I am the mother of a 46 year old daughter who has always lived with me. She has cerebral palsy with developmental delay. Her cerebral palsey effects her legs (she walks with a cane) and she has extreme back pain. Her intelligence is low average. Her developmental delay shows in emotional and psychological problems. She is able to work as a secretary and seems to get along with everyone there. She goes to church and has many friends there also. Everyone sees her as a very sweet person and she is well liked by everyone.
Even though she has this sweet appearance, she can be a totally different person if she does not get exactly what she wants from me. She wants my total attention and is jealous if I give any attention to anyone else, even her best friend. She accuses me of caring more for her friend than I do for her. She has disowned this friend (they have been best friends since they were in kindergarten together) and turned totally against her and refers to her in the meanest terms and calls her all sorts of names.
This is just the latest problem. I noticed when she started through puberty that she changed completely. Whenever she gets mad at me over something, she goes into an absolute RAGE. She has thrown things at me and once totally trashed her own bedroom. When these episodes happen, she usually stays in her bedroom and won't even come out to eat.for two or three days. Another part of this same thing, is that she remembers every little thing that she says you did to her (usually these are very little things or things that she has exaggerated in her mind). When she gets mad, she will bring up things that happened 20 years ago. They may or not be true, but they are real to her. For example, when she got into this recent fight with her girlfriend, she brought up things that happened when they were in kindergarten.
She is offended over things that wouldn't bother anyone else. For example, the thing that caused her to get mad at her friend, was that her friend told me that she didn't like the way my daughter spoke to me and she was afraid that she might hurt me because my daughter threatened to hit me with her cane one time. My daughter saw this as a betrayal. She said that her friend should her told her that; not me. She felt that her friend had come between her and I. She was mad at me because I didn't tell her friend to talk to her about it. Her position is that she was betrayed by both her friend and me. This is just an example of the irrational way she thinks.
She is very paranoid and easdrops on my phone conversations. She recently overheard me talking to her brother on the phone. I mentioned that they were having a baby shower for one of her friends at work and she wanted me to take her shopping for a gift (she doesn't drive). I said something about the fact that they sure have alot of parties where she works and that her father joked that "if the cat throws a fur ball, they have a party". She was furious with me because she took it as a criticism of her friends and not respectful of the girl who is having the baby.
To make a long story short, I go around my own house walking on egg shells not knowing what is going to set her off. I have to go in the bathroom or outside to talk on the phone. I have to be careful of every little thing I say or do. Even though we go out alot and go to concerts and rock shows together (I'm 77, but I actually enjoy them), she gets mad if I won't take her long distances or drive at night in unfamiliar places. We go to at least one or two concerts a month, still she says I never take her anyplace any more.
Anyway, I'm at the end of my rope and I desperately need someone to talk to. I can't talk to family members or friends about this, so I'm hoping I can find "friends" in this group who might be able to offer some ideas and support.