slight tw
Ever since my dad cheated on my mom early last year, she’s been “off” in a way, not really sure how to describe it, it’s like she gets more easily angered and frustrated. Today, she randomly got mad at me for saying I was stressed because I had a lot of homework. She always used to say that she doesn’t care that he cheated (they never had a good relationship) but she’s always getting frustrated over little things these days and brings up what my dad did to basically all of her friends. Like sure, you “don’t care.” I feel like she doesn’t even care about my feelings and she always says I don’t care about her feelings and that I don’t help out enough even though I do. She keeps saying that I’m selfish, ungrateful and that I would know what it’s like to feel the way she feels once she’s gone forever. She always says she does so much for me and I never do anything for her, but the things she talks about are basic parenting things that should be done, it’s nothing special. But every time I do help out with chores or whatever, she doesn’t acknowledge it. She kept talking about how no one cares about her anymore but yet, she still has a ton of friends she talks to almost every day. She’s always asking how her friend’s kids are doing to the point where it feels like she doesn’t even care about her own kid’s feelings anymore because she never asks about mine. Then, she talks about how she’s “so depressed” like I was depressed way before her, but I don’t bring it up because I know she’s just going to say she has it worse than me. I don’t get it, what does she want me to do??
I dont think that she is expecting you to do anything. The only thing i can think of is just acknowledge her and her feelings. but nothing else. She sounds like she is struggling with the effects from your dad cheating on her and how she really feels about i. It is on her to deal with and fix her feelings, not you.
That’s really the problem with cheating, it seems like such a minor thing when you really think about it; but it really does do some damage when you are on the wrong end of it.
Of course, any pride you have left after being cheated on is never going to let you admit that it did said damage because that is like admitting that the other person hurt you, or that you even ever cared enough about them to allow what they did to hurt you.
If you are ever cheated on (and I hope you aren’t) this will all make more sense. Its hard to understand how betrayed you really feel when someone you loved makes that choice. When they choose someone else over you. When someone you genuinely thought you loved and trusted outright betrays that trust for what was probably a cheap fling. When they choose someone else over the family that they have built with you. Its hard to understand the rawness that comes with your reality being shattered, and them basically telling the world that their life with you never mattered.
Your mom probably has some self worth issues, and because she doesn’t want to give your dad any more power over her (she needs needs to keep some semblance of self preservation), she has just chosen to live in denial about the trauma of the situation. She doesn’t want to really think about how she feels because its going to make her feel weak and sad; so she clings to bitterness and anger because those emotions are just easier than the other ones she’s suppressing.
Regardless, she should not be putting any of it on you. That isn’t right because you have done nothing wrong. What might be happening is that in some ways, considering he is your dad, you might just remind her of him and she hasn’t figured out how to separate what she feels for you versus what she feels for him. If that makes any sense.
Again that isn’t your fault, she shouldn’t be displacing her negative feelings for your dad onto you nor should she be making you feel guilt about the sad state of her life right now.
Unfortunately all you can do is continue to wait it out and hope that when she is talking about it with her friends that she is processing it out in her mind as well so that she can heal. For some people that can take years. In the meantime, try not to let the cruel things she says leave any trauma on you. Her issues are not your issues and just because your mom is damaged it doesn’t mean that she has the right to pass her damage onto you.
Somewhere inside her she probably truly does love you, and she would be devastated if anything happened to you. She just can’t really allow herself to feel the love right now because love and pain are synonymous for her at the moment. Hang in there!
Thanks for the advice! I just don’t get why she would say she doesn’t care he cheated, but act like it does. She’s always saying she doesn’t care but I can tell she clearly does because it’s like her attitude towards a lot of things regarding him and me has changed and the way she acts towards her friends and the rest of our/his family, it feels like she clearly does care.
In short, she does and she is lying when she says she doesn’t–mainly to herself though. She doesn’t want to admit that he had enough power over her to hurt her as badly as he did because when he did that he shattered every part of her reality including her self worth because she probably had too much of it tied up in that relationship to begin with. Its easier to act like you don’t care. Although it does make healing more challenging.
Your mom must feel stomped on and as a parent, I get how hard it is to do all the parenting stuff and it has to be even harder when she doesn’t feel loved or appreciated. Maybe you can just try to show her a little affection and tell her, I see a lot more than you realize and you deserve better. It sucks having to be the adult, I was that kid too, it isn’t fair, but right now your mother is grieving whether she realizes it or not and needs to be loved through this devastating time.
You deserve to be loved and cared for and I am sorry that your parents have really failed you, I know how hard that is, your story seems very similar to mine and it was not a joyful childhood.