Thanks in advance to whoever reads this.
I met my best friend during our university years, when he moved into my country to study. Now that he’s close to graduating, he’s searching for jobs in his own country. He prefers his life here, but working here would require him to do certain military obligations that will set him back 6 months, so he’s trying to avoid that. A few days ago, he went to his own country as he does every summer, and I know he’s actively looking for jobs there. It isn’t 100% certain that he will get the jobs he’s applying for, but I believe that he will, which will mean he will stay there.
I love my best friend very much and I want him to be happy and successful in his life. And, yet, I am heartbroken. He has been one of the best things that happened in my life, one of the best people I’ve ever met. He has supported me through thick and thin, he has always been such a great friend. We opened up to each other, we travelled together, played board games for hours, entertained thought experiments, studied together. We used to see each other every day at university. And, now that he left and will probably never come back, I feel like a part of me was taken away. Maybe I’ve depended too much on his kindness for my mental well-being. I’ve been crying every day since he left. He will come back on September for some obligations with our university, but he won’t stay if he has found a job until then. And I have found myself wanting him to fail and come back. I want him to be happy and successful here, not so far away. I want to be able to hang out with him and have him in my life. And I LOATHE myself for wishing that. He has supported me in so many things, and yet here I am, wanting him to fail for my egotistical reasons. I feel like a terrible friend.
Add to that the fact that my job searching isn’t going so well. This fact makes me jealous of him, angry at myself, and, most importantly, gives me more uncertainty for the future. An uncertain future is even worse if I know my best friend won’t be in it. I feel like I’m living a nightmare. I’ve been crying and hurting. Doing things every day takes double the time it did because I simply can’t motivate myself to do them. Which, in turn, makes the job searching part harder. And so the cycle repeats.
I told my best friend that I want him to succeed but that I’ll really miss him and that I’m really sad that he’s going away. I wouldn’t have said anything (wouldn’t wanna hold him back), but he knows me very well, he knew I was always afraid that this day would come, so I was honest with him. Of course, I won’t tell him the extent of how terrible I feel, I don’t want him to feel guilty. He did promise to keep in touch, to have some video calls, he said that I’ll always be his best friend and we said we’d visit each other for important events like weddings, graduation ceremonies etc. I appreciate it, but I have experienced with many important friends how distance eventually makes friendships fade. He told me he hasn’t ruled out returning here at some point, because he does prefer it here. But, if he starts building his life in his own country, finding new friends there, maybe even a girlfriend and perhaps starting a family, returning here will be a lot less likely. I’m trying not to hope for that, because this hope will make it much worse for me.
My relationship with my family isn’t the best, so I can’t hope to find support there. My friends, him included, are the family I’ve chosen, and losing one of them feels like I’m facing a loved one’s death. I do have other good friends and also a great boyfriend. I have opened up to them a bit, but, even though I love them very much, they can’t fill the void and they can’t help me much, besides listening to my worries. My best friend understood me better than anyone, but this matter is about him and I won’t burden his new beginning in life with my egotistical worries. If I stay depressed and filled with sorrow, I’m afraid I’ll ruin my other relationships as well. I do my best to act normal, but I have found myself more irritable these days. I feel like I’ll blow up at some point. I dont want to lose control like this. I’m trying my best to control it, act normally and move on with my life but, so far, I can barely function.
I don’t want to find new friends anymore. I don’t want to connect with anyone on such a deep level anymore because it’s so painful when life moves forward and they go away. I’ve experienced this pain before and I’m still not used to it. It hasn’t got better.
I’m hurting so much.