I've never done anything like this before... writing in a public place about my struggles with food and ED. I cannot do this alone though. I have tried and tried and failed and failed. I have always had a poor body image, but I have never been overweight. I remember always looking in the mirror at dance classes when I was very young thinking my legs were too big... that I had love handles where my tights rested on my hip. I remember doing swim team in the summers and thinking I would make a bigger splash when I dove into the pool... I hated how I looked in a swim suit. My ED behaviors never started until I went off to college. My freshman year I felt so alone, and my perfectionism went crazy away from home. My new safe haven was the student Rec Center. I would go there constantly to work out. I would do the elliptical until i was dizzy. I started calorie counting and kept the numbers beyond low. I finally experienced my first binge in my college dorm room a little more than half way through the spring semester. I opened a bag of family size baked lays and could not stop. This had never happened to me, the control freak and anorexic. I ate the entire bag in a complete trance. I was overwhelmed by panic and I had my first mental breakdown-- I was fat, huge, a failure, dumb, ugly, you name it. I ended up finishing the semester then checking myself into treatment. It was Intensive Out Patient in Dallas. I stayed at home with my family at night and went to treatment during the day. My binges continued. It has been two years and I still struggle with random, yet frequent, episodes of binge eating. It is such a hard thing. I go to therapy and see a dietician. I'm of a healthy weight, but the emotions tied with binges just are too overwhelming. I wish more than anything that I could just be okay with food. I wish I could not think about it. I wish I could keep it out of my mind until I felt signs of hunger and could decide then what I felt like. For some reason though, as much as I want it, I don't know how to let go of it. I've tried asking for God's help, but I haven't had that revelation.
It's ironic how jealous I am of cocaine addicts or alcoholics. They can say "oh, it's been 3 years since I've last done it". But with food, we need it, and it is such a delicate balance between what is "normal" and "disordered" and of course perception is everything.
I guess all I can do is remain hopeful.