Let me start by saying that I don't think that I am a traditional sex addict, at least not by definition. However, I know that I use sex or moreso sexuality in general for all the wrong reasons.
I grew up having like no self esteem. My parents aren't the type of people who can show emotion and so my childhood was very lonely. I was sexually assaulted when I was like 12, and raped by my boyfriend when I was 20. Both were kind of my fault. I tend to let things get out of my control and it's become a pattern in my life. I just go with the flow and everybody except for me gets what they want. At some point I get to a place where I don't know how to get out.
Usually I am alot quieter about my issues but lately I really been feeling like I am falling back into self destructive patterns, I am using sexual images to get attention and to boost my self esteem --not because I want to be a sexual object but because I just don't want to be alone. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel desired and needed, and really just loved. Which isn't usually the end result I am left with because even if I feel some of that in the moment, it never sticks.
I flirt with married men when I know I shouldn't. I won't sleep with them but I do show them things that I shouldn't and I end up feeling guilty about it after it happens. It just feels so nice to feel desired for once. I talk to guys who are obviously scammers and I justify it by saying it's boredom, but its really just because they are the only people who seems to like me.
Lately I have just been so bored with my life that I keep doing things and testing limits that ultimately can be classified as self destructive. Does anyone else feel like they use sex for the wrong reasons? Like they use it to fill a void that will probably never be filled because they might just be a little broken?
I am good at pulling back before I make full on mistakes typically but I fear one of these days I won't be able to find myself among all the trash my issues bring into my life.
welcome to the group. I think many of us use sex, porn, etc for ways to fill a void in our lives. use it as a coping tool for when we feel broken and discarded at times. Good for you in reaching out and looking at things as you recognize some of the signs you are having.
I would disagree that sexual assault or rape would be your fault. If you are the victim, then it is not your fault.
I should have never put myself in those situations to begin with. If I had never flirted with my 16 year old neighbor boy he probably never would have hopped the fence and attacked me. If I hadn't been making out with my boyfriend in the dark maybe he would have heard to 10 no's I said before it was too late. I tend to ooze sexuality, and I sometimes forget that I can be a tease even when I am not meaning to be.
These things happen every day and I am fortunate to not have as much trauma as some, but it does leave its mark and jow I have this unhealthy view of sex. It's almost like I use my sexuality to punish myself. I let all these unworthy stupid guys see me and that takes a toll on a girl eventually. I am not sure I would know a healthy relationship if it bit me in the butt
@MagiaMoonlight still doesn’t make it your fault. I have those same feeling I have to fight. For me it’s I kept going back and enjoyed it, and as I got older still fantasized about it. But the truth is, we were kids. And then with your boyfriend, I don’t care if you were fooling around, no means no. He heard it, he just didn’t care. The truth is, I think we need to feel like we did have some control over the situation, because it makes it less scary. Don’t let yourself do that to you. You me and several others on here are survivors of abuse, and we need to cone to a place where we can sit with that. I know it only on a logical level not in my feelings, hopefully someday tho.
I totally get this. I am a sex addict that uses it to over come insecurities. I become over dominant and demanding because I feel the need to control. I have gotten much better in the past years but still slip into it. I always pushed the boundaries as far as I could knowing they didn't like it but as long as they said yes it was happening. I was so self conscious,probably because in my teenage years I had bad acne. I kept getting pretty girls in my 20's and could realize I was deserving of a pretty girl. I wasn't the acne teen anymore
@Ryan2452 I was really heavy as a kid people used to pick on me. Hell, I’m still heavy but now I know its not entirely a curse because I was skinny for a few years. I had to get hooked on diet drugs to get that…but I know what it was like now. I was not a good person when I was skinny. I had never had so much attention as I did during those few years and I didn’t know how to deal with it healthily. I wanted believe I was liked for my personality but the truth was they liked me because I had a hard time saying no and not letting people guilt me and manipulate my answers. All they saw was someone who was more classically pretty and it was just like I had victim written on my forehead. I lived those three years. Then I learned that I could be any size and guys would like me. Maybe not for the reasons I need but still…
After those few years were over I stopped having sex completely but learned to love vibrators. I went 10 years without flirting with anyone. I somehow shut it all off. Then this guy i worked with made it his mission to get me to do stuff with him. He became my friend and tricked me into caring about him. So we did the no strings attached thing minor stuff really but still stuff I knew I shouldn’t be doing…only for him to treat me like crap afterwards every time. He wouldn’t even so much as look at me the next day. Now he has a gf we all work together and I resent him because he chose her, he treats her nice, I was just trash he was playing around with.
Next guy I dated was worse. I met him online he came here and I paid for everything because he said he was broke. He had ED though so sex was pretty limited. I was a nice vacation
I have a whole history based around my unhealthy sexual choices and its taught me not to keep secrets because those are just things people will use against me. I had a fiance when I was 20 he used me for money. I helped remodel his house. I was so unhappy though. He was the first guy to like me after my rape and it turns out he didn't like me he just saw me as an opportunity. I almost killed myself because we were liv8ng in such filth and he never wanted to make it better. The house had flooded at one point and he tore up the carpet but couldn't find time to take all the rusty carpet tacks out of the floor so I had infections in my feet. He has 7 Un litter trained cats. He drank a 12 pack a day and each half empty can would sit around the house as an ash tray. When I was broke he sent me home. Then came back to the place we worked to rub his new gf, and her paycheck, in my face. It was down hill from there. I blew 5 guys I worked with, all with gfs and wives, in a camp ground while drunk only to have it get back to another married guy at work who blackmailed me into an affair. Or he would tell my dad who we all worked with and whom I live with.
But at the end of the day all my issues stem back to my dad. All he ever calls me is worthless and even though I can say he's joking I know I am a disappointment...God listen to me I am like a freaking encyclopedia of pain. Aren't i.
Today I have just been replaying my life in my head and it all hurts just as much as it did when it was happening. The last guy I dated was an obvious scammer but I was so desperate for affection. That I just played along and pretended it wasnt true. Unfortunately I did develop some feelings for him while we talked and it's left my heart so sore.
I know there have always been good people on this site.
@Griz75 I am feeling pretty good, it’s been super busy so far today but good. I spent the entire weekend lost in a book (well two books) and my soul feel lifted. How are you?
All of my relationships became sexual right away, and sex has been such a huge factor. The problem is, once the "magic" starts to fade, and the sex starts to drop off, I have such a hard time feeling secure and fulfilled in the relationship. I think I have an unhealthy relationship to sex in general. I tend to overemphasize it.
I always get pressured into sex way too early in a relationship. And i know that once it goes down that path its basically over because I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like I need to have sex with them all the time in order to keep them around, and if I say no they tend to get bored with me and look other places. I like sex, but I don't want that to be the foundation of every relationship I have. I want to just hang out with someone who can do that without thinking I owe them time inside my body...
I get you completely. I have faith there are people out there that are better than what we have been getting honey. We just have to find them.
@MagiaMoonlight you have it figured out i think, Just have to find the ones that will not pressure for sex and let it just happen. You can just enjoy them for them and not for the sex. I know too many put the pressure on sex right away. that is not right for everyone.
It’s understandable, i mean, my parents aren’t exactly the most normal people either… so when i interacted with what i had no experience with… it became addictive & coping…
It’s kinda funny tho, like u can’t tell this to a normal person, that u r like this… cuz ur parents r distant(they won’t get it) u can’t tell this to ur parents cuz ur parents simply aren’t there mentally to get it for some reason, & somewhere along the way, u give up on trying to reach them…
Yeah, it’s fucked up through & through… but it does feel great to get ur mind off of things tho… it’s not like things weren’t fucked up to begin with…
So credit where credit is due, i hate the experience & relationships we all have w porn, sex etc… but they’re not the real issue… maybe even saved most of us from suicide… or being more miserable…