Last night I was having a meltdown; I was sobbing and crying my eyes out and I never knew I had so much water in me. I didn't know who to call because I don't like to burden my daughters with the loss of my husband last November because they have their own grief; they don't need to carry mine, too.
But after I'd been at it for a few hours, my neighbor came by to see how I was doing and if I needed anything. He sat with me for a while. His wife's mother died suddenly two years ago, and he told me how close they had been, and how hard it was for his wife. Now he also understands losing a parent is not the same as losing a spouse. But he told me how he told his wife what would her mother have wanted for her? And what did she want for her daughter? To fall apart, or to move on?
He acknowledged that it hurts and its painful and that he can't know what I'm experiencing. But he also reminded me what would my husband have expected of me, and what would he want for me? My husband used to tell me he would never worry about me if he died first, because I'm "strong" and I'm a "survivor" and I do keep going no matter what. And now I wish he hadn't said that because I don't feel strong, and I don't want to be a survivor. I just want to lay down and die and not be alone.
I think the hardest thing for me right now is that I feel so very, very alone. It's lonely being in this house without him; i would be lonely anywhere without him. But somehow, I keep going. I get up and I take care of the business that needs to be taken care of, and I try to get it all organized. The hardest things are when I can't find something or I don't understand something he did with our finances and he isn't here to ask about it. That tends to end with a meltdown - crying and sobbing and venting, although I do feel like I'm past most of the anger; not all, but most. Right now I'm having friction with my oldest daughter because her husband is such a ****. But that's another long story. But my daughter is playing the blame game and somehow, everything that's bad in her life is my fault. But oh well... life does go on. Unfortunately, the daughter I'm closest to (and who says we don't have favorites? I don't think we'd be human if we didn't have favorites, right or wrong) is on the East coast and I'm here on the west coast in California. But we have phones and email and Skype.
Sometimes I just want someone to tell me one thing - how do I get my husband back? Because I just can't seem to accept the finality of him being gone. Thank you for the space to do this.
Hi Crhoracek, I am so very sorry for your loss and express my sincerest condolences. I can only begin to imagine what you are feeling and going through at this time, and you should allow yourself to grieve. Though, your neighbor is so right in that your husband wants to see you happy and flourishing, and you will get there. It's all about taking it one small step and day at a time. Do you have any pets? Do you have friends or family in the area? If so, try getting out little by little, even to a cafe to meet a friend for coffee. Also, would you ever want to take a trip to visit your daughter on the East Coast, a trip could be good and refreshing for you.
Please know that your husband is with you, he watches over you and he wants to see you smiling. I know that you will get there soon. We are here to help you through this, please keep sharing with us.
Dear Puppydoglvr -
Thank you for your reply. In answer to your questions, yes! I have wonderful friends who “drag” me out for coffee or lunch or dinner; if I didn’t have my friends, I don’t know what I would have done by now. I have wonderful therapist who knows when to listen and when to talk, too. My dog - we just adopted him in October, about 4 weeks before my husband died, is my reason for getting up most days - he makes me get out of bed because he can’t feed himself! He makes me get out and walk, too. And I am planning a trip to NY to visit my daughter and her fiancee this March when she has spring break (she’s in graduate school). So even doing all these things that we all know we need to do, when I start to miss my husband, it just tares me up inside. The pain is so deep - I never knew anything could hurt so much. I wanted him to just have as peaceful a death as possible, and it wasn’t what I thought it would be; it probably never is. We never know what will happen until it happens.
I suppose I’m lucky that I don’t have to worry about working for now; he didn’t have a lot of life insurance, but he made some excellent investments. But I do think I need something productive to do to take me outside of myself. I’m sure it will come when I’m ready.
Thank you again; I really appreciate your thoughts and words. And planning a trip about now really does sound good. And I do believe my husband is watching over me. Many years ago, a very close friend of ours died suddenly from a heart attack. She was a young woman, in her mid-40’s. My husband and she had been in Catholic school together since 5th grade. He said to me, “now Mary will know if there really is life after death.” So I suppose now my husband will know that, too.
As he was dying on his last day with us on this earth, he would suddenly focus his eyes on the wall his bed was facing as if he would see something, and he would reach out towards it. I really believe, then and now, that he was seeing his mother or maybe our friend Mary, and others he knew who passed before him. I spent the last 48 hours of his life telling him it was okay to let go; to go to the light if he saw it; to look for his mom and for Mary; that they were waiting for him. I wanted him to be able to let go of this life and all of his suffering; it wasn’t until he actually did that my pain and grief really hit me hard. I began to grieve before he died - knowing what was ahead, but that’s normal, too.
Well, here I have rambled on again… I’m so sorry. I guess I have a lot to get out!
Thank you again.
Cynthia
Hi Cynthia, thank you so much for sharing so much more of your life and husband's passing. You described it so beautifully when you said that he was reaching out and probably seeing him mother and Mary. I truly believe that he left this life and went onto a warm and beautiful place where he was welcomed by family and friends. I know that the two of you will reunite once your purpose here is done, but in the meantime it's about living your life to its fullest all while honoring your feelings of grief and your life with Don. I love that you have your dog because it gives you purpose, which we all need to have. As well, wonderful friends and family who get you out and about. I also think that it's so amazing that you will be visiting your daughter in New York.
You will know when you are ready to start a new venture and stage of your life, though don't overwhelm yourself with those thoughts now. It's all about self-fulfillment and care. Allow yourself this time to feel the emotions and cry when you need to. Talk to Don, he is there with you and he hears you. I truly believe that. You are never ever alone.
Please keep sharing with us here, I am here to "listen" and help in any way that I can.
Dear Puppydoglvr-
Thank you so much for your comments and your support. It's good to have a place to get this all out. I did go to a support group at our local wellness community but I'm not ready for that; I really don't like going out in the evenings. Maybe when the time changes, and it's light later, I'll be more inclined to go, but in the meantime, it's so wonderful to have this online resource.
Thank you again.
Cynthia
Hi Cynthia, thank you so much for your wonderful comment. I totally understand regarding not wanting to be out in the evenings, I am the same way most of the time. Though, we are absolutely here for you, so please keep sharing and let us know how you are doing.
Thanks. I will do that. Where are you located, if it's okay for me to ask... I think maybe when the time changes and the weather warms up I'll feel better about going out later. I'm in Southern California, in Ventura County.
Cynthia
Hi Cynthia, how are you doing and feeling today? I am in Northern California. Southern California has such gorgeous weather, maybe try getting out during the day will do you some good. Please keep sharing with us Cynthia and let us know how you are doing.
Puppydoglvr -
Thank you. At least having a dog does make me get out and walk each day; unless it's just too cold (we do get some low temperatures down here!) or if my back is hurting too much.
But thanks for the contact. I appreciate it.
Hi Cynthia, how are you doing and feeling today? I love that you have a dog, what type of dog? I dream of the day that I can get a dog(s), as they are truly such a joy. It's so wonderful that the two of you can get out together each day.
Hi. And thank you again for the message. My dog is a poodle/terrier mix, but I think he's a lot more terrier than poodle. He's about 15 lbs. Don was allergic to dogs so we needed to have the poodle part, and I wanted a rescue dog who wasn't a puppy anymore and was housebroken. He's a sweetie. We just got him in October; we looked for a year before finding him. Everyone tells me he was sent to me for a special reason and I believe it. without him I may be spending more days in bed, but he can't feed himself (no thumbs! a little doggie humor..) so I have to get up and feed him. He loves to climb up on my chair and cuddle with me whenever he can, but we have special cuddle time in the morning when I'm drinking my coffee. He makes a noise that, if he were a cat, I'd think he was purring! And I love hearing his little toe nails click-click on my wood floors when he runs up and down the hall.
I hope you can get a dog soon; they bring you love, and there's always someone waiting when you get home. Right now, I need that. But there are times it would be easier to not have a dog, like when I was sick a few weeks ago, or when I want to be gone all day. It's hard for me to leave him for even a few hours, but I'm trying to get him more used to me leaving each day for a while. He manages. He has his own door and everything...
Take care
Cynthia
Oh, I truly believe that he was sent to you for a very special reason, what a wonderful companion. And, I love that he makes a cat-like sound when you pet him, how precious. I think that he gives you such great purpose and a reason to get out of bed each morning, it's a beautiful thing.
Puppydoglvr
Hi. I just have to ask - what's your name? If you don't want to put it on here that's okay. It's just that we seem to be communicating so much and I'm just wondering. Thanks
Cynthia
Hi Cynthia, thank you for asking. If you don't mind, for now I'd like to remain anonymous, though can private message you with my name.
Hi Cynthia,
Just wanted to reach out to you I very much understand what you are going through. I'm 23 and my husband and I were in a car accident in November he was driving to fast and lost control he didn't make it. I've had a very difficult time I never feel like getting out of bed but I do it for him, knowing that he would be furious if I jest gave up keeps me going. Sending comfort your way! God bless! Chelsea