I have never posted on anything like this before so I hope I do OK and don't offend anyone.
I lost my dad to cancer in 1984. My younger brother who was also my best friend was killed in 2000 in a car accident. My mom developed Alzheimer's at the age of about 58-60 (sorry I'm a little fuzzy about her age on that one) and gave up the battle after about 12 years. She died this past December. My dog (who I got to help me to cope with my brother passing) developed cancer and I had to put him down in March. This may sound totally screwed up but in some ways I loved the dog more than anybody I have ever been close to. My older brother is a ticking time bomb and has had a deffective heart valve since he was born. He had some surgery last year to replace the valve and had to be paddled or shocked back to life.
I have been married three times and every single one of my ex-wives cheated on me. I feel like if I would have been closer to them none of the cheating would have ever happened.
To make a long story short I am trying to deal with all the losses I have had in my life and I am afraid to get too close to anyone now. My current relationship is being tested daily because of my fear and ability to get too close. One minute I am so into her and the next minute I am trying to push her away. It is driving her crazy and she is at the point now where she is starting to give up. I really do love this woman but I fear that she and I will be seperating shortly. I know she loves me because she has asked me to seek counseling and support. I don't know if it's too late or not but I really want her to love me again.
Has anyone else been in simular situations and can help me on what I need to do to help the situation and salvage what I have messed up?
Dear Whucks, You are far from the only one who has had losses and difficult relationships. Before I share some of my tragic experiences I want you to know as long as you are breathing it is never too late to seek and get help. This is a wonderful first step, reaching out annonimously to others who can relate and share common experiences.
I have had my share of losses. My first love was 3 years of High School and I expected we'd be married following graduation. A friend saw him with another girl, end of that story. My next relationship ended after a 5 year marriage and a little boy who was two when I became too afaid that my husbands affairs and drug abuse may result in loosing my son. 3 years later I married my 2nd husband who had two sons and adopted mine. We raised the three boys together and they are a true blessing to me to this day. A few years later my only brother died from drug abuse at age 34. Two months after I turned 50 and 23 years of marriage, I caught my husband making unmistakable comment to his mistress and our divorce was the following year. 3 months after the divorce I married a widower of 6 months. He was a fellow Shriner of my Dads and I was impressed that he called him to ask permission to date me. He convinced me he only wanted to live to make me happy, 9 months later it ended in divorce. Neither of us had healed from our losses and it was a disaster. I was fortunate that I could finally forgive my husband of 23 years and was able to establish a dear friendship where we could rely on each other until his unexpected death last April. I feel had I gotten relationhip help earlier I could have avoided most of this pain. I feel your girlfriend is insiteful and may be on the right track. Everyone isn't out to betray us and she may be worth working for. My strong recommendation is not to give up on her or yourself until you've tried everything. This comes from someone who has had her heart broken too many times too. I wish you all the best and hope something I shared helps. Hugs, Raylene
Thank you Raylene
I am sorry that you had to go through all the hurt and loss.
I started seeing a counselor last week and have another appointment this week as well.
I really want to trust my girlfriend and repair the damage I already caused with my lack of trust.
As long as someone is willing to work with you and stay with you while you get help, they're always worth you trying for. If you feel like she worth still trying for, go for it! Don't look back tomorrow and regret that you didn't put in the effort you wanted to.
Thank so much for sharing what you are going through. Thank you for taking the courage to ask for support! I absolutely acknowledge that you are a brave and loving soul for facing all the loses and looking to move forward! Thank you!
i have a few questions for you that may help you into the journey of discovery of your root cause, at the state of your deep emotions and believe systems;
1. What is it that you have done so wrong that you need to punish yourself by not being loved? recall the very 1st memory of you feeling guilty due to love or lost due to love. it maybe possibly around your childhood time.
The 1st thought/answer that comes out usually is the one.
2. Are you willing to forgive yourself for all the non pleasant experience that you go through?
SAY YES!
3. Are you willing to forgive all the people around you whom may have done you wrong?
Say YES!
in the process, please allow yourself to let go, and express all the feelings that come out in a safe and quiet place, possibly with a friend whom you feel safe with to share all your feelings. :)
u are among friends here and im sure u have already been given lots of positive advice already.
it just leaves me to add dont forget to see a doctor cos your body might be in need of an overhaul due to the stress u have suffered, face to face groups are a good way of working thru your problems as well
but u are not alone these things happen more than people think they do