Today was a pivotal day for me... I was a ball of nervous energy. Flitting about from one thing to the next, unable to concentrate, anxiety pulling at every corner of my mind. This afternoon arrived, and I was literally confronted by two well-meaning coworkers that insisted on telling me how much BETTER I look these days... Sincere and nice, BUT... I headed back to my classroom, and dug through my stacks and plans, making sure everything was in place. I gathered things I thought I might need while at home. I straightened and tidied. Left last minute post-it notes for my poor, unsuspecting sub... And when I was done, I breathed... I looked around... There was nothing else for me to do. And reality rushed in. I will not teach again until Monday... The next time I am at school, my surgery will be a memory.
I've been avoiding my fears with busyness and preparations... I've been working like crazy. And now I'm not... I still have prep work to do... I have a couple of appointments tomorrow, errands to run, phone calls to make, and cleaning to do... It will be a big, full day. And yet... With my "work" complete... Everything feels closer, like it's more REAL in some way.
Everyone at work thinks I'm WAAAAAYYYY out of perspective... That everything will be FINE, and I shouldn't worry so much. And I know they're right... I HOPE they're right... Once it's over, I'll probably wonder why I made such a fuss over this... And yet, I'm SCARED.....
I had Group tonight... I left work and drove in my reality-setting-in frenzy, and settled into my customary chair in my therapist's office. We were handed body image worksheets. I didn't want to be there. I began reading anyway. I resisted. Refocused. Tried to do what was asked of me. But the more I read, the more I thought about all my imperfections and the things I hate about my body, the more my disgust with myself and my situation GREW... In response to a question about how we were FEELING, I muttered that it was making me DEPRESSED. Unable to expand on that thought, I finally murmured, "PASS"... Take the conversation elsewhere, please! My brain couldn't handle it. I felt if I tried to speak, I would burst into tears. And I didn't particularly feel like having a mental break down in the middle of group therapy, two days before my surgery. Though, I suppose if I had to have one, that probably should have been it! ;0)
I'm wondering how normal people COPE with stresses like this... People have surgery all the time. MAJOR surgery. And they don't fall apart. Or, I don't see it, anyway...
I'm also thinking a LOT about WHY my body image is so poor... Why I hate myself so much of the time... I'm not as constantly AWARE of these feelings as I was when I was so deeply into my depression, but these worksheets bring it all right to the surface. I'm forced to face my feelings about myself. And they're not good. At ALL... Others reported poor thinking about themselves, too, but MY thoughts seemed out of proportion. And I kept going back to some earlier experiences in my life and how they affected my body-image. And self-esteem. Confidence. I want to cry... How might things have been different?? And yet... That line of thinking will not help... I can't seem to shake this feeling that TALKING about my ****** body image isn't going to HELP... It's dragging my flaws into the spotlight. It's depressing me. It's making me realize just why I feel myself to be doomed to life as a depressed and lonely spinster... Because that's all I feel I deserve. That's all I feel capable of. And that thought depresses me, too.
I'm sorry for the rant, my friends... I'm feeling... Bad... There aren't words... :0/ Haven't felt like this in a long while... Probably good I have therapy tomorrow... :P
Good night,
Jen