Is my husband who recently had a 4 month affair a narcissist

Is my husband who recently had a 4 month affair a narcissist?

Sorry this is long but would really appreciate your views. This is about how he will argue.

During an argument he interrupts me and then accuses me of interrupting him further into the argument when I’m only interjecting to try and defend myself against his accusations or to justify why I have a certain view point on the subject I’m upset about

When I’m pointing out what I feel is a wrong doing from him towards me he says “oh don’t go on!” And rolls his eyes
He will say that I’m ‘killing it’ and will interrupt me and say that I talk for what seems like hours when I haven’t even finished what I’m trying to say to him. He will shut me down this way and I find that I still haven’t finished what I was trying to say after a few attempts because he will divert the point to something unrelated like my tone or my ‘bad memory’ or my volume etc

I am frequently told that I need to take half the responsibility for whatever it is we are arguing about. That I think that I’m never in the wrong when the argument only started because he had done or said something unfair or controlling and I’m hurt or maddened by it.

He will get me to the point of frustration and when my voice starts to raise out of that frustration (due to constant diversions or gaslighting or wanting to just get my view point heard) he will tell me to keep my voice down because our son will hear and that don’t I even care about letting him hear us arguing. Why can’t I just talk like a human being etc
Our son will be upstairs or in another room.
I never set out to argue and let my son hear but what starts as my intention of explaining calmly that his actions have upset me gets twisted into a battle for which i am made out to be over sensitive or over reactive

He will ask me to back up my point and when I use something he earlier said as an example of that brought me to the conclusion he will tell me that I miss understand what he said or that it didn’t happen like that way and im making it out to be something it wasn’t

If I don’t recall the EXACT wording he used in the exact order then my point is thrown out as irrelevant because he didn’t say it like that even if the overall message was still the same.

He will say that I am changing the way things were originally said and that the tone I am saying he used is not accurate and that I am trying to manipulate the reality of what was said and the way in which he said it so it basically is all being made up by me to make him sound bad.

After I am drained confused and exhausted to the point I say that I don’t care to defend myself that I’ve had enough of his **** he will them see I am worn down and then hug me and tell me that he loves me and doesn’t want to argue. Can we make up and have a nice evening and be the loving couple that we are together.

By this point I’m too confused and burnt out to refuse.

Then apparently that’s it all sorted out

When I have at times pointed out that he done all of the above during the argument he will tell me that it is I face me that had just done all of the above to him.
I only get an apology if the argument blew up enough to the point where I might give up on our relationship then he will say sorry and tell me all the things he loves about me.

How strong willed I am
How I know my own mind
How he loves my blonde hair my blue eyes my lips bum cute feet etc

In the end the person that he accused me of being ( manipulative, reality twister, violent ) is now the strong, beautiful great mother and wife that makes him love me so so much

Is this typical of a narcissist?
Thank you for taking the time to read

Possibly, but here is the thing, he isn't sorry, he isn't begging forgiveness, he tries to butter you up when you are mad and he cheated. Does he need a title other than awful human being for you to see he isn't worth it?

1 Heart

@CKBlossom youre right and thank you for replying to me

Regardless of a diagnosis on this brat, he's horrible. He's absolutely horrible. He's toxic. Like seriously, he's a waste of energy to even talk to. Stop talking things out with him and let him be someone else's problem. He's never going to be any better. Do you have a plan for getting away from this monster? He is not a good person. Sorry, the truth. You deserve better.

@kelly72 thank you I appreciate your reply

Hi @Knightll123.
I have spent a great deal of time studying the phenomenon of narcissism.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity of putting my knowledge, such as it is, to someone's potential benefit and to read your interesting case. I will call your husband "Nigel", I hope you don't object. So here goes:
Nigel does a lot of deflection, not only from his guilt but from the discussion that apparently makes him uncomfortable. He does not confront with his version of events, but instead seems to do all he can to derail the conversation with all kinds of irrelevant complaints. That is CERTAINLY the way of the narcissist.
Nigel engages in blameshifting. When you try to address a problem in the relationship, he accuses you of damaging said relationship "you're killing it", thereby placing a blame on you. He also places blame on you when he accuses you of being to loud "do you want our son to hear". The ultimate is that Nigel blames you for doing the exact things to him that he has done to you. This is vintage narc, a VERY clear sign. It has been done to me BTW. Blameshifting is once again, defnitely the way of the narc.
The exhaustion you feel after interacting with Nigel is typical of experiences with narcs. You get worn out by his illogical behavior, failing to get to any satisfactory conclusion. Nigel senses when that happens and his narcissism determines that he has achieved control. That triggers him to enter into an agreeable stance, a small dose of lovebombing perhaps. This is all textbook narc.
Nigel engages in compartmentalisation. When you are arguing with him, and thus not under control, you are painted black and he is willing to berate you and describe you in highly negative terms. When he feels he has achieved control, it is as if his earlier characterizations of you never happened, you are painted white and he makes the needlepoint turn into high praise for you - giving the impression that what he said about you earlier had no foundation in what he actually thinks of you - which is sort of true. This is very much narc behavior.
All in all, to say that Nigel is a narcissist beyond a reasonable doubt, I would prefer more material. However, all of the aberrant behaviors are those one would expect of a narc, and nothing in there is something a narc is unlikely to do. From the above alone I would say it is very likely indeed that he is one, and the behavior you describe is consistently that of a narcissist.
Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to examine this interesting case.
If there is any way I can help you further in what seems to be a very difficult life experience, I am more than willing.
All the best,

1 Heart

Wow! Thank you so much! That is all SO helpful. I am going to research the terms you have mentioned.
Thank you for validating what I thought was true.

I am glad that you feel my contribution is helpful. I strongly advise you to seek the material of H.G. Tudor on youtube and elsewhere and study it extensively. Mainstream psychology is of limited value when confronting narcissism. Tudor has the goods on it.

I certainly will thank you whackbag

From Personality Disorders to Narcissist Abuse and Trauma