Sometimes I just sit and wonder where life is taking me. I have always struggled finding things or people I love and genuinely care about. Where have they all gone? I often feel panic randomly, especially in class, my heart racing. It feels as if it is just going to explode. It sounds loud to me but no one can hear. I sit and freeze, wondering what to do. Gathering courage to ask to go to the restroom to just shake it off and control your breathing. aloud. I hate when that happens. Not sure why but its often. I try sports, volleyball. Something I often enjoyed until I made the team. I stopped trying, failed classes, benched, so the coach stopped putting me on court. Understandable, who would want someone who thinks like me out there. 2 days ago I was finally put on court again, starting. It all felt fake. I didn’t feel real. I felt as if I was so bad but coach thought otherwise. I often wonder how it feels to not think so negative. I often wonder where my life has gone. When is it getting better? Is it ever going to? I think not. People stopped talking to me why? I always ask myself why? I know I am the problem. I am always the reason why. Is it because I don’t have the humor everyone loves and has? Is it because I dont talk as often? They dont know their the reason ive gone distant. Why couldn’t I be younger again. When I didn’t worry, when life was just so perfect. I never knew what suicide was. Now its all I think about. What is the point? I want to ask for help but i dont know how. Everyone thinks of it as attention seeking, or pick me behavior when you genuinely need help. When did the world become like this? So cruel they bring you down so much you have no option but to self harm. Oh I wish I could stop. The urge never stops after the first time. It is all a never ending circle. Oh to be a kid again. When will the voices stop.
Hi friend,
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, and I can tell from your words just how heavy everything feels right now. Life can be so overwhelming, especially when it feels like you’re trapped in your own thoughts with no way out. It’s clear you’re dealing with a lot—between the panic attacks, feeling disconnected from the people around you, and struggling to find a sense of belonging or peace. It’s exhausting, and I hear you.
The feeling of your heart racing in class, the panic, and then freezing—that’s not something you should have to go through alone. Panic attacks can feel so isolating, like the world keeps moving around you while you’re stuck in place, but you’re not alone in that. So many people experience similar things, even if it doesn’t seem that way. It takes courage to acknowledge it, and you’re already doing that by talking about it here.
I know you mentioned feeling distant from others and wondering if you’re the reason why, but from what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of pain on your own for a long time. When you’re in that space, it’s easy to feel disconnected or like people are pulling away, even when they might not understand what you’re going through. Sometimes, they don’t know how to reach out or support you, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be heard and cared for.
Volleyball, school, everything can feel so fake when your mind is full of those heavy thoughts, but just because you’re struggling right now doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of being on the court or anywhere else. It sounds like you’ve lost a lot of joy in things that used to matter to you, and that’s really hard. But there’s no shame in struggling or in feeling lost. You’re doing the best you can, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
As for the thoughts of suicide and self-harm, I know how crushing it can feel when you can’t seem to escape them. But even when it seems like things won’t get better, they can. Reaching out for help is never “attention seeking.” It’s brave. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve support. People who tell you otherwise don’t understand the depth of what you’re going through.
I really hope you can find the strength to talk to someone you trust—a friend, a counselor, a family member. You don’t have to carry this alone. And while it feels impossible now, there is hope for things to get better, even if it’s hard to believe. You matter, your voice matters, and the world is better with you in it.
If you need someone to listen, people will be there. It’s not too late to reach out. We are here for you. With love, SG
Thank you so much I really needed to hear that.