Making bad decisions

I’m calling it borderline personality disorder for the toxicity of my thoughts and actions lately. Things are getting worse because of self medication and inviting people into my life that are more toxic than I am. Every interaction I have lately is just broken because I’m just pushing away more and more. Not sleeping, eating, or caring. Cutting people out of my life seems number one agenda lately. A lot of the people I love are getting outted for all of their inadequacies when in reality it’s me that refuses to work on myself. Pretty sure I have commitment issues and pretty bad self confidence allowing me to beat people to avoid doing it to myself. I need new influences or at least some ability to grab onto the old ones. I’m just good and standing by and watching my life slip away like a dumbass and I’m getting really tired of myself. My husband and son are amazing and even though they are immature and ridiculous a lot of the time, I am the one that is responsible for destroying everything. I yell all the time and tell them I am not mad. I’m sad and terrified and I just need someone to drag me out but no one around me has the time for my shenanigans and there are definitely things I need to be doing but I lack the energy to function every day without slipping into some kind of psychosis. Yes drugs are involved and I just don’t feel strong enough to fight it anymore and it may just end up taking me no matter how many times I say I’m sorry. I am sorry that I didn’t listen but I know myself and I usually just forget to do the right thing because I don’t spend enough time worrying about it until I just give up and wonder why I’m even here and what the hell am I doing. Pretty desperate at this point. I have a wonderful son that I don’t want to lose and there’s not many more people I can talk to because they don’t seem to understand just think I’m narcissistic and selfish. I hate that I turn out to be the bully and toxic and I hate to have so much effect on others because I am not good with meeting expectations at all. I usually ghost them. Let’s talk. I really need someone on my side and it’s definitely not me lately.

Welcome to SG! Being aware of a problem is the first step towards solving it. I hope we can help and I’m sure we all wish you the best of luck!

Hello @Maddyj1981,

Welcome to SG! Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly. It takes a lot of courage to express what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and it’s important to recognize that reaching out for help is a big first step. Remember, it’s okay to seek professional support, whether it’s a therapist or a counselor. They can provide guidance and help you develop healthier coping mechanisms. Surrounding yourself with positive influences and setting small, achievable goals each day might also make a big difference. Your husband and son love you, and it’s clear you care deeply about them too. Focus on taking things one day at a time, and don’t hesitate to lean on those who truly care about your well-being. You don’t have to face this alone. With love, SG

Thanks for replying. The real problem is that I am scared of taking all the steps needed and I will fail. Certain help hasn’t worked for me. I need enough support that I don’t need to be hospitalized or anything that separates my family more from me. I need to work on trying to take the steps to fulfill their needs and let go off all expectations because in a primarily ADHD household, ALL my plans are changed. I need a routine and I’ve tried to create one but it’s really hard to work on myself when I’m supposed to be accomplishing a whole lot more than I think I’m capable of. I’ve got too high of expectations and I don’t ever do anything the simple way. I have trouble listening to my husband because I don’t understand any of his words. He’s a giant puzzle and it’s really hard to solve. This will be our 10 year anniversary but we’ve been together 13 years and it really is the worst thing ever being with someone until death. My husband is my family and that will never change, He always means well but the things that I observe is that I didn’t hold him up like I was supposed to do.