I was talking to someone about siblings and mine hasn’t spoken to me in awhile, do you think you can both survive a Narc dad without just coming out really screwed up? People in my family tell me all the time it is kind of amazing how normal I am. Nice, but totally scary how people see me as dodging everything well as my skill set.
1 Heart
I feel like people who have been victimized by narcs become masters of dodging. When your constantly avoiding a narcs rage/abuse you can’t help but become guarded. I worry it makes it hard for us to connect with or trust people though.
2 Hearts
That is a good point, it also makes me feel more sad. Maybe she will come around one day.
I think we learn survival skills that later serve us well in some ways but not in others. I’m often told how serene my affect is, but the reason for that is I learned from an early age that expressing emotions that were inconvenient resulted in beatings. I also learned to read peoples’ affect really well and anticipate their needs, which makes me a very good friend and partner, but if I’m not also careful about negating my own needs then that can become really unhealthy really quickly.
1 Heart
After all the years of being married to a narc I had basically given up on even having any needs. I was forced to give up on all my hobbies, interests and all my friends. My whole life was just trying to keep happy… which was of course impossible. I lived in constant fear of her anger. I still do. I just want to be free from this emotional prison. I had a dream the other day where I actually was able to tell her what I thought of her and it felt so good. I know as soon as our youngest is old enough and I am able actually cut her out of my life completely she will try to destroy me in any way she can. Its just really hard to feel good about anything with all of this hanging over my head.
3 Hearts
That is wow, I was always the peace maker, my family wasn’t physically abusive, mentally, yes, but I just felt my sister and I had bonded. But now I feel like I worked so hard not to piss her off that maybe it was just all bound to explode at some point.
Maybe when your youngest is in college she will have moved on to another victim. My dad supposedly is on wife 4 or 5. I haven’t been in contact for years, but I hear things from other family from time to time.
1 Heart
I just noticed in my last post I said I was “just trying to keep happy” what I meant was just trying to keep HER happy. I can be a bit dyslexic and leave words out when typing. It feels like my ex still thinks she can get her life with me back after realizing that the grass was not only not greener on the other side but it was just a dirt patch filled with garbage. I honestly cant even look at her after all the terrible things she has done during and after our marriage.
I think we become excellent at masking, we’ve been programmed to act so very normal and hide the narcissist person’s abuse to the point that no one believes us anyways. So yes, one thing Ive been struggling is that we appear so very high functioning, so happy, so empathetic, and no one really understands that what would be good qualities to have for someone who has NOT experienced abuse, is actually a symptom of the abuse we have experienced. So therapists perceive you as high functioning and having it all together, high achiever, intelligent, witty, funny, athletic whatever-- and it’s just one more way we arent seen because it’s our way of trying desperately to fit in and people please and we seen as worthy. But I think it comes down to you, if you are able to connect emotionally to people, be vulnerable, be able to get angry, be able to disagree, be able to sit with people’s emotions and avuse experiences without negating them or being triggered yourself----those are signs of healing. If you are able to be happy, laugh, have a full range of emotions, feel empowered and feel you are leading a life of passion and equality, Id say you’re doing amazing. But only you know where ypu are on those measures. Just my perspective. People dony always realize healing means able to feel anger abd express it, but it is. balance .
2 Hearts
I mean that is more than fair, I have no desire to see my father ever again.
This is so amazing and very eye opening. I think I am very honest and “normal” with most people, but with with sister, I was always trying not to rock the boat. I was thinking last night, wow, I was trying not to rock the boat so much I was basically in the water in this analogy.
1 Heart
yea, I think sometimes love/perspective taking / empathy for the person & fear of abandonment can play a role. But the other side is you sacrifice the relationship itself.
I can understand about you mentioning your sibling. I love mine a lot, but the fear of confrontation made us cold & resentful towards eachother. We finally had a fight, in 2021 we lived together without my parent around, and she said mean things which hurt me a lot (that Im selfish & only think of myself—she was in middle of arguments between my mother and me trying to be neutral all through high school/uni).
That made me keep my space. then a couple months ago i told her how that made me feel etc. and that vulnerability actually helped a bit. we both said we care about eachother and are welcome to call. but she never did after that time (which was the first time she called me).
Looking back now a decade after, I can see that people that age of uni/high school are literally children. It wasnt my job to be a parent to my parent. But I was. I took care of her emotional needs, but my sister took care of her own emotions. She felt pretty unseen. She was depressed too. As kids we’re more emotionally mature than our parent. I would often point out the insane things my mother was doing, like screaming, or comparing us to other kids (including my bully), or how she criticised my appearance. My sister sort of blames me for the reason my mom was upset. I was “rocking the boat” as you stated about your fear.
I had to stand up to her a little bit a month ago when we were pretty distant a d let her know how distant I feel. Because the distance was getting to a point of no return. for xmas she sent me a tablet, one for herself too, and at first I felt happy, but then told her if I can send it back to her since it felt too expensive.It was a whole thing and a lot came out about our connection. But that conversation healed things a bit because she said she sent it with love. And that she shouldnt have said that I was selfish and self centered that time jn 2021 (I doubted she meant that, but at least it was a place to start something with respect).
Im realizing now as I write this, how little respect they have had for me. Showing your emotions, telling the truth, pointing out how toxic behavior has been, makes you the bad guy, but whats worse is to live in a delusion all together. at least now things are slowly shifting towards respect. i refuse to tolerate bad behaviour anymore and point it out which has been hrlping. you have to have a falling out before you can find a new way to fit together. Isnt perfect, we arent close, but at least we know love exists.
Oh hun, wow, you are so wise and the things you wrote makes my heart hurt. My sister is almost 8 years younger than me, I felt like her third parent. Her life choices are world’s apart from mine, we look very dissimilar, people all the time were like, are you sure you have the same dad-to my knowledge, yes. She said such hurtful things. It isn’t that I don’t want a relationship, I just don’t know how to make a relationship work anymore.
1 Heart
That age gap makes it tough, because you’re still a sibling, and probably were put in the parental role at times despite you still being a child yourself. Thats such an uncomfortable situation to be in. But have you had a chance to tell her how you felt about her behavior towards you?
I tried to just let it mellow and then she attended a party I had for my daughter and just was kind of awful, I don’t know how or even if I want to come back from that.
1 Heart
fair enough… honestly just because someone is family doesnt mean they’re allowed to be disrespectful. Like if an acquaintence behaved that way I wonder if the same boundaries can be applied. Was she like mean, rude, or just pouty?
She just kind of pouted, ignored everyone and then wore an outfit that definitely was eye catching as her assets spilled out at a teenager’s party.
weird. screams self importance… lol pretty inappropriate, your giving up makes sense.
I know I am all over the place with this and thank you for listening, but it just makes me so sad, I only have one sibling and I don’t speak to my narc dad, it just kind of sucks.
1 Heart
Yea, I feel that. It’s like this whole grieving/hope tug of war, like wanting family around who you can be close with and then realizing they arent people you can really rely on. I feel like it’s about reassessing how close you want to be to the person, and who tjeu actually are, vs who we wish they were.
I hope you’re patient with yourself, because I knlw that grieving experienxe all too well. Im still going through it too. But something that seems to be helping is grounding into real life and people who are actually here.coworkers friends neighbors… normal people.