Hello my great friends,
It took me almost 6 months to write this post, I was wanting to write this for a looong time but just couldn't figure out what I wanted to say exactly. So, Ill just let the post write itself.
When i started in recovery---i apologized to my body for hurting it so much. I felt pangs of guilt that I had never felt when deep in the ED. I even remember last year staring into the mirror with such deep hatred it was like daggers in my reflection. I wanted to punish or hurt myself somehow. Now, it is quite the opposite. Oh, there are times i do hurt myself through working out too much, but i really do try to RESPECT the body that was given to me. It is a miraculous and woderful being, even if i dont like the way it looks. Our bodies are sacred, amazing, with so many organs that work in harmony with one another---now tell, me how amazing is that! All the organs know what to do with one another----are designed for our optimum health and liveliness. We have a beautiful immune system that helps defend invaders from the body, a digestive system to help us absorb nutrients into food, the amazing 5 senses, the wonderous muscular part of our body which helps us run and do things , the miraculous heart which pumps blood into every vein artery, and our incredilbe brains which help us think, give us our personality, and store information. And so much more!
Overall, it is a vast wonderous myriad of the amazing human body! During recovery, I began to respect my body not for what it looks like , but for the incredible being it is. When I would hurt it --I swear --I would hear my body say " Don't hurt me! I don't want to be hurt!". It sooo reminded me of a child screaming to stop hurting it and I was the abuser torturing it. So, I began to talk back to my body and say I AM SORRY. I am sorry for hurting you, for torturing you, for putting my organs through hell, for having my heart totally overwork itself, for killing my digestive system, and for destroying those many lovely vital organs inside of me that all work together for good. I almost cried when I first started recovery. I thogut about all the ABUSE I put myself through; my poor body in ruins. I feel sooooo GUILTY for hurting and amazing creation.
So, today, when I do something stupid like hurting my body subconsciously, I apologize to it and feel GUILT. This is my body given to me for GOOD. I shall not hurt or destroy it. And I listen to my body--and ask--what would you like? It sounds corny , but man, it WORKS and I use this in my recovery tool box. It is the beginnings of self love and respect. And when I hear my body cry--'Please dont hurt me" --I listen...sometimes it takes a while but I do. And I --in a way--'hug' myself as if hugging a child, a hurt child...
I one day hope to love the way it looks, I think that will happen in time. For now, I love it for its abilities and miraculous ways of it...
I still have hatred for myself, but as I learn to respect my body and care for it, I think that will go away in time....
This is me, the only me, I have a body that works wonders inside of me, and I shall NOT hurt it!
hope this helped someone,
Love
Maureen