I’m the sole caregiver for the paranoid psychotic woman who was once the love of my life. She suffers greatly from SLE, fibro, and Sjorgren’s, the symptoms of which she ascribes to ultrasonic/microwave/energy weapons arrayed against us my a malevolent cabal of neighbors who are going to kill us. We live in a perpetual state of existential panic; from the moment she gets up in the morning to long after she’s laid down at night; it’s the sole Post of conversation. She viciously castigates me for not believing everything she says prima facie, and for not protecting her from the ray guns and poison gas machines; in her psychotic rages she can be whitheringly verbally abusive. She bitterly resents virtually any attempt at self-care that doesn’t involve her, as she’s mortally terrified of being alone. I quit playing music because she’s hypersensitive to sounds; our kayaks haven’t been wet in at least two years; we haven’t been lovers for nearly five, she hasn’t worked in around seven, and I’m on Social Security. I’m trapped, with no way out.
Have you spoken to social services in your area, is there no way to get her placed in a mental facility to get her evaluated and medicated? We know you are tapped out and placing someone in care is never a decision to be decided on lightly, but what will happen to her if your mental health and physical health take a detrimental hit? SG
I am so sorry my friend, this is too much, but I agree with TeamSG, you can’t take this on by yourself forever, that isn’t fair to you or her.
Yes; she has a case manager at DHS, and sees a multidisciplinary team at the community mental health center 3 times a week. There’s an emergency contact too if needed; their number is programmed into my phone. This is apparently their highest level of non-residential intervention.
So there is no additional step, like maybe residential care?
You are such an amazing member and we just love the support you give and how much our other members know and care about you. We hope you know what joy and support you bring to our site. -SG
Residential care is the next and last step. Currently all available outpatient options are in play. I’m concerned that within two weeks of landing in a group home, other residents will be “poisoning” her, she’ll do something antisocial, and get kicked out and land on the street. My therapist wants us all to meet together and terminate the relationship. He thinks that at the rate things are going, she’s going to give me a stroke or a heart attack.
It sounds like you are in a hard place surrounded on all sides by rocks Based on your description of a typical day, if I were convinced that there was nothing more I, personally, could do, I think I would take your therapist’s advice. It mus be absolutely gut-wrenching to have to abandon the former love of your life, but circumstances and people change and you need to change with them. Good luck with everything.
I am so glad that you have such an understanding and supportive therapist. Does he or she think that maybe with additional medication she might prosper in a home? I am not sure if she is on medication currently, but since she thinks everyone is poisoning her I am wondering if she actually takes anything.
You know, from the money she gets for disability, low income, unemployment, welfare /government assistance, she could probably be allowed to live in a care facility or group home. You should talk to someone at a government agency or hospital to help you connect her to services. She is a fully grown adult, and it is also her own responsibility, to try to be independent in some capacity. Verbal abuse is very much a choice, one other alternative could be silence, speaking kindly, or even choosing to get therapy to learn to communicate.
You are not trapped, you feel guilt or something similar, and the truth is that you are a person too with the right to a safe environment same as everyone else. Emotional safety is safety too, unless you want to end up ill just like her, afraid to live, afraid to play music, giving up everything until you cant take it anymore and something snaps.
I highly recommend doing the responsible thing, and asking for help. And by that I mean getting either an at home caregiver for her and separating, or asking her if sje would like to move into a care facility. Because youve gone past the edge of reasonable here.
0ther than Medicaid she doesn’t get any of that. She’s been turned down by Social Security twice in the nearly four years since she first applied. While applying for services might be her responsibility as an adult, it’s far beyond her capability. She has a hearing scheduled with Social Security in January. Hopefully she’ll finally have the wherewithal to develop some financial independence and with it new opportunities.
She’s prescribed meds by her treatment team, but is notoriously non-compliant and quite cagey about them.
Piobaire I applaud you living with this situation for so long. It sounds so difficult and you are a true hero for what you are going through. I can sympathize with the feeling of being trapped in a bad situation. I have been stuck in one for getting close to 20 years and don’t have a way out of it. It can be so hard but you are not alone. I pray your situation will improve my friend.
god thats awful, Im sorry. But do you want to leave? It sounds like you’re unhappy. I feel like perhaps you qualify for caregiver support type of income supplementation at least, or if you own your home perhaps a bedroom can be rented out and you can move out. I am just so resistant to the idea that you are “trapped”, I want you to be free and never feel you have to subject yourself to someome’s emotional abuse.
In a treatment facility I am assuming they would make her take them.
@Piobaire Also, happy Thanksgiving week. Looking at my Gluten Free pie recipes for the week. Yum.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. Baked a half-dozen apple-walnut breads to pass out to neighbors, and a walnut pie to take to our local parish for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.
Do you have a recipe for gluten-free flour? I’ve got things like arrowroot, tapioca, and almond flour, but have no idea of the proper proportions. Previous experiments have not gone well.
I use a lot of almond flour for things like brownies, I tried a great recipe for bread with brown rice flour, I Can Eat a Rainbow too.. - Dish by Dish let it raise longer and I turned up my oven to 375 and it should bake a little longer than an hour, but it tastes so good! Pie crust I just buy from Trader Joes because it is GF, it isn’t expensive and I don’t really care about crust. I find King Arthur GF flour is a good 1:1 ratio on a lot of other things.
She’s finally been awarded SSDI, and her ACT Team case manager is getting her set up with the TCL Program (“The Transitions to Community Living (TCL) provides eligible adults living with serious mental illnesses the opportunity to choose where they live, work and play in North Carolina. This initiative promotes recovery through providing long-term housing, community-based services, supported employment and community integration”).
She awoke this morning reading evil portents in the patterns of melting frost on neighboring roofs, and fulminating about a lamp in a neighbor’s window which is intercepting our cell calls. That quickly segued into a very loud, lengthy, and highly detailed recital of what an awful, horrible person I am.
I reiterated that if she’s really this unhappy here she should seek happiness elsewhere, and that she really does need to treat me with at least a modicum of courtesy and respect, or seek accommodations elsewhere. As she harangued on, I amended that to say today; NOW!
I can’t even begin to describe how very tired I am of all of this.
We hope her living in a treatment facility will help her overall health and mental health and allow you a much needed rest. -SG