I finally realized and admitted I have a problem with compulsive buying and I REALLY want to change. I've asked my husband for help and he thinks this is a joke, he says "its not a real problem" and that I should be able to "just quite, stop buying". He has threatened divorce,kicking me out and taking our 2yr old son away from me and never letting me see him. I know why I spend I feel lonely, ugly inside and out and just unhappy with my life. I've tried talking to him about it and he doesn't get it or understand. Someone pls help I'm SO OVERWHELMED with anxiety, quilt and helplessness that I've even considered ending my own life but I could NEVER leave my son, he is my world. Pls help!!!!!
Hi Lola, Welcome to SupportGroups.com . I understand about shopping addiction. I have suffered from it myself in the past. One thing I heard from a lady was she would go around the store and put everything in her cart that she wanted. Then before she got to the register, she would take out everything that she really didn't need. She said doing this that sometimes there would be nothing left in her cart. You can do a search for "help with shopping addiction" and find lots of good info. With time, I have gotten better. My big thing is the sales. I mostly keep that these days to doing grocery shopping. I take it one day at a time and say to myself I have all I need for today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Keep sharing with us. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))
I'm failing miserably :( someone pls any advice, anything?!
Hey Lola,Is there a debtors anonymous in your area?There isnt where I live so I have no first hand info but have heard good things about them.It is critical to get your husband on board with this.But if he wont ,I would urge you to seek counseling alone if you must.You are a unique and wonderful child of God.Forgive yourself of past mistakes and hold your head high.Everyday is a fresh start,forget yesterday and focus on the here and now.Just try to take one day at a time and build on small successes.Do something good for yourself today.You are seeking answers and you will find them.There is a fighter in all of us,find that part of yourself.You are so worth it. Terry
Terry,
Thank you for your encouragement and kind words! I have checked into debtors anonymous. I guess I was hopeing to find help anonymously, I'm afraid to go to the meetings. What if I see someone I know? I'm so embarrassed. All of my friends think that we (meaning my husband and I) have everything and are perfect which couldn't be furthest from the truth. Oh I'm so frustrated.
Hey Lola, if you see anyone at debtors anon you know,dont worry.They would be there for the same reason you are!Besides,any help you will find there will far outweigh any tempoary embarrasment.Im not a professional by any means but will help you any way I can.Trying to figure out how to get my wife through this compulsive spending thing.Can you think of things that you enjoy doing and make you feel good that dont cost much money?Regular walks or exercise with a girlfriend?How about volunteering somewhere like the animal shelter. My wifes spends to fill a hole somewhere in her soul.Can you identify why you spend?Im trying to love on her to meet that need and buy some time till I can get her into counseling. Let me know how I can help,will share any insights that I pickup.Love on yourself Lola,You are worthy!
Terry THANK YOU!
I love running and exercising, however I fell down our deck stairs injuring my ankle and now face the prospect of surgery or steroid injections so I can run :( Yes you are right the temporary embarrassment of seeing someone I know most certainly outweighs the benefits. I think I spend b/c my husband and I don't do very much anymore, I miss all the fun we use to have. Now he goes out every Wednesday with his friend to play cards, hunts and fishes. So there are numerous get a ways for him to visit his friends who live by the lakes. I just get stuck at home with our son. Alot of our friends do not have kids. I go to work come home cook clean, take care of our son day after day all the time. There is never time for me to do any of the things I like. My best girlfriends are either not married or do not have kids so they don't really like coming over or getting together too much b/c we have to do kid things. Your insight would be wonderful and the support is uplifting! Good luck to you and your wife.
Hey Lola, Are you unhappy in your marriage so you spend? It seems the two are tied together. If you were truly happy would you still spend? I would think it would be very helpful if you could find ways to stregthen your relationship with your husband.I know it takes two to work and maybe right now he just isnt interested. I know a regular date night with my wife helps allot. Dinner,movie and a dance? Well maybe not dance due to your ankle. Get a babysitter for some time alone to reconnect, try to rediscover what drew you guys together in the first place. You say you miss all the fun you used to have. Find ways to get that going again. Buy a fishing pole? If nothing else,go have some fun with your son,maybe your hubbie will feel left out and join you. Make time for yourself,its a must do. Get away from that house work once-in-a-while. It will always be there. Above all Lola,accept and love yourself, you are special! I got your back in prayer. T
Hello all: I read a great book over the weekend that is an amazing find! it is called "Money Drunk, Money Sober". I purchased it on Amazon.com-take a look on Amazon at the synopsis. I highly recommend it to anyone with any money "drunkenness" - another way of saying money addiction or mis-handling of money.It shows us all in black and white exactly who we are and what we need to do in order to live with this illness. It will also help family members understand the illness as well. The book A currency of hope is also phenomenal-it is the book put out by D.A. I have been to 4 meetings and they are very helpful, mostly in showing me I am not alone and this is a widespread illness, not limited to bored or lonely housewives. I can effect anyone. Some people are more at odds with money and credit and all that stuff, than are others. Meetings tend to focus on one of the steps and a "tool", like consistently writing down all expenditures, so that you see in black and white where your money is going. This tool places you in a position of awareness. None of us wants to be broke and no-one consiously wants to wastefully spend our hard earned cash, but we addicts do it - over and over. some say we are addicted to the drama and chaos of being out of cash or being in debt.Much of each meeting is sort of ritualistically reading aloud the steps and tools-going around the room, taking turns reading. This can get a little tedious but does give us the time to think slowly and reflect. Anyway-get the book and read it. It is hard to put down and is very short. Good luck!! - S
Thanks for the book tip , Superwomen , will be checking them out . Now why didnt I think of that ? Have a good one , T
Lola, I read your post and know that you are sooo not alone. We share a strange but not uncommon illness. It is no joke, as your husband has stated. I am concerned about your comment about ending your life! Just end the lives of your credit cards and/or bank ATM cards. Leave the money up to your husband for now. Possibly this act of surrender will calm him down and let him see how much you really want to change. Then go to DA. Look online for the nearest, or most convenient location. The people there will immediately make you feel better-I promise! Nobody is judgemental at all, only accepting and welcoming. All the best, S
Hello all! Well this has been a good week for me, I HAVEN'T SPENT a dime not even a penny! YAY for me :)
Terry I've tried all those things with my husband and have even tried telling him those things. In one ear and out the other, OH WELL. I need to focus on me I've started running again, slow and steady and have even had some nights out with some old girl friends from school. Good times catching up! I've even discovered some really cute treasures in my OWN closet, HAHA who would have thought ;) Ok support friends I feel like I am making some improvements. Its SO NICE to have people to talk to that understand. THANK YOU!!! Have a wonderful and blessed night everyone! Terry thanks for having my back in prayer, I am definitely returning your act of kindness.
Later friends :)
Lola, congrads for your spending restraint, thats awesome! Glad as well to see you getting out and having a little fun. Careful with that ankle tho. Gotta say your attitude sounds a whole lot better. Sorry that your husband is still blind to the jewel he has in you. Do not give up! Keep on taking care of yourself, keep growing and change whatever negative circumstances that you are able to. As you grow in confidence, as you find joy, he will start to see a new you and get curious as to whats going on. This can turn the table. Bring a litttle mystery into the relationship, keep him guessing. Wear those cute little treasures in your closet, hey, your saving money! I think you are on the right track, Lola, Keep up the good work. P.s., check out Supermans book review on spending. Have a killer day! Terry
Dear Lola,
I can relate to you, in the past I used to go on shopping sprees and buy things I didn't need but wanted. What I realized was I was trying to get something from the shopping that I wasn't getting from somewhere else. I just recently went through a divorce and those feelings of wanting to go shopping have come back. Thank goodness I don't have the money to go buy things. But I realize why I want to. I'm going through tons of emotions right now and trying all kinds of things to get rid of those feelings. What I have realized is that the Lord is not going to let me get away from feeling those feelings and then dealing with them. So often in the past I would stuff those feelings, run away from those, etc... That wasn't helping me at all just making things worse. I guess my advice is find what is leading to the addictive behavior and then step by step tackle it. Defiantely having supportive people is key.
Dear Sports, Yes there is that thought that you are not getting all you can out of your marriage, your career, your life, but, the theory I have been reading about is that this addiction is an illness that is progressive and only gets worse over time. It doesn't go away, per se, but it can be kept in check, like with people addicted to alcohol who are now "sober".
So we have to learn to live with it, knowing we have an illness--to manage the illness and not let it get the better of us. We all have it in us to change, we just gotta want it! Take one look at Amazon.com and you will see you are not alone-a great feeling!! Love, -S