So here are my thoughts for today....
My path to recovery started with aknowledging certain things. Things about myself and things about my ED.
How and why it started, what i was trying to achieve, how it developed over the years, what it ment to me and how and one stage i felt the ED and i were one in the same, unable to survive without eachother...
Many long and many times uncomfortable meeting with my therapist, expecially at first. Lots of tears, questions and more questions and even more confusion. In time however i started to be able to understand things better, see thing more clearly and many of my fears and thoughts regarding myself, regarding the ED and my "relationship" were crushed as my knowledge about both myself and ED started to increase...
Now thats the half of it and as difficult as it felt at the time i never realised there was more to this path to come, the part which includes Accepting....And this part seems even harder than the first.
The ED thoughts arent constantly there anymore, they come and go, and when they come i fight not to act on them, not to get sucked into them, but they to come and sometimes they are so loud....Now i fight not to act on them because i know, but do i accept? Thats a diiferant story all together...
The fact is there are good days where i feel i do know and i do accept certain realities regarding this whole situation, but then there are the days when im more vulnerable than others and when acceptance is difficult to find even though the knowledge is still there, because once you know something, you cannot "Unknow" it when you please (i know thats not a word, but you get what i mean...)
So i guess for full recovery to come, my knowledge and acceptance need to meet at some point and work together...become one...strengthen eachother and build a strong invisible defence shield around me where ED thoughts crash onto and fall back into nothingness where they can no longer affect me, hurt me, upset me, or threaten to take me...
At this point thats what im working on, within myself and with the help of my therapist. Im searching for acceptance, not just of myself but of everything...
Anyway...
Those are my thoughts for today...
Love and Smile to all
Andrea