Hi all... It's been a while since I've last posted... I've been going through so much lately, had 2 months of exams, and am on vacation now but working at home in the US.
It's so hard being home again. I used to get along great with my mother but now it seems that she's trying her best to find every flaw of mine and tells me to 'fix it'- she tries to act like my therapist but all she does is repeat these negative comments of hers, and finds ways- any way to incorporate it into any conversation we're having.
I'm having such a hard time with my ED lately. I feel like I'm over eating, I feel fat. I restrict, binge, let's just say recovery is foreign- nothing feels balanced. My mind is going crazy, I have no one to talk to and this is all I think about. What I've eaten, what I'll eat- how many calories, how much I need to restrict, whether I can have this or that and what I should do the next day... When my plan fails my mind goes even more crazy!
I just don't know what to do anymore... I feel disgustingly fat and bloated all the time. I'm afraid that I can no longer control how much food I eat, whether I should have dessert, and kick myself when I have a few bites of a dessert. I just hate this feeling and don't know how to stop it!!
TJ,
Recovery is not a comfortable feeling... It's unsettling... But if you stick with it, it does get easier... BALANCE becomes the new "rule". ♥ So, these feelings are normal... I am concerned, however, by your continuing restriction... I know you must FEEL like you're overeating, but as long as you're bingeing, you're clearly NOT eating enough... Restricting and bingeing... That is a horrible ED cycle in which to be stuck... You CAN break it! ♥ Are you following a meal plan? For me, that really has helped me recognize the "right" amount of food. I got off track SLIGHTLY the last few weeks, and it's amazing to me how QUICKLY Ed sneaks back in... I'm hanging on to my MP right now... Even forcing myself to eat the last calories at 9:00 p.m., on a comfortably full stomach, something I NEVER do... But... It's all in the name of recovery. ♥ And THAT is worth the discomfort... :)
Much love to you, TJ!
Jen
Jen, thanks for the help. I'm not exactly on a meal plan anymore, I'm back home - no therapist or dietitian. But now I know how important she is- I've been thinking that she's pretty useless and doesn't really help me and decided I wouldn't go back upon my return. I thought that I'd be fine and in fact I hadn't realized how helpful it can be.
What exactly do you talk about with your dietitian? I'm never sure what our meetings are supposed to cover...
Taylor...I also encourage you to find professional help. It sounds as if your eating is chaotic, which is likely causing the continuing obsessions with food...your body is NOT getting adequate or consistent nutrition!!
A meal plan is valuable if you follow it...an anchor.
Never give up!!
Jan ♥
Hi Jan, I do have professional help, it's just that I had to put that on pause as I'm away for vacation... Didn't realize how much it helped until now...
TJ,
My nutritionist weighs me. She goes over my food journal and asks questions. My journal has my hunger ratings, foods, times, and feeling/thoughts/moods. I sometimes track my anxiety, and sometimes my calories and fat info. (I'm being weaned off the latter...) We discuss the last couple of weeks and set goals for the next couple. She also reassures me. ♥ A lot. ;0)
Yes, I hope you'll continue working with your dietician. When will you be back at school?
Love,
Jen
That's really interesting, thank you Jen. My dietitian just gives me MPs and weighs me. My problem is as I'm a student I don't have much time to cook so choices are slim unless I go out to eat which also has its own problems... She tells me sometimes that such and such food is fine and that eating more is good for my metabolism and things... I just find that I get really frustrated by her comments and hate seeing her- I would like to change but my clinic is small and I doubt they have another one. I don't want to change clinics because I like my therapist so much. Maybe I should talk to my dietitian about doing more than just giving me MPs... I just wouldn't know what to say though. Perhaps ask her what else we're supposed to do... I don't know. I go back to school in Sept. so I'll see then I guess...
Hey TJ,
Do whatever you feel is neccessary for your recovery. Think about what the others have been offered and see would them areas help any?
Is that it is only a way street, that you don't get to give her any feedback on how you are getting on with the MPs?
Wishing you the very best hun
Love to you
MG x
TJ,
I agree with MG. I think you should definitely feel free to talk to your dietician openly. Remember that you have hired her to help you. If you don't feel like you're getting what you need, then you should absolutely speak up. :) You might want to talk to your therapist about your concerns, too. I hated having to switch therapists; it felt like my progress really stagnated while I was building a new relationship. Tough stuff. Everyone will have different styles, of course. My nutritionist is currently on maternity leave. I've only met with her sub once, but she mostly asked me about my regular nutritionist's method of working with me so this transition will be smooth. I wonder what she normally does with her regulars?? Interesting... :)
Hope you're doing well! Love to you. :)
Jen
Hi MG,
I'm just unsure what a dietitian is supposed to do other than just giving MPs, I'm not sure how to act with her and what to ask... Honestly, I feel like it's kind of useless if she just gives me meal plans. Sometimes I'm a bit embarrassed to ask her questions too, I don't know why.
Thanks for the advice :)
Well I am unsure has to how dieticians work as I have never had one, but maybe others could answer some questions as to what has helped her and if you think that could help you.
Don't be embarrased, if this is going to make things easier. I'm sure your dietician would also benefit from this too, and only wants to see progress in her patients.
You're doing great hun, keep up the good work.
Love to you
MG x
Mmm... As a very WISE woman told me recently, (Jan! ♥) I need to "learn to ask questions!" :) You, too!! This whole strategy of navigating life by NOT asking, NOT sharing, keeping everything internal, hiding anything that might be judged... It's not healthy... ♥ It's time for us to learn to use our voices. To ask for what we need. ♥
Love,
Jen
ME? Hmmm....my words are only wise if YOU apply them to action....and you have! You are too kind....
It is true....learning to ask for what we need, to accept that everyone has needs, and to be proactive in our own lives is key to recovery! Take care...Jan ♥
Thank you Jen and Jan! I will try to learn how to ask questions, I guess that begins with knowing what I'd like to be informed of... I'll keep that all in mind :)
I used to be afraid (and often got mad) at my dietitian...because really, she's the one dealing with food.
But I often asked her questions about different types of foods, even my concerns with certain foods. If it was "okay" to eat certain things and how to incorporate enjoyable things into my diet.
She also gave me suggestions to set food goals. Like adding something into the week, or facing a fear food.
Really, I discussed any anxieties I had about certain foods, and she made me feel a lot better about things.
Once you get past that "she's the enemy" mentality, a whole new world will be opened.
I hope you'll find the help you need :)
Very true...gaining trust of the professional you are working with takes a bit of time, but it's critical in order to take those 'risks' and face the fears that are holding you back. There truly is a whole new world of freedom out there....go for it!! Jan ♥
That's a good idea, I just didn't know what exactly her role was. It was easy to figure out with the therapist- especially if she just starts talking and you follow along. But I never really knew where I stood with the dietitian. Thanks for the eye opener!