Intrusive thoughts about some really awful stuff

Addiction & Recovery Sex & Pornography Addiction
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Hello. I am a young adult with autism. I’ve chosen to keep my identity anonymous, for reasons that will become increasingly obvious throughout this post.

The catalyst that started this whole thing was, as it often is, pornography addiction. In high school, I never consumed porn. However, once I graduated, I started watching porn. I watched it for the first time in the summer following graduating high school, and I’ve been watching it since, and I’m trying to stop. I’m currently in a relatively prestigious university.

As is often the case, the more I watched porn, the more I started to get into really weird kinky stuff. The problem, however, is what those kinky stuff were. After a while, I developed a kink for, shall we say, nonconsensual sex acts involving girls. Obviously, not real life cases of this, but hentai involving it, where actual lives weren’t involved. That was the excuse I gave myself. It wasn’t real people or lives involved. It was just a weird kink. Surely, I wouldn’t ever consider doing something like that in real life, right?

Well, I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve begun having intrusive thoughts of doing that sort of thing. Even, in some cases, let’s say, with girls who are not at the legal age of consent.

I do not view myself as superior to other people. I realize that sexual assault is an awful thing, and I don’t think I would ever act on these desires or thoughts (God forbid I ever mentally deteriorated to that point). However, these intrusive thoughts are still scary.

I’m not sure exactly what to do. I’ve considered reaching out for professional therapy, but a) professional therapy costs money, which I do not have, and b) I’m thinking, hoping, that it’s just a matter of me not consuming this content, and then these thoughts will go away.

I’m also religious - I’m a Christian, and I’ve sought some help from God and my religious beliefs. This has helped to a certain extent. I’ve considered reaching out to a pastor or someone higher up at my church, but I can’t help but be worried they might judge me and/or tell other members of the church, i.e. my parents or church friends.

As previously mentioned, I am a university student. My school offers therapy sessions to students dealing with mental health issues. I’m considering reaching out to them and telling them about my problems, but I’m also a bit worried that admitting to borderline rape fantasies to someone higher up in my school might not be a good idea.

I know some of you might try to shame me. I would have shamed myself a few years ago too. But I need genuine advice. Should I decide to reach out to a professional therapist, how should I go about doing so? Is my university therapist a good route?

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Hi,

I do not know what to say, but certainly do not want to leave someone genuinely seeking help without a response.

First, I do not think anyone in SG will shame you. You are seeking help and pornography is very destructive. It opens people to behaviours that are not natural to us.

You need professional help. A professional outside of your university. Please do not delay this. Yes it costs money and it is expensive, but prioritize this.

Maybe others will have better advice, but I cannot recommend anything else. I’m not a professional. I hope you can overcome this.

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welcome to the group. some of your past sounds very similar to mine. I was a college student years ago, aka almost 50 now. but lots of sounds similar. First off, just remember that you are not alone in this, there are many of us out there that deal with similar issues.

Secondly, anyone you see on a professional level, even someone at your school, should not pass long that information to anyone else, unless you are threat to yourself or others. So if build good rapport with a counselor at your school, they should be able to be told about it.

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@Griz75 I lowkey really needed to hear that. I know I’m not the only one in the world who’s had these struggles, but seeing someone else here who had them and got through them is still a nice breath of fresh air.

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With these more severe intrusive thoughts, there is probably an obsession or psychological motivation. Paranoia might make it worse, not better. The strength of the addiction is affected by a massive lifelong event, brief or long-term. Porn of itself is not bad unless you are committed to a religion that prohibits it. My therapist says even fantasies about sexual assault have appropriate settings; between two consenting partners. That aside, do you feel the sources you use for porn merit guilt or suspicion? Is it really “crossing a line”, illegal or against your moral code? I recommend not getting hypervigilant about the issue, but just using critical thinking. Unless you have to be hypervigilant.

Otherwise, do you feel not doing pornography made you feel left out? Did you use it to help anxiety, loneliness, depression, or inferiority? What are your religious beliefs regarding porn? Are you at conflict with yourself over doing porn regardless of whether the intrusive thoughts are bad?

I would see a therapist. If you are close to your father and feel comfortable, tell him you have this condition. Maybe get a psychological test. Get prescribed medication. If you haven’t hurt anyone, you should have nothing to feel guilty for in the end.

Other issues to consider are your relationship with your parents and your view of women. Do you feel frustration towards women or feel dominated by your parents?

1 Heart
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Hi…just my advice…I would not reach out the your University counsellor. i would reach out to another counsellor. i can suggest The Counselling Hub as they offer extremely cheap whatsapp counselling calls. they are based in South Africa but you can also be international to use their services. Please do reach out. and be careful of cchurches cos you never know who they may gossip to. i suggest a private counsellor because it stays with them

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I don’t know about those African helpline services… If it’s on Whatsapp, it’s probably a scam, as you said - extremely cheap. You just have to be cautious…

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it is real. my friend in Vietnam used their service

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It certainly looks fairly authentic, and a web trawl doesn’t show up anything saying: “AVOID!” Just be very cautious in dealing with them, particularly in terms of payments and excessive personal information.

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This is not as uncommon as you think. The chemicals that your brain release when you get aroused by visual stimuli can become addictive (they are the same ones that you make when you use drugs), and the more porn you look at the more immune to it you get, which makes you search out the more forbidden things. I’ve been there so I understand.

The problem with porn is that you get numbed out to what you are seeing, and so it takes weirder and more taboo things to get you to the level you want to be at, maybe the level you were the time before. It takes more and more depraved images to get you to your peak.

People who only look at porn occasionally don’t have this problem. Its people who read it, watch it, scroll through it consistently (every day or every night) that become addicted to the search of deeper and darker kinds of intimacies. The more forbidden, the more taboo, the more it goes against the morals your parents and your religion instilled in you the more appealing it becomes in your brain–because it appeals to your baser instincts as a hot blooded mammal and you are tapping into something almost primal. The need to breed, the need to dominate, the need to conquer.

Here’s the thing, acting on it will only cause you problems. It is wrong, which is why your mind dances around it, its a little like rebellion if we are being honest. You have to fight those urges. You have to be stronger than what your urges are telling you. You can have kinks, there are plenty of women out there who enjoy a good roleplay session, even the kind that are consensual nonconsensual–but other than that you have to fight to be a stronger person.

What is you like is the fantasy, that’s where you have to keep it.

I do suggest cutting back on porn, or watching things that don’t blur the lines so much. Try focusing on the physicality of the act rather than the taboo undertones. But like everyone else here has suggested yes, you should seek counseling. Probably best if its outside your academic life though.

It really is nothing to be ashamed about. You might have cause to feel shame if you had acted on the thoughts, but you didn’t. You controlled yourself and you should be proud of that. Lots of people have a porn addiction and most of them don’t just like the normal every day stuff either. Its designed to tap into everyone’s inner degenerate. Stay strong. Keep us updated we are here to help.

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I can really understand how you feel. I go through almost the same thing with my porn and intrusive thoughts about being part of the non-consensual acts, unfortunately wanting to be the victim in those situations. I am also afraid to tell anyone about it. Hopefully, we can find someone we can trust enough to get us through this.

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Any therapists would a good idea. Please, seek someone. Please.
Time to stop watching porn. Do it slowly, train your mind to find it disgusting.
Please, please do not rape anyone, please. Do not destroy someone else’s life because you want to live out a fantasy. Please.
Get the help. You are ready did the first step by posting.

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Just an update since it’s been almost a month. I appreciate all the support.

The situation isn’t as severe as I may have made it sound. I feel like I wrote the original post in a bit of a state of paranoia. I also thought I was some sort of menace for struggling with this, but I’ve since realized it’s a more common thing than I thought at first.

Over the last few weeks I’ve spoken with several therapists and psychiatrists. I also told my parents - I originally didn’t intend to but I ended up doing so anyway, and they were surprisingly supportive, probably because they could tell how seriously I took it.

I’ve also largely quit watching porn. Since writing this post, I’ve only masturbated once, and I actually stopped myself before finishing (I was trying to see if I could masturbate without rapey thoughts, and that didn’t work - I think me thinking about not thinking about rapey stuff made me think about rapey stuff, and I knew I had to stop).

I can gladly say things have definitely gotten better. I’m not out of the woods yet, and I probably never will be entirely, but I no longer feel like there’s a serious chance that I would commit some sort of violent sexual crime. I’ve also noticed that, while my urge to watch porn hasn’t gone away, I’m no longer getting urges to watch rapey stuff (Well, I am, sort of, but not exclusively or more so than regular porn). That might be a good sign.

3 Hearts
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Consider Celebrate Recovery. Many folks in recovery for porn addiction.

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im glad you reached out to therapists. and to your parents. im sure the disclosure will help you and im glad your parents are people you can lean on for support