Life is good
Good for you, at least you are aware of what your doing & I admire you for that (its part of the battle & learning WHY) is there something in your past history, genetic link, the way one is raised that they indirectly or directly learn all the wrong things for having a good relationship w/another human being, might be trust/intimacy issues too, your at a good place to find some of these lessons from others experiences w/the same feelings, there is no magic bullet from what I've experienced along the way, keep talking, I'm proud of you for at least attempting to share your story.
Take care of you
April
Shushshush. Good job just seeing the issue. I truly understand your issue. In many ways you and I share the same problems. I can tell for me that they all do start in my childhood: caused by abuse. I have been there the same as yourself. I have found myself waking up after having sex with as many as 6 or 7 men in a night, or having special interludes with many more. Its like a whirlwind that is not quite a nightmare, and not quite understood, only that you know it occurred and you want it to stop. There is a part of you that wants it, and wants it badly, and then there is the sane part that cries for hours for having even remembered the events......but as soon as we are alone, at night, in the dark, "it" comes back again.
Your not alone. Are you talking to a doctor? Therapist?
Hell no - I am not going to a doctor or therapist for this! There is no way I could go and talk face to face with someone about this! No fucking way! I am just now realizing this and coming to terms with what may have lead to this behavior. I am very involved in my community and have children - I can’t imagine what would happen if people found out I am really like this! And - since I am being brutally honest - I only regret it when the sex isn’t any good. If the sex is fucking awesome - then I am on a high for several days afterwards! I know - that is totally screwed up - but I get such intense pleasure during the actual sex - that I don’t even think about whether it is right or wrong. God - I am so screwed up! You know - I don’t even think of sex as “making love”. That phrase makes me roll my eyes. What I like is to straight up get fucked - and get fucked good. Tell me I am not totally alone in thinking this way and that I am not fucked up beyond all reason.
I understand the doctor thing. You are not ****ed up! It has taken a lot of time for me to even admit what has been going on in my life, most of which I was not even aware of until about two months ago. I am a very well respected geologist in my area, and as you very active in many community topics. So far though, other than my doctor, and my contacts here does anyone know of my past or my medical condition. My sexual behavior has been some of the most dangerous that there can be. I have lived as a TV prostitute for a 3 month period, I have walked the streets on two or three different area's of LA. Then one day woke up in bed with my two Russian pimps screaming at me to get my *** out of bed. No clue, how I got there, where I was, what country I was in. I had disappeared for 3 months! I am not gay, I am not molester, or any other type of label. As Matt, a man with a perpetual hard-on, I enjoy my sexual being and can't get enough sex. I do though supposedly have three other personalities, that have been brought to my attention: Matt-the care taker (whom is writing you now), Clarke- the rough and violent Marine who stores all our anger, knows welding, wood working,and Marcia- a very pretty blond women about 30ish whom is totally addicted to sex and can't get enough, then there is possibly the last guy a writer or very shy guy (the doctor thinks) I have never been in trouble with the law or involved with drugs. Through treatment I am beginning to understand that Marcia has to learn to live with three other guys in the same body.
I have seen some of what Marcia has done, and sometimes I can feel her words, her excitements, and tears. Some of the things that Marcia has done in the past upset me "Matt" as a man; however, those acts are what made Marcia happy (a very pretty and yet repressed and lonely women). She enjoyed them, and did so with my (our) body. I have probably have had more sex with men (as Marcia) than the average women does in her life time, during two different cycles for when Marcia was in-charge. I jokingly tell myself that I give the word slut a whole new meaning.
With that said, though I honesty think that you are enjoying yourself. If you were a man they would call you a stud. If Marcia were here right now most people would call her a *****, and a slut. I don't know if what I am telling you is good or not, but it is my most honest opinion from what I truly feel. But if you need to have a good **** two or three times a day with different men, and it makes you happy (and your practicing safe sex in terms of getting some funky decease), then what is wrong is other people, not you. Don't let others put their expectations upon you. Just watch out for the drinking thing. I am sure that Marcia would want to give you some advice, and I can honestly tell you that I am not at that point in my treatment to venture out on that limb. But for some reason when I read your information and comments it really struck home, and brought tears to my eyes for a moment. Not tears of sorrow, but some how tears of empathy. I think Marcia understands. You like some good ****, and a guy that knows whats he is doing and you know how to bring yourself to orgasm with it.
The idea of "love" equating to sex, or the term making love, has gotten convenient to use as a phrase to use in public. The one thing about having sex with whom ever you want, is that there is no bullshit emotional crap. Look at men, they just want to get their rocks off. No call you in the morning, lets plan our lives together stuff. Just a need to have fun. I know that for Matt, when he wants it, he goes and gets it. The truth that most men will not own to, because they are playing up to someone, is that, when they are horny,it doesn't matter with whom it is as long as they get off. If their is a spouse in the picture that is even better, but the truth be told all men are basic animals. If they say anything else they are a liar. Why not the expect the same for women? The reason why women are looked down upon for being promiscuous, is that man made the rules!
I know of places in LA where men or women go into a room and do what ever they want to each other sexually. In fact there are even clubs established around this concept. A guy can't say no, nor can a women say no. There are glory holes all over the place, and it would be quite common to see a man putting his **** through a "glory hole" and a man or women on the other side of the wall would be sucking on it. Like wise, a women might have her *** pressed against a similar hole in the wall and some guy would be ****ing her. No one knows anyone else, no one can see anyone else. Just sex for the purpose of sex. You go in and get what you want, then leave (obviously you pay $$ to belong to the club).
Again I don't know if what I have said is going to help or not. I know it is the truth in my hearts, and we don't think your ****ed up.
As long as you realize there are consequences then your home free.
I'd like to thank all of you for reaffirming what I already knew/learned & helping others to learn from this site.
Ross, I admire you for attempting to assist/help/convince others to realize certain issues in their life/world & I to attempted that same thing in '03 w/my never ending situation & learned these disorders have a mind of their own & w/my husband had to BACK OFF & never under estimate the power of it & go my own way......
Again thanks for the lesson, maybe others will see.
April