is there anything more inspiring than *alanis morrisette*? sometimes i simply need the anger and pain of certain music to help me release a sing-scream, you know? *the cure* provides a cathartic release as well.
in order for my therapist to be able to continue seeing me and in order to re-route my path away from treatment, i have been working on a mp. the past few months i have resisted all efforts steering me in this direction. why? hmmm. fear of failure? fear of fullness? fear of developing extreme compensatory behaviors? fear of not being able to stop once i start eating? fear of weight gain? all of the above? HOW ABOUT LIVING IN THE MOMENT, AMY! right. one moment at a time... one bite at a time.
when i allow myself to truly listen to this plea, i feel overwhelming shame. this is a basic need that i am struggling with. just write out the mp and follow it. sounds simple... yet it is anything but.
as i focus on consistency and balance, the magnification of this beast is becoming an intense tyrant. my beastly-visceral self-attacks are quick and leave no survivors. i'm left feeling humiliated and sick and frustrated.
i have been so disallusioned high upon my pedistal as i divinely spread love, kindness, and veganism. i've taken a closer look-- and my pedistal is actually my ivory tower prison; and that proclaimed love and kindness has never made it's way directly into MY actual life. thinking i have some sort of vegan, clean life- i see that i consume barely anything, or i go mad for my cravings. peanut butter has made its way to the top my craving list... undoubtedly due to my complete LACK of dietary fat. following a mp when my soul is accustomed to my erratic cycles, my emptiness-chasing, my very little consumption, my lack of dietary fat, and my very REAL tendencies toward feeling physically, viscerally sick- following a mp that is shadowed by a great many personal components has been shatteringly difficult. i just need to scream! [and cry]
thank you, alanis morrisette, for helping me to release the s-c-r-e-a-m that is building in me. and thank you, my sisterhood, for reading my wailing that has resulted from such a s-c-r-e-a-m.
music is its own therapy - but different songs and genres hold different meanings for different people. there are songs I cant listen to without remembering loved ones who have passed - but all cries are good cries, and songs that remind me of the great things i do have
I too love Alanis Morrisette. I did not know she recovered from ED???
Amy: You are doing great. I know it helps you to write your feelings out (and so eloquently always) on this site and it always gives me a boost reading them
And... read your status and I am right there with you. Lost part of the roof on the condo, and stuff is everywhere in the yard! Spent half the day in the basement at work. But better than what they got in Illinois. Boy was this scary.
Hope you did not have too much damage, my friend!
thank you maureen, lilac, and saskatoondoug for reading my struggles...
molly, hon-
can i work as your ***istant? i'm within walking distance of the river that separates us... is that close enough?
and all is well here. not much damage from the wind storms. what will happen with your roof? will your hoa take care of it?
doing great? really? are you REALLY reading what i am writing? sure, i'm going to therapy more often. sure, i reluctantly agreed to try a mp only b/c i have been *theatened* with being dumped by my therapist and with being sent to treatment. one would think that those two threats would light the fire that would push me to follow a mp.
each attempted step forward [more therapy, agreeing to a mp, being more honest...] seems to throw my *** several steps back. battered and bruised, i am frustated and in a bit of pain...
molly, i do appreciate you cheering me on. i hesitate to accept any of it simply due to my backward mobility.
namaste, my sisters...
xoxo
Amy: Minor damage to my roof and yes it's covered. I feel very fortunate considering the impact of those storms.
To me, it does seem like you are making great progress, maybe because I am not. Honestly, I just have not had the emotional energy to do the hard work it takes. That's what I see you doing; the hard and painful work recovery requires. To me, that's great progress even if you are taking steps "backwards" from time to time, at least you are trying and making changes that will help you to recover.
I just need to get back on track. I let work be my excuse always for slipping. The truth is everytime I start to gain weight, I panic and resort to my usual coping mechanism of over-exercising.
So it's good for me to see other's working hard as it reminds me that I need to do the same.
And Lord yes, I would love to have you as my assistant. I just got a temporary employee which should help a bit as I had two resignations in two weeks in my area.
molly, girlie--
i'm grateful for your explanation... and understand all too well how other activites can be great excuses for slipping. and panic? hell yes, i get that also. my system SNAPS and references my dysfunctional coping as well.
i've been pretty focused on moving and on this fucking mp that i haven't taken the time to really see and appreciate all that i have actually done in the effort to move forward. yes, i have made many changes that have been hard work: i moved. i am getting insurance. my family knows. my ex-hub knows. i'm going to therapy more often. and instead of losing my fucking mind over the possibility of treatment or of being dumped by my therapist, i agreed to try a mp. i suppose b/c the mp is far more challenging than expected, my tunnel-vision has not allowed me to see anything else.
thank you for helping me to see that i truly am making some efforts- that were lost in in the shadows of this ominous mp.
namaste, my sister
xoxo