i've had a taste today of what it's like to have none of my main reliefs. no b/p, no cutting, no working out (which i usually do in a healthy manner). and i'm sure i'll have loads of times like this if i go into IP. i don't think i can handle this, i don't think i want it but i have to cause everyone else expects me to do it now as i said i would do it.
i've only been away from home two days. it should be a good change but i feel i'm falling only deeper and deeper. i know why i always seek ED, because i don't want to see all that is me, all that is inside myself. it's too dark and desperate there and IP will only bring that out. i can't do it. i just wanna go so why can't they let me?
Maedi
I am also feeling that I cant handle things especially this holiday season. I self injure as a way to relieve stress and to stop emotional pain because at least i feel something when i self injure.
I am 49 years old and divorced. I have not self injured in three months but it is not really by choice but by a condition my partner in a new relationship has imposed.
I am afraid of losing my partner so I dont want to self injure.
I am bad at relationships and usually cling and obssess. Having a relationship is really hard for me.
I feel lonely and alone all the time. Ive been ip many, many times and I hate being there.
The only thing that kind of helps is that i have a good psychiatrist. I take a lot of medications but at times they do not work.
I dont have a therapist by I no I need to get one because my emotions overwhelm me all the time.
You need to go ip if the negative emotions overwhelm u and u cannot function but not because of its what everyone wants u to do.
However, you need to go ip if u are thinking of suicide or other things that may really hurt u.
I no that sometimes we think that our life is miserable and not worth living.
I am trying to live one day at a time but it is so so hard.
But I keep telling myself it will get better and not get any worse.
Please go ip if u are seriously thinking of hurting urself.
I want to offer any support I can and I no we can help each other by sharing our experiences.
thank you so so much for your kind and understanding words, i really appreciate it.
yes i do really want to hurt myself but unfortunately it's not an option as i promised after my last suicide attempt that i wouldn't try it anymore. i don't want to live anymore but i can't hurt my friends and family either, so my only choice is to try and get better, yet i don't believe it will ever happen. it just feels like such twisted thinking. if it was only down to me i'd simply give up. even one day at a time feels too much.
why did you start cutting? and what do you hate so much about IP?
thanks for listening/reading.
love
maedi
Maedi,
I'm so sorry you're in this position. Yes, IP can be hell, but the idea is to pull you out of it so that you're stronger and healthier on the other side. I know it seems impossible, but do your best to trust the professionals; they really do know what they're talking about. They're there to help guide you through the tough times when you don't have your usual coping mechanisms, and they'll help you find newer, healthier ones. You can do this! Keep us posted, and keep soldiering on!
Love,
Vero
hey vero, i like the soldiering 
that should be the mantality i gotta use, always liked discipline and perseverance!
how are you?
Maedi
I started cutting because I could not cope with relationships. I was always too intense and felt betrayed by people I loved. I am still having a lot of trust issues. I am in a relationship and suffer with jealousy issues.
I cut because I am angry at someone and then I turn my anger inward instead of telling the person that made me angry off.
I only hate ip when I am really not well. Like having a lot of anxiety.
I guess at this point i am really ill and start hallucinating. I feel that they give me the wrong medicine to make me start seeing things and hearing things.
I was abused as a child but do not recall any of the abuse. I only no of the abuse because my sisters went through it as well.
Right now I am having a lot of anxiety and dont no how to deal with it. All I want to do is take my meds and go to sleep but I no that as soon as I wake up the anxiety will reappear.
Im trying to cope with this anxiety. It is very hard though. I was anxiety free and well since August of 2007 but I have just started feeling very anxious.
I guess I need to tell my psychiatrist about all this.
My prayers r with u.
Love
Martha
martha, thanks a lot for sharing your story.
how are you today with the anxiety? when will you see your psychiatrist again?
i hope this site will help you get through the dark moments, it certainly is MY lifeline
keep posting!!
xxx
I've never understood cutting to be honest...it scares me that you sometimes do this Maedi :/
i’m sorry to worry you, hun! i don’t even know myself why i started it or continue it. it doesn’t give me as much relief as ED but somehow i feel i deserve it as i’m already ugly. and it’s kind of a way of proving my illness, of showing that, yes, it is serious. and now i can’t stop anymore. and now my mind always tells me if i don’t b/p it have to at least cut. it sucks.
hi maedi.. yikes - i didn't realize you were having a tough time in IP until i read this post. please try to see the light at the END of the tunnel. you CAN and WILl do this!! you have a lot to live for -- think of things that make you happy and joyful and imagine doing those things -- your favorite things with your favorite people -- whether its simple or extravagant. life IS worth living.
try to take this experience as a stepping stone. perhaps you can meet some others that you identify with in IP?
anyways, so glad you posted!! i was wondering about you the other day.
also, think that MANY people would LOVE to be in your position -- having the ability to enter IP... please try to make the best of it.
i COMPLETELY understand how it must feel especially the first time few days - different environment, different people, different controls, lack of independence... but that is what you NEED maedi -- honestly its what ALL of us need!
we support you and encourage you in your effort to recover.
xoxoxoxooxox,
caroline
thanks so much caroline for your encouragement.
i’m not in IP yet, just hoping for it but until then i’m living at my parents’ which is hard simply cause it’s a change (as you said) and cause i feel alone and lonely. of course they are trying their best to support me but at times i’m the only one in the hose (not even any pets) and that’s when things go bad. everytime i try not b/p i want to cut so it’s a constant back and forth and it makes me believe i plainly want to be destroyed.
so yes i know i need IP but i’m worried i won’t do it for myself and so i’m simply wasting it and giving my family and friends unnecessary hope. it’s just all too much and so scary…
Hi Maedi,
My daughter has self-harmed (cutting)especially when she's really stressed. It frightened me when she told me what she was doing to herself and I blamed myself for it because I felt she was all alone. Being suicidal is a hard one to shake and it's as though the mind takes over thinking that it will end the pain. I tried to do it twice in my life. Now I'm glad I didn't succeed. I can imagine how my family and friends would feel, the pain of losing someone to suicide is heartache that would last forever.
When you say 'if it was just you,' like you are not important. You deserve to have the life you want and with small steps things will get better. And I know what you mean when you say it's the thinking. Once you get through this journey it will make you strong enough to cope with the difficult situations like you are in now.
Have you got a notebook you can write in so that you can write down some observations about what you cope with and what you don't cope with? And maybe some ieas how to handle it. I have done this and I then reflect back on it which gives me some hope as I might realise that I get better at some things than the last time I went through it.
As I know how much you love animals perhaps you could destract yourself by writing a description of one of your favorites, their personality, what you love about them and then write as though you are writing for one of the animals and how much they love you and why they love you.
I hope you keep letting us know how you are going for a little extra support knowing you are not alone.
Kimba
kimba, thanks so much for the tips, defitnitely something i shoud try. and the one with the pety i’ve never tried before so sounds good.
i really appreciate your concern and support. it means a lot.
isn’t this site just amazing?
how are you doing?
xxxx
IP is very hard at first. My first 2 days were horrible. But you have people there to reach out to. Where I was we had counslors just hanging out w/ us, the fellow patients, you could request to speak to a therapist or dr at any time. You aren't allowed to do any of you typical releases so they build up but you are taught skills to use instead of your typical releases. That is what you are in for to learn these skills so that you can let go of your other releases. It is hard and it takes time but it does help. After IP I continued w/ intesive therapy for several more months and then slowly was able to reduce it down to just one group therapy and one individual therapy and eventually to just the individual. You are strong enough to make it it thru this please just try and stick to your plans.
ive done IP years before too and found it hard but helpful so i logically know it's what i need.
and i'm actually not in yet, i'm waiting for confiramtion. but right now i find it hard to generally believe in recovery.
but it's good to hear that you all still believe that there is a way out or even that you have experienced it.
i'll try to think about that and remember your faith. thanks so much.
Hi Maeddi
Thanks for replying to my post. I have a lot of anxiety right now. I will start counselling on Tuesday. I hope this will help me deal with the issues that cause me anxiety. I have self esteeem issues so I hope it will help.
I think IP will help u because u have a whole group of counselors and other people to support u.
I think my problems right now r due to a relationship im in.
Im praying for u. I am hoping my counseling sessions will resolve some issues.
Please go ip if ur feeling this bad. Take care,
Martha
hey martha, good luck for counselling, i hope you’ll enjoy and benefit from it.
why do you think your self esteem is so low? what happened in that relationship? (only if you want to say of course)
thanks for your for your support
xxx
Maedi, I love you so much and you can succeed, you really really can. We all hide from ourselves. But just think, we were all put on this earth for a reason and only for a short while so why not enjoy the little bit of time that we have.
My older sister cut, which is probably why she's one of the few people I've been able to turn to in times of deep despair, who I feel really understands what I'm going through. But you have to know that this isn't right. Maybe we can think of other things to occupy your hands with during times you want to inflict this awful act on yourself.
No matter what I'm here to have you back, we all are and you're going to make it. You're going to get that amazing life you always wanted and we're going to get to be here smiling for you when you do Maedi.
I love you,
Dani
Maedi,
Please stick to the treatment for now. You may think you can do this without this level of care, but the ED is fooling you. This may be YOUR chance to truly move beyond the ED. Don't walk away from it!
As you open up issues, yes, it may get harder, but that is even more reason to be in a safe place, where you can process things and learn to develop new coping tools!
Wishing you a better day today....NEVER GIVE UP!! Jan ♥
dani and jan, thanks as alway for your believe in me.
it's crazy but hearing from everyone on here than i can do this i at least don't just discard this thought anymore. i still don't believe it myself but i can hear all your comments while ED is talking to me too :-) it's exhausting to listen to this discussion but at least now it's not just one sided anymore!
ladies you're awesome and i hope you all know this! you keep me going like nothing else and i'm extremely grateful. i just hope i can do the same for y'all!
love y'all!!!
maedi