and love each other genuinely, without any facades or lies whatsoever. we feel each other's pain, comfort each other and encourage each other to keep moving on. Life can look bleak (i felt this way just a few days ago) but due to my religion (sorry to bring religion into this, hope that i did not violate anything), i was able to keep going by putting my faith in it. it is super hard, you and i do understand that by experience, but let us pull each other, and nudge each other to hopefully keep moving forward with maybe or even a hopeful life ahead, even with all near darkness now. i used to think i have no one, but here we have everyone, even some closest friends you have in real life, to walk together when we are wary, to journey at some point in a lot of sense together, to this somewhat nearly seemingly impossible goal we have. we can be down (totally ok to be who you are at that time, just being you, just hurts) slowly we will be able to come up, hopefully even stronger, even more resilient, and even wiser to spot narcissists. I hope this is a least a little bit of encouragement for you, or maybe to others as well. i don't know if this helps, but i hope and pray it would. ^^

1 Heart

@illuqrium I loved your reply, I apologize it took me some time to reply I was feeling overwhelmed at times so it takes me some time to absorb even basic things. Evertthing you said, is truthful in my life. I can say that only survivors have actually understood me and had empathy that I felt was true, because other people simply havent seen or experienced what we have, so I guess it makes them feel unsure of how to talk about it. I have only met one person in real life, who was an empath from NPD abuse, and also well adjusted. I have met another who was lovely, but she was unaware of the rude things she said. Ans both, were really just mirrors to myself and who I can be. The first, more healthy, with better boundaries, she exercises a lot, she is friendly and kind to everyone but struggles to say “No, I need to be alone”. She kept her room super clean. The other, had hwalthy boundaries but she just said rude things, she is completely unaware of when to be polite to others and hold her tongue in public. Public vs private conversations… And I can be all of those things too, from both of them. So it’s really interesting to see the paths people can go down, when they’ve experienced NPD abuse. We are not alone, just like you said. There are also those who become narcissists themselves, because rhey get wrapped up in being a victim and the world has victimized us. Or aggressive, and entitled, into grandiose narcissists. Ive seen some flavors. And just like you, along with research over the years, I have really relied on God. This journey of narcissism, revealed a lot to me. and God always showed up literally, to comfort me, through reiki heaing from a youtube channel called “divine white light”, and mantras that are ancient from my own religion. I feel my mood improve and it isnt a placebo at all. When I was a kid, it didnt work for me, because I didnt have evidence of God. And no one should believe in something until after they have evidence of it. Real, practical evidence. Ive got some lovely amazing stories about the crazy, amazing little miracles I experience on a daily basis that to other people they wont be “real”, bjt God has always responded, reciprocated, and shown me the truth. It hasnt always felt good. But it has always led me to healing if I kept going.