...
hang in there don't give up your so worth fighting this i know this monster can break you but you are worth put you self back together. im sure it will get better look at how many people on this site are in recovery. it means that recovery is possible. your in my thoughts and prayer please keep fighting you can do this lots of hugs Leah
ps. don't know if you find music helpful but there 2 songs i find encouraging by superchick they are called beauty from pain and courage they help me when im really low sometime i listen to them for hours hope it help some.
LA...what's going on? Can you share more?
What has brought on this hopelessness? I know you have had to face some terrible family events lately, if that's the proper way to describe it all.
Have you sought help yet? Please share more, and know that you are in my prayers....HUGS...Jan ♥
why are you sorry?
Hey LA,
Hope you are okay. Please share more about what's going on with you. Please keep reaching out for support.
xxx
Your words are so eloquent. If I stand ...if I fall status really spoke to me. I don't know if this helps but sometimes my focus gets on something that is hurting me and not helping me. I have found if I change that focus whether it be listening to music as justwannbebeautiful suggested,calling a friend and deciding to talk about something unrelated to the hurtful thoughts,or getting out and doing someting physical that I can see a beautiful result like planting flowers or vegetables. Gardening is good for me because I have something else to focus on. I find if I change my focus to helping someone or something else alot of my pain goes away and I have a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I hope my words encourage you. I know life gets so overwhelming at times...keep posting we care about you!
LA,
please write more if you can...
You've had it pretty lately.
Hang in there!
Thinking of you
Andrea
I wish I has something worthwile to say.
I'm afraid I don't and I really don't want just to jump on this site to rave and rant without lending others support along the way.
I'm afraid I am in a very dark and lonely place. I have had a history of ups and downs and severe depression and suicidal thoughts and attemps all in conjunction with my ED demons.
i haven't been eating much in the past few weeks... last night I hardly slept. I am in the middle of grieving the loss of a close college friend who was 'blown off' a mountain in CO falling over 300 ft. to his death... he leaves behind a young wife (friend of mine) and two beautiful children under the age of 2.
Then we learned that a family friend's 13 year old brother accidently shot and killed himself last week while playing russian rullet with a handful of young kids.
I can't stand my job and am having personel issues that will most likely not be resloved. My husband told me that I am not allowed to quit until I have another job lined up... which it took me two years to find this one...
...we came across a beautiful home yesterday while house shopping - which is well within our price range but right now it's more importatnt that we continue to pay down debt - so of course the hopes and dreams I had of owning our dream house so soon were put on hold for now. just another dissapointment. so all our plans of house hunting and moving are on hold, again.
I am also PMSing - which isn't helping the slip and fall of emotions.
My ankle is still 'there' - still in an air cast. I wasn't suppose to start TRYING to walk on it till this Wed - but gave up on those stinkin' crutches this past Saturday. I just want to be done with this mess and move on with my life. As I was up in the middle of the night - It took all the self control in me not to throw on sneakers and just go running. I'm still in a lot of pain - beyond frustrated with things out of my control.
I feel so huge, fat, out of control, sad, lonely, lost, tearful....
Of course I talked with my husband and he doesn't know what to do. I guess I was suicidal last night when I posted my original post and today he's like 'well, do you want me to have you admitted?' Of course I don't want that! I don't think I'm suicidal now... but my thoughts were scary... 'If I make sure the laundrys done..that will help with the grief... kids uniforms, school supplies and sneakers have all be purchased... surly that will help him not have to worry about that if I kill myself...house is clean so if people need to come over and visit the family (after I'm gone) at least I prepared all that for him... just random mess of lost scary thoughts.
I'm at work now and feel like a zombie. I can't stop crying. I feel so sad. a thick lump in my throat - even if i wasn't restricting - theres no way I could eat anything.
I feel like such an emotional burden on my husband and family. I'm not underweight or so far gone in my disorder that treatment is needed... I'm not suicidal (right now) so no need to be put away... no need for anything. just get through the day right?
I'm just sorry that I'm not good or strong enough to know how to 'handle this' - my husbdan, love em, but he said i was being super immature... he doesn't get it and I don't know how to communicate. I just want to disappeare... cut... and fade away. I was to purposely dissociate from everything around me. I hate living like this.
So there... my guts laid out in phrases and sentences that may or may not make sense. I'm just overwhelemed and feel like I'm loosing control. Is the ED feeding the depression... grief feeding dpression... hormones that will go away... a broken mind that will never be fixed (and it that's true - THEN I TOTALLY GIVE UP! I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER!!!)
I just want to cry and sleep.
LA,
with everything thats been going on its no wonder you are so overwhelemed!
Please hang in there sweety!
I wish i could say or do something to ease your pain write now...all i can say is that It is ok to just want to cry...and if you feel like you want to cry then let yourself Cry...it really is ok!
Im glad you wrote and let it out here i hope that helped made the burden a little lighter, even if its just a tiny bit.
Thinking of you
Andrea
Thinking of
just had an emotional break down at work. awesome.
here's to getting fired....
every ones aloud a good break down once and awhile i sure you wont be fired hang in there keep posting we all care about you and are happy to support you or read a rant or rave you should not feel bad i rant annd rave all the time someday i try to support other somdays or weeks i just need the support and im not in the right place to help other thats what a support group all about if you need support then you rant and rave all you want i know i dont mind and im pertty sure other dont either so keep on speaking your mind , fears and emotions . lots of lover leah
Whatever you say is very worthwhile. Now is your time to unburden yourself with people that understand and care. You carry a heavy load and expect yourself to be perfect all the time. You are very hard on yoursef.I can read that in your last post. Your husband is frustrated because he just wants to fix what is broken. The brokeness we have can't be fixed by our loved ones. I know what it feels like to want to commit suicide. I had that desire for years. It would rear its ugly head when I would get so overwhelmed I didn't know what else to do. I finally went to a psychiatrist and went on antidepressants. I never had suicidal thoughts after that. I don't mean to say meds are a magic bullet but crying alot and suicidal thoughts signal depression. No matter where it's coming from (chemical imbalance, low blood sugar, poor diet,overwork,etc.)getting those thoughts under control is very important. It sounds like your life gets pretty unmanegable at times like ours do so if we can help please post. I hope you feel better now.
LA...I'm very glad that you shared. I am so sorry for the losses in your life and the lives of those you care so much about.
I cannot honestly say that "I know how you feel" in terms of the depression. I have felt depressed, but it was completely tied in with my malnutrition. What you struggle with is much more complex...HUG ♥
Not eating [much] is surely adding to this equation, whether you are able to see that or not. Your weight is not an indicator of your need for help. Any GOOD professional will know that. I am afraid that you are setting yourself up for bingeing, which could then lead to any number of dangerous behaviors. Plus, your metabolism is likely slowed down, which sets you up for much easier weight gain. I only remind you of these things to try to help you see that the eating issue [not eating] is only adding to your problems, now and in the future. Can you see that? I wonder if your discontent at work, when you loved the job initially, is also tied to the severe restriction you are engaging in.
I am truly sorry that you are feeling so terrible. You are not hopeless, nor is your situation.
Not knowing what happened at work, I hope you are now home and able to relax and regroup.
Please know you are on my mind....Jan ♥
Depression is pulling me deeper...I have a 'private' work meeting today with my boss and supervisor (scared) prob going to br fired because of yesterday...And we have to get blood work and a physical done tonight so we have to (get to says the ED mind) fast all day. And then, again go through my entire medical history with a stranger just to get life insurance. Why bother. Trust me. My life is not worth that much.
LA,
Depression is a lonely pit. I know that... When depressed, it is difficult to find any enjoyment in anything... I'm sorry you're struggling so much with that... You've really been hit hard with some monstrous losses... Even someone that wasn't inclined to depression would likely be feeling some... For someone that battles it regularly... Yikes! Hang in there, dear... Your life IS worth lots! I know it can be impossible to see that when stuck in depression, but hold on to the knowledge that you won't always feel this way. ♥ And if you're suicidal, LA... PLEASE get help! Tell your husband! You are worth fighting for! ♥
Much love,
Jen
Hey LA,
I am so sorry that you are having a tough time at the moment. Yes, i definitely think the ED feeds into the depression and the depression into the ED and it is all one horrible cycle. I think that you need to speak to someone (professional or otherwise) about all that is going on with you at the moment. That is a better option rather than keep going as you are at the moment.
I am also sorry for the loss and grief that you are having to deal with at the moment. It seems like there is a lot going on with you and no matter what happens with work or whatever else, the important thing is to keep focused on the things you can control and not the other way round. So getting help (if insurance or otherwise allows it) or opening up to your husband or working towards a meal plan of some sort (small steps if need be).
I am sorry that he sees it as immaturity. Honest truth is sometimes, i think that i am acting like a kid and just need to snap out of it but no matter how much i say that to myself, it never works so the way forward is to tell myself empowering things not things that will just make me feel bad about myself. Please try to hold onto the thoughts of the good things you have going for yourself.
Depression does lift with time but i have come to believe that good nutrition will probably help with this as well as talking to others and not isolating ourselves and spending time with people who make us feel good about ourselves.
Whatever happens at work, all you can do is plead your case and await the outcome. Please be gentle with your body. Sometimes i feel sorry for my body and i apologise cos it has done nothing to deserve the treatment i mete out to it. Please try to remember that and maybe treat yourself to a massage rather than a run or some time in a spa etc.
Thinking of you
Hugs,
Sreb
well, long story short.
i didn't lose my job today.
they didn't even make me take time off.
they did accept my request to be taken off one of our cases that was causing me a lot of emotional stress. (this is def helping the stress level right now)
my mood is still low but coming back around.
had to fast 12 hours for a pshycial i'm about to have for life insurance... AND I get to go all over my medical history AGAIN with a stranger. awesome.
not sure I'm 'outta the suicidal' woods yet or not... i do know how to speak up and ask for help if it gets worse and i promise my friends here that i will....
um. i think that's about it. my ankle is feeling better. may try to run on it tonight if i can.
sorry to be down. i'm trying to push through...
i m so glad everything with your job worked out your in my thoughts and prayers keep hanging in there there will be better days:)with love Leah
LA...I hope all goes well with the physical. I find it odd that they would schedule your fasting blood work for late in the day...that's not usually done. Not good for your present situation.
I truly feel for you, but I have to admit that a red flag began to wave when you casually mentioned going for a run, after fasting all day, and on an ankle that you injured less than a week ago...what's that all about? Please think about the choices you are making. You don't deserve to be punished, and I sense that attitude in much of what you have been writing.
You are loved....please accept it and love yourself...HUGS...Jan ♥
Jan u are too nice to me. I don't deserve your (or anyone elses) kindness.